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Daniel Brooker engaged


LilMissMetaphor

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This is my first time posting.  I actually made an account just so I could post on this topic.  I know this is not the popular opinion but I followed Lyndsie's blog and really enjoyed it.  They seemed like nice people, and I felt really bad for everything she was going through. When I found out she died, it really hit me hard. ( I know this is weird as I don't actually know these people.)  I then followed Daniel when he started a blog and FB page about finding  his new normal and the seven stages of grief.

When I found out he was engaged, it really pissed me off.  He has gone on and on about Lyndsie, didn't even finish his last stage of grief, and know he's engaged to this woman and moving his kids away from all of Lyndsie's family.  I think that kind of sucks.  I know she has had her share of heartache, but I don't think this is fair to the kids or Lyndsie's family.  Also, y'all picked on Lyndsie's makeup, but damn the new one can certainly layer it on.

Thank you for letting me vent here.  Trying to explain why I care about strangers  to people I know in real life is just strange.

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5 hours ago, Summer95 said:

  I then followed Daniel when he started a blog and FB page about finding  his new normal and the seven stages of grief.

When I found out he was engaged, it really pissed me off.  He has gone on and on about Lyndsie, didn't even finish his last stage of grief, .

I don't mean to be rude, but you sound a little over invested.  Daniel isn't obligated to go through what you consider to be an appropriate grieving process.  That's something very personal, and it's different for everyone.

I do think the kids should be his number one priority (and from all appearances, they are).  I really think he's probably a better judge at what's best for them, than a random stranger on the internet.  He doesn't strike me as a typical fundie father...it seems like he's probably doing the best he can.   

Edited by Coconut Flan
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3 hours ago, Koala said:

I don't mean to be rude, but you sound a little over invested.  Daniel isn't obligated to go through what you consider to be an appropriate grieving process.  That's something very personal, and it's different for everyone.

I do think the kids should be his number one priority (and from all appearances, they are).  I really think he's probably a better judge at what's best for them, than a random stranger on the internet.  He doesn't strike me as a typical fundie father...it seems like he's probably doing the best he can.   

Well said.

I've read both Daniel's blog and Brittany's and I think they both seemed to really face their grief head-on. Neither one seems to have rushed through the grieving process, or run away from it. And if they feel ready to re-marry, more power to them. After all the pain they've been through, I hope they have a very happy life together. 

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I loved Lyndsie's blog too and was so sad when she died. I felt like I knew her. 

But it has been over 18 months. Having had a tragedy myself around the same time I can assure you we all grieve differently & have different timeframes of grief and I think they have been respectful of their spouses memories and children. They attend counselling on blending families. They have found love again and I think that's wonderful. 

Nothing to snark on here IMO.  

@Summer95

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I think there is also the perspective that in all likelihood Daniel was grieving long before Lyndsie actually passed. She fought cancer for a long time and at some point there was a realization that it was terminal. However much they may have hoped and prayed for a miracle and held onto hope there is the knowledge that your spouse has terminal cancer. It's not as though her death was shocking, sudden and fully unexpected. 

I don't find the timeline to be all "wrong." I think people grieve differently and continuing on with your own life and that of your children's isdoesn't do disservice to the deceased. I think it's pretty clear he honors his wife's memory for himself and his children. He can do that, love her as he did in life and still move forward with theirs. The two are not mutually exclusive.

As for her family, I can easily understand why they would grieve to a degree but again, he has a right to continue on with his life. He has a right to do so with his children. It doesn't mean their relationship with the children is challenged. It may change but times changes all relationships. Now those children have even more love in their lives and that's a gift after grief.

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Lyndsie was sick from the time they had been together and I think he knew she would eventually die one day and sucucmb to her cancer. He married her knowing that and they started a family together taking that chance. When you love someone with a terminal illness you slowly start preparing yourself over time for life without them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Brittany wrote about the two of them on her blog. She doesn't really talk about how they got together though; it's mostly just about God.

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Does anyone else start crying whenever they read Brittany's blog, or it is just me? 

It's such a heartbreaking situation. I hope they all find peace and healing and have a happy life together. 

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23 hours ago, Rachel333 said:

Brittany wrote about the two of them on her blog. She doesn't really talk about how they got together though; it's mostly just about God.

Yeah that's annoying. I want details ;)

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20 hours ago, RoseWilder said:

Does anyone else start crying whenever they read Brittany's blog, or it is just me? 

It's such a heartbreaking situation. I hope they all find peace and healing and have a happy life together. 

 

I haven't cried when reading Brittany's blog. But, I do get quite sad. She was also pretty young when her husband died and it was sudden and unexpected. I think Daniel may have had better grasp because Lyndsie was terminally ill.

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Came across something a few days ago about Patton Oswalt (stand-up comic, if you don't know him) getting a fair amount of blowback after announcing his engagement a little more than a year after the sudden and devastating death of his wife, who died in her sleep in April 2016.  

Here's an interesting article from the Washington Post, Patton Oswalt calls out ‘grub worms’ saying he’s engaged too soon after wife’s death, about many of the issues being addressed in this thread and references Erica Roman, a young woman whose cherished husband died unexpectedly three days before Patton's wife died.  She wrote an article addressed to Patton's critics titled A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement

Here's the meat of her message: 

Quote

So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.

You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.

Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”   [text bolded by Erica Roman in original article]

Lots of appropriately raw emotions.  Erica Roman also follows two blogs:  I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up”  and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”.

From Kerry Phillips' blog: 

Quote

When a mother who has lost a child has another baby, no one dares question if she’s capable of loving another child. No one wonders if her heart is big enough to love her “angel” baby while simultaneously loving the smiling toddler at her side. When she shares photos on social media of their special time together, there aren’t comments saying she must be “over” the death of her first child.

That’s the way it should be. And, widows everywhere deserve that same level of respect when it comes to our spouses and our decisions to date post-loss.

If you can love more than one child, two parents, five aunts, nine nieces, etc., why is it so hard to fathom that we can love or be in love with two men?

Here's what I think.  The grieving process will continue for both Lyndsie and Daniel.  Each has suffered the devastating loss of a cherished partner.  Each is in a unique position to support, understand and comfort the other.  Wishing them the best as they move forward. 

 

Edited by Howl
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Honestly, Roman's article actually exemplifies my hesitations about quick remarriages. It's not about Victorian morality, it's about a codependency that is so ingrained in our culture, we assume someone not in a relationship is in "solitary confinement." She has completely bought into the single = sad, coupled = happy binary, and that there is nothing to be learned or achieved outside of a romantic relationship.

Frankly, I think most people in our society date way too soon after break ups. There are way too many people who have never spent any amount of time as an adult just single and with themselves and with the space and the quiet to really figure out who they are and what they want. They keep a constant stream of relationships to serve as a background noise to drown out the uncomfortable business of dealing with ourselves. And I find that it shows.

I follow Patton Oswalt on Twitter and his fiancee seems really lovely and I wish them well and think they've been really clever and entertaining in trolling their critics. Obviously, I don't know them personally and would never send nasty messages to anyone over their happiness. But when I saw the announcement, I did wonder about his codependency, his emotional state, and the message his daughter is taking from all of this.

 

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Ohh they will live stream the wedding! Who is going to watch with me? And what do I tell the husband?? Must pretend they are friends of friends ;)

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@nausicaa, it's been noted that people widowed after happy marriages are far likelier to remarry, and that men are more likely than women to enter a new relationship/remarry after divorce or widowhood than women are. 

Here's a piece by the widower of the writer and actor Adrienne Shelley ("Waitress"), who was murdered:

http://nyp.st/2u9Wv12

 

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17 hours ago, Hane said:

@nausicaa, it's been noted that people widowed after happy marriages are far likelier to remarry, and that men are more likely than women to enter a new relationship/remarry after divorce or widowhood than women are. 

Here's a piece by the widower of the writer and actor Adrienne Shelley ("Waitress"), who was murdered:

http://nyp.st/2u9Wv12

 

I read that article too. (Oswalt posted it on his Twitter account). I would argue though, that we don't really know the underlying reasons for that trend. The cynical part of me wonders if it's the same reason why people in relationships always have a new SO right away after a breakup--it could also be a sign of codependency and a deep discomfort with being on one's own for any amount of time.

Just want to make clear that my issues are about a general trend, and not Oswalt in particular. He and his fiancee seem really great for each other and I am honestly happy for him after the sudden death of his wife last year.

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Ok, I'll weigh in here.

I partially agree with @nausicaa.  There are some people who believe they need to be in a relationship and seem to grab onto the next one very fast after a break-up or the death of an SO.  Whether this due to neediness, co-dependency, societal pressure, or whatever.  I don't know.  

On the other hand, as @Koala and @Mudgie have said, everyone grieves differently and goes through the grieving process differently.  Especially when the loved one is terminally ill the grieving process can start long before the actual death. 

A friend of mine died from melanoma leaving two children under the age of 6.  She fought so hard to live but she knew she was dying.  She spoke to close friends before she died asking them, not exactly to match-make for her husband, but to encourage him to look for a new relationship and a new mother for her children.  She said she did not want him to mourn forever.  She said he was a wonderful man and husband.  She said he was a person who needed love and companionship.  She said that she trusted his judgment but asked her friends to help him.  We did.  Two widowed people found new love and two children grew up with a wonderful new mom.

Another friend of mine just started dating after losing her husband of almost 40 years suddenly a year ago.  Her friends have encouraged her.  We have met her new friend - and I would be lying if I claimed we didn't vet the stink out of the poor guy - but he seems very nice and she seems very happy.  Good for them and I'll call anyone out who says it is too fast!

Back to @nausicaa's point though - codependency.  

I used to work with a woman who had divorced 5 husbands.  They were all terrible people apparently, including the fathers of her two children.  She went through another six or seven relationships (although she didn't marry them) in the 4 years we worked together.  She found all of them wanting in some way and dumped them, but she was always looking for the next beau.   She seemed unable to function unless she was attached to a man, but the break-ups were never, ever,  her fault.  

I ended up feeling sorry for the men she glommed onto, loved to pieces for a few months, and then dumped so quickly.  She may have been a romantic with very poor taste in men - or she was a very needy user.  I never quite made up my mind! 

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After about 8 years together, a friend's girlfriend moved out unexpectedly while he was away.  He was a faithful partner, but I suspect there were women lined up who were interested in him, and he was immediately (and I mean IMMEDIATELY) with someone else.  Both my friend and his ex are very nice people and I enjoy them both, but I think they had to work hard to make it work, and she didn't see a reason to keep working.  The new girl? Their chemistry looks to be off the charts and they seem well matched in every way (interests and energy match up).  Perhaps there was a pre-existing attraction that was never acted on.  Who knows, but I don't hold it against him that he moved on at warp speed.   I see exactly zero signs of co-dependency, but then these are older people with life experience. 

 

Edited by Howl
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Thoughts on the wedding which I watched live (I have no life ha!)

* Brittany is very lucky to have Daniel, a man who adored his first wife through thick and thin. Who has shown he can love children who aren't biologically his (his 2 are adopted) & I don't think will treat her 3 boys any differently to his 2

* She seems a strong personality while he seems more laid back. Hopefully a good match as Lyndsie was a gentle quiet personality from all accounts 

* a gorgeous wedding. Wish them all the best for their blended family 

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3 hours ago, Milly-Molly-Mandy said:

Thoughts on the wedding which I watched live (I have no life ha!)

* Brittany is very lucky to have Daniel, a man who adored his first wife through thick and thin. Who has shown he can love children who aren't biologically his (his 2 are adopted) & I don't think will treat her 3 boys any differently to his 2

* She seems a strong personality while he seems more laid back. Hopefully a good match as Lyndsie was a gentle quiet personality from all accounts 

* a gorgeous wedding. Wish them all the best for their blended family 

So where was the live stream?  Is the video still up?

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30 minutes ago, WonderingInWA said:

Thanks!  Watched it.  Her dress surprised me.  I wouldn't think a second marriage gown would look so much like a first one.

Why should she not have a nice dress for a second marriage? The whole you don't get to wear white or  wedding dress for your second wedding is rooted in patriarchal bullshit. I'm glad she got to wear what she (I hope) liked. More power to the both of them. I hope they and their new family are happy.

I'm 100% more bothered that they apparently did the transfer of authority shit than by a dress. 

 

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I'm not a widow, but I AM a abuse/divorce survivor who broke free of a horrible long-term marriage, so I'll just say this:

1) Every person's healing journey is different.  Every person's grief timeline is different. If you haven't gone through it, don't critique the speed at which someone else does heal, grieve, or "move on." Even if you HAVE gone through it, it doesn't mean that someone else's healing journey will follow the same timeline as you did.

And 2) don't discount the help that the new partner may be to their healing process. You can watch from afar and say, "it's too soon for them to be with someone else, because they haven't even healed from the first one yet." But honestly, the unconditional love of someone who knows exactly what you're going through can be one of the best healing aids ever. Not saying it's the only way to heal, or that it is a replacement for counseling or therapy, but true, unconditional love tends to boost, not hinder, someone through the grieving/healing process.

*steps off soapbox* :)

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I'm watching it now. It was sweet seeing all those kids walk down the aisle, but the pastor kind of ruined it after by asking who gives Brittany away and then making a big deal about how her God-given authority figure (her father) has decided that Daniel is the man for her. She's a grown woman with three kids who has been married before, it's not her father's decision who she marries!

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