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Jinger and Jeremy - Social Media Silence


choralcrusader8613

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49 minutes ago, Imaginary_Wonderland said:

 

If you don't, and  instead end up facing the consequences, whether a pregnancy or STI, there will be nothing to LOL about. Seriously, there is no lol in any of this. I am not trying to be harsh, but it is reality and needs to be faced in a grown up and serious manner.

Thank you. I've been trying to compose an anti-LOL post but everything I wrote was coming out extraordinarily bitchy. There is nothing LOL about irresponsible sexual activity.

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4 hours ago, VeganCupcake said:

I'm very informed but I did not realize the pullout was quite so unreliable. The reason I said "he's being reckless" is bc he would be much more upset at the thought of a baby than I would. He has tons of money & I don't so it would be a bigger burden on him lol. 

You probably feel like you are being piled on here, but there is one thing that I would like to address that I don't think the others have touched on: you need to think long and hard about what coparenting with this guy will be like. If you continue down this path, you have a 10-30% chance of becoming pregnant in the next year, and if you're not okay with having an abortion, you will be dealing with him for the rest of your life, regardless of whether this relationship lasts. 

"But Jesuscampsongs! Even if we break up, I thought I'll only have to deal with him until the kid is 18! What do you mean, the rest of my life?"

I mean that, while coparenting may legally end at eighteen, practical coparenting is for life. Odds are good you're going to be juggling some form of shared custody until the kid is out of high school, at minimum, and once the kid moves out for adulthood, college, employment, whatever, you will still find yourself splitting holidays with the other parent. You will also likely have to deal with him during major life events, such as school graduations, engagements/weddings, and grandchildren. 

I don't know how old you are, so I apologize if this comes off as condescending, but trust: there are few things worse than a bad babymama or babydaddy. I'm in my early thirties, so I have several friends who either got married super young and had kids immediately, got pregnant accidentally in a new (under two years old) relationship and rushed into marriage or chose to have a kid but not get married. While those marriages/new relationships worked out for a couple of them (like 2 or 3), the others have had a much tougher road ahead of them after the marriages/relationships ended. Some of them got lucky and have a decent coparenting relationship with their exes, but most of them do not, and it's a constant struggle. 

An incomplete list of ridiculous bullshit my friends have been put through by their babydaddies and babymamas:

  • abandoning the kid(s), sometimes repeatedly by going long periods of time without seeing them
  • refusing to pay child support or other court-ordered expenses (and every time they are out of compliance with the court, my friends have to cough up for attorney fees to take them back into court)
  • not following visitation schedules, either by constantly bailing or refusing to give the kid(s) back 
  • abusing and/or neglecting the kids during visitation
  • exposing child(ren) to all manner of inappropriate things during visitation
  • engaging in parental alienation
  • constantly dragging them into court for frivolous reasons
  • demanding additional visitation time to avoid/reduce child support payments, then refusing to see the kids
  • becoming romantically involved with people who hate the kid(s) and are mean to them
  • using custody/visitation decrees to hold my friends hostage re: who they date, where they live, etc.
  • intentionally losing jobs or taking lower paying jobs to get child support reduced.

There's probably a lot I'm forgetting. Either way, when you have an adversarial relationship with your kid's other parent, it is very easy for them to make your (and the kid's!) lives incredibly difficult. It can really curtail your freedom, too, especially if you want to move away for school or work and the other parent isn't willing to okay it. It  also puts a hell of a damper on your love life. Few things are less attractive in the singles pool than a parent who has a bunch of babymama or babydaddy drama. No one wants to put up with that. 

Oh, and ETA: child support is rarely as much as you think it will be, especially if the other parent is uncooperative. It also counts as a form of income in many states, so even if you do get a lot, it would reduce what you would get in food stamps, daycare vouchers, housing assistance, etc.

I'm not saying this to be unkind, but I was raised by a single mother, and it's not a life I would ever choose for myself or my hypothetical offspring. 

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@MayMay1123, I thought your joke was appropriate- I love hearing personal stories! Especially if it'll provide information for others. 

@VeganCupcake- it is your body, your responsibility, and your choice. I'm not saying your boyfriend should have NO input in your reproductive decision making, but you've got to step up and be the grown-up here. Condoms feel a lot better than being an unprepared parent. And everyone here has made lots of informative comments :) Basically what I'm saying is, you are the one with the power, you are the one who has the final call, and if your boyfriend insists on using unreliable birth control because it feels better for him... he's basically saying that good sex for him is more important than your bodily autonomy and ability to make choices about your reproductive health. Fuck that noise. Your body. Your uterus. Your potential pregnancy. Your call.

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4 hours ago, VeganCupcake said:

 

I'm very informed but I did not realize the pullout was quite so unreliable. The reason I said "he's being reckless" is bc he would be much more upset at the thought of a baby than I would. He has tons of money & I don't so it would be a bigger burden on him lol. 

 

If you think the only burden in raising a child is financial...uh, you are not at all ready to be a parent. Not even close. And if he is immature and irresponsible enough to refuse to use reliable birth control, I'm guessing he's not going to be taking the kid to daycare or school for you, taking the day off work to take care of a sick kid when you can't, helping clean the house and cook the food, doing the back to school shopping (actually doing it, not just footing the bill), etc...And that barely scratches the surface. 

Please listen to everyone here and find a plan for reliable contraception. And until you do, don't have sex. 

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4 hours ago, VeganCupcake said:

But on the pill you're basically NEVER horny, right? 

At my last visit she prescribed me to birth control but I didn't pick it up lol. But I was tested for every STD including blood work for both types of herpes. It does make me mad that I was thoroughly tested & most guys never are for herpes, but that's pretty widespread. Even most gynos don't test their patients for herpes routinely but mine does. 

I'm very informed but I did not realize the pullout was quite so unreliable. The reason I said "he's being reckless" is bc he would be much more upset at the thought of a baby than I would. He has tons of money & I don't so it would be a bigger burden on him lol. 

Wow interesting I will show him these posts of people saying they got pregnant doing the pullout! He might want to reconsider LOL. 

i have my head in my hands right now. I am just going to be blunt: I am astounded by your stupidity. Astounded! (Your birth control is just as good as the duggars!) I'm half convinced you're a troll, but just in case you're for real:

You are *not* very well informed. The fact that you think you are is simply incredible. Well informed people realize the pull out method is unreliable. You act like an oops baby is no big deal because he has tons of money. Think long and hard about that statement. Will his money provide emotional or physical support? It may provide financial support, if he doesn't fight you on that. If he does, you're in it for the long haul. You will need to figure out lawyers, DNA tests, etc, and that's just to prove the kid is his. You seem  too immature to even handle that. Why the actual fuck are you "LOL"ing? I wouldn't trust you to water a cactus, let alone provide food, shelter, healthcare, schooling, and clothes to a child.

 

if you can afford (and want) a child 100% on you own, go ahead with your version of 'birth control'. Do not expect this loser to take care of you. His penis's happiness is being prioritized over your health, and future. 

 

heres something to LOL at: "the pill makes you unable to get horny"

 

 

 

 

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@VeganCupcake

Just want to add my two cents. I'm into girls, so the pill wouldn't be necessary for me. I use it to make my periods more tolerable. Being "horny" has never been a problem. I notice that it changes during the years/month/week a lot. I have no idea why, general mood might be more the reason. I go through phases. Weeks without wanting to have sex followed by days with sometimes several times per day. (But I'm a person with phases in all aspects of life, food, games, anything.)

I have a pill that tries to come close to the normal cycle. Meaning three different kind of pills with different dosage of hormones based on the natural cycle. Three weeks pills, one week break with "period". No weight gain, nothing else. Sometimes, though not always I get a headache on day two of the break.  

And while we are at it: Even with a female partner you can use some sort of protection. Easiest option is to cut open a condom and put it on  the lady parts.  There is special lesbian stuff, put the condom option is cheaper. You can also buy little condom like things for your finger. 

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@VeganCupcake I've been on hormonal birth control of various forms for the last twenty plus years.

One pill seemed to make me less horny, I told my doctor, she prescribed another type and all the horniness came back. I've tried pills, patches (I didn't like how visible they were), and the ring (didn't fit because of some weird anatomical issues with the position of my pubic bone). Currently using a mirena IUD, and I love it. The first couple of months were a bit weird, but now I hardly get a period, no wild PMS, and the horniness levels are exhausting two young FWB, and require my buying batteries at Costco.

Despite all this, I managed to get pregnant once while on the pill. Babies were never part of my plans, but I loved this man so much, I couldn't imagine having an abortion, so I told my BF (who had plenty of money, and who I totally loved and trusted) - I fully expected him to step up and support his child. I kinda imagined that the baby would just fast track our relationship and we'd be getting married sooner than expected. The reality was something else entirely. He walked away. I couldn't reach him on the phone. He wasn't available when I tried to drop by his work, and he wouldn't answer my emails. I deluded myself into thinking it was just a shock and he needed time to process, when I heard through the grapevine that he had accepted a job transfer to an office in another country, and had flown out (translation: no dad for my baby, and no help financially or emotionally). I was devastated, ran the numbers, and I knew I couldn't afford a baby on my own. I spent days doing nothing but crying; the stress was out of this world. About five days after I heard he had left, I had a horrible miscarriage. It was the worst, most painful experience in my life. And I was too stupid to call anyone for help, so I was laying on the bathroom floor, in agony, bleeding out into a pile of towels, more than half hoping I would just die too. I didn't, and while I now think that's a positive, the experience left me massively depressed. Being pregnant, even for a little while, is no joke. I still see my child in my dreams, and wake up crying, which is ridiculous, because I couldn't have handled being a solo parent, and it wasn't the that far along, and I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. As much as I hate to say this, it just isn't safe to assume that someone is going to do the 'right thing' and be a responsible and civilised co-parent. There needs to be a whole lot of conversation about that first. Now I'm religious about condom plus my own birth control. Please learn from my mistake.

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I'm sorry that happens to you kittykatz. I hope she listens to you, because it sounds very plausible to me that her soon to be baby daddy will run out on her too.

 

money *may* provide some structure in their lives, but it's no guarantee of a good father.

I happen to know someone from high school (wealthy family) who got his gf pregnant. Immediately split from her life. Years later she posted an update on Facebook. Her ex had finally given her some child support. They came on a debit type card in our county. He took the time to go upload...exactly one cent to the card, and sent it to her. One cent after the kid was like five years old.

 

if you're asking, did the wealthy grandparents ever step in to help? No. 

 

 

 

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On another note, I like that we're having this conversation and people are talking about the pill alternatives. After giving birth to my daughter, my doctor tried to talk me into something other than the pill, but I'm a traditionalist/don't like change, so I just went back on the pill.  Now I'm currently trying to get pregnant but if/when i have another baby, I've decided I may want to look at alternatives.  FJ is always so educational about random stuff. 

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@FleeJanaFree sometimes I think having money/connections just gives people who are going to be irresponsible parents the resources to jet and/or hire lawyers to torment their child's other parent.

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3 hours ago, Denim Jumper said:

"I love having sex with a condom," said no one. Ever. 

I do. Granted I am woman but I like it better (the feeling is different and I like that one better than without) and I do know a couple more women like me. I have never met a man that liked it better with a condom but I have met men who can see benefits with condoms beyond the fact that they are a form of protection like lasting longer. Some men might not like it better but also don't mind using one, my husband and my ex both really were not bothered at all. I am my husband's second girlfriend in a row that doesn'ẗ use hormonal birth control. When he met me he had already kind accepted that a condom was part of sex so it was no big deal.

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@sparklymagie I have a lot of friends that use mirena or other IUDs and love it.  They need to be replaced every 5 yrs but they are no worry birth control. Of course they don't prevent STIs but they do prevent pregnancy more than 99%. 

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Dude has a lot of money and can take care of a kid???? My ex DIL pays $50/mo for two kids.,.,...not $50 per kid, $50 total. And anytime she has the kids more than 5 days a month, she pays nothing. All by court order.

Full disclosure, dad agreed to the amount, and other conditions, to be allowed to move out of state with the kids. I am not complaining, just informing.

My point is, you never know what a good attorney can convince the court of.

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1 hour ago, JMO said:

@sparklymagie I have a lot of friends that use mirena or other IUDs and love it.  They need to be replaced every 5 yrs but they are no worry birth control. Of course they don't prevent STIs but they do prevent pregnancy more than 99%. 

Actually, a Mirena is now known to be good for up to 6 years, and the Paraguard up to 12.  Some other hormonal IUDs last between 3 and 5 years. Planned Parenthood has great info: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/iud

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On 2/18/2017 at 5:46 PM, VeganCupcake said:

Omg I'm scared LOL I use the pullout method only. My bf seems extremely confident with it though and I know he for sure does not want a kid. WE are kids. 

Please look up pre-cum. My friend recently had a pre-cum baby, i.e. she and hubby used pull-out method and never "failed." It worked for about two years, until it didn't. Luckily the kid is very much wanted and very cute though. 

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8 hours ago, Marly said:

You shouldn't be having unprotected sex if you're not prepared to have a baby.
I think there's a difference between 'being ready for sex' and 'being ready to become a parent'. Sex has become separated from procreation; people can now have sex without having/wanting/needing to procreate. And whether people like it or not, or whether they can believe it or not (i'll readily admit I was very ignorant about teens and sex because I was not sexually active as a teen myself, nor were my friends), teens have sex. Because it feels good, because it's exiting, but generally not because they want to procreate. 
I personally can't stand the argument "if you're not ready for a baby, you're not ready for sex", because the oldfashioned patriarchal notion that sex equals a baby/procreation no longer holds in contemporary western society due to the availability of contraceptives/birth control. Hence, you shouldn't tell teens that they shouldn't have sex, you need to tell them that they shouldn't have unprotected sex.

I totally agree with this -- I don't think that sex should be necessarily linked to birth and that's why I think birth control and abortion access are so important.   My mother wasn't telling teenage me not to have sex, she was telling me that I should use birth control but that no birth control is 100% effective, and that if I was going to have vaginal sex (and there are totally other kinds of sex to have) I needed to prepare myself for the consequences of a birth control failure.  I was using the diaphragm then, but in the event that it failed, I was prepared to have an abortion.  

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14 hours ago, eveandadam said:

Also Jinger saying she is not a "details person" and it can be overwhelming, what?! Isn't she a photographer and the artsy one in the family? Isn't this ALL about details, and many many different small things you need to considered?

{snip}

maybe it's not only the details that overwhelm Jinger... I got the feeling, watching her reaction to everyone coming at her with choices to make during wedding prep, that she has a problem making decisions, especially when put on the spot...perhaps that's just how she is, or because she didn't have many opportunities to choose much of anything as a kid (thus leaving her virgin in all sorts of ways, and even more valuable as a fundie woman in their marriage market :( whole thing makes my stomach hurt...)

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On 2/18/2017 at 5:46 PM, VeganCupcake said:

Omg I'm scared LOL I use the pullout method only. My bf seems extremely confident with it though and I know he for sure does not want a kid. WE are kids. 

Ok the quote feature is acting a fool so not sure this will work.  @VeganCupcake you've been given some great advice and resources here, definitely take advantage of that.  I'll never forget what my OB told me at my 6 week check up after having my son (nearly 12 years ago)  I didn't want to take hormonal bc snd  admitted we were planning to use pull out and pray.  He said "well I guess you're trying for another baby because if you're not preventing, you're trying."  I had an IUD inserted two weeks later and kept it in until we decided we were ready for another baby three years later.

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@VeganCupcake- if you are still in thread, if you've had enough advice, please speak up. I'm starting to feel like FJ is piling on, which is not the intent of this site.

 

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7 hours ago, Denim Jumper said:

"I love having sex with a condom," said no one. Ever. 

I did.  Guess why?  I didn't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy.  It is amazing how much better sex is when your mind isn't thinking about such things.

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16 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

@VeganCupcake- if you are still in thread, if you've had enough advice, please speak up. I'm starting to feel like FJ is piling on, which is not the intent of this site.

 

I think people are just so shocked/appalled/concerned for her. When someone says very clearly and definitively that she a) is absolutely not ready for kids and b ) is using a method of contraception that is, frankly, not a method of contraception, plus c) implies being unable or unwilling to speak up for her own well-being to her partner....

FJ is not piling on so much as expressing the shock and concern.  

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3 hours ago, JMO said:

@sparklymagie I have a lot of friends that use mirena or other IUDs and love it.  They need to be replaced every 5 yrs but they are no worry birth control. Of course they don't prevent STIs but they do prevent pregnancy more than 99%. 

IUD's are effective, yes, I used them almost exclusively because I couldn't deal with the high dose birth control pills back then, and I have a latex allergy (just as well, I hated condoms and I kept shooting the diaphragm across the room).  The first I had was the Dalcon shield, which was a sort of Christmas tree shaped piece of rigid plastic...it actually killed some women, babies were born with it stuck in the fontanel (that's what I read), and my first pregnancy happened (and ended) while I had it, took surgery to get it out.

so they took that one off the market, and a few years later, they had a new rat trap (my OB/GYN's words)...this was shortly after my DD was born, and I was wrestling with a diaphragm again, so I agreed to a Copper 7 (which much more flexible, easier to insert...I still have the damn thing somewhere O.o)...a couple years later, there were BIG problems, I had something called pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which almost killed me before they figured out what was going on, took massive IV antiotics and weeks in the hospital...in the aftermath, I lost another baby, and had to have a total hysterectomy in my late 20's (which pisses me off majorl...they didn't have to take my ovaries, this affecting me in a big way in my '60's)

sorry for such a cautionary tale, most women have no problem with an IUD...but, if you get one, or have one already, just stay VERY tuned in to your body, and run straight to your doctor if you experience any pelvic pain AT ALL, either during sex or not (this is different from regular menstrual pain, it's a deep ache, starts out small...please don't ignore this like I did :()

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@goldengrove I'm sorry that you had such bad experiences with IUDs. In the early days of the technology, they were pretty awful, there was even a huge class action suit against the Dalcon Shield which just about killed the industry, which is part of why a lot of people have never heard of them/considered them and some doctors never learned how to insert them. That said, the new IUDs have little in common with the first generation, and have much less risk associated with them, but like any form of birth control, there are possible side effects, which is why it's so important for women to research their options and discuss birth control with their doctor.

 

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20 hours ago, MarblesMom said:

Whoa.  This is a conversation had in the early 80s, not 30 + years later, right?

There's always a new generation. ;-)

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1 hour ago, TheWayTheWorldWorks said:

I did.  Guess why?  I didn't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy.  It is amazing how much better sex is when your mind isn't thinking about such things.

Sorry if this is TMI, but other than protection from diseases and pregnancy, I love that condoms cut down on the messy stuff (such as the dreaded "wet spot" on the bed. Ewww! 

@VeganCupcake I will add my two cents to the conversation and say that I am very concerned about you and your relationship with this guy. I don't know him or you or your relationship, but the fact that he won't wear a condom and with his "tons of money" hasn't insisted you get an IUD, Norplant, etc., makes me very scared for you. I'm not saying he's being abusive, but it seems like he truly doesn't give a shit about you and your future. If he did, he'd be doing his damnedest to protect you from an unplanned pregnancy AND diseases. Not to mention himself. As my ex boyfriend (who insisted on always using condoms, even though we were together for seven years and I was on the Pill) liked to say, "I'm not in the baby making business". He and I broke up and when I started dating again it amazed me how so many well educated guys refused to wear condoms. My physician had taken me off the Pill due to blood pressure issues and since I couldn't afford an IUD (I have insurance but hadn't yet realized I qualified for free contraceptive services and devices through the state due to income) I knew that I was going to need the guy to actively participate in the zero population practice. I never caved to the "I refuse to wear a condom" crap, but since then one of my litmus test questions for a guy I start dating is "If your partner insisted, would you use a condom?" If he refuses, he's done in my book. Because if he won't be an active participant in keeping us both healthy and free of fetuses, then he's a selfish asshole who thinks only of himself and his dick. And if that's how he's going to be in the bedroom, then imagine how selfish he'll be in other situations? 

I had an IUD placed last fall and it's great. Thanks to my state's low income family planning waiver, it was totally free via Planned Parenthood, and PP is a fabulous resource. I thought I had done my research on IUDs, but the nurse practitioner spent probably close to 20 minutes patiently explaining the pros and cons of each type of IUD as well as Norplant. They took my high blood pressure into account, and on top of all that really made me feel empowered about my choice and in control of my future. 

I will step off my soapbox after this statement. Always remember that there is one constant that will ALWAYS be in your future, and that's YOU. Ultimately it's YOU who will have to live with the unplanned pregnancy, the STI, or whatever. So watch out for #1. Take care! 

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