Family Living on Purpose (FLOP?): Erika Shupe pt. 10

[usmcmom]

8 minutes ago, FunFunFundie said:

Her kids aren't allowed to eat in the car, except for in dire situations. *beam*

Why am I not surprised?!?  I wonder what qualifies as "dire."  

[littlemommy]

My kids ride the bus 4 days a week, and on that fifth day I'm that mom that gets there 20 minutes early and waits. I have two reasons for doing that: since they usually ride the bus, three times the teachers have stuck my kids automatically on the bus and not noticed their bus riding notes. Then I have to wait for them to go get the kids off the bus and bring them to the car line. This takes forever and the other, and main reason, I want to be at the head of the car pickup line is that we have to haul ass from school to my son's music lesson across town. 

If there were no music lesson, they'd ride the bus all the time. When I did have to pick them up I'd wait till 5 minutes AFTER school let out, and cruise in at the tail end of the line.

[Georgiana]

This is probably old news, but why does she want to stress that her Family Living is On Purpose?  What's that opposed to?  Family Living On Accident?  Accidental Family Living?  

I mean, I get the Large Families On Purpose, because kids are sometimes a bit of an accident...but it's not like someone slipped an fell into public school.    

[apandaaries]

This is probably old news, but why does she want to stress that her Family Living is On Purpose?  What's that opposed to?  Family Living On Accident?  Accidental Family Living?  
I mean, I get the Large Families On Purpose, because kids are sometimes a bit of an accident...but it's not like someone slipped an fell into public school.    

Those oppositional guesses were exactly what she outlined in her old site: that they were living ON PURPOSE, not just flailing around or being ungodly or lacking direction. It kills me, as I think the word "intentional" could have been used in many variations to convey the meaning better. I also think it's a part of fundie-speak that she's internalized, the same way the Fuggars (typo, but it stays) say they "purpose" to do something. To me, the term signals a lack of education and immersion in a cult mindset, but the fundies seem to love it.

[FunFunFundie]

3 minutes ago, amandaaries said:

Those oppositional guesses were exactly what she outlined in her old site: that they were living ON PURPOSE, not just flailing around or being ungodly or lacking direction. It kills me, as I think the word "intentional" could have been used in many variations to convey the meaning better. I also think it's a part of fundie-speak that she's internalized, the same way the Fuggars (typo, but it stays) say they "purpose" to do something. To me, the term signals a lack of education and immersion in a cult mindset, but the fundies seem to love it.

I actually kind of like the on purpose name.  The two meanings are clever - "because you want to," and "keeping on task." The idea is that if you are doing things with a plan (keeping on task), they go more smoothly.  Although that's kind of funny because the whole quiverfull thing is that it's God's plan, so "large families on purpose" can't really be true in one sense - it can't be done because you want it to if God doesn't want it.  But in the other sense - on task - that's Erika's thing.  So you don't just go pick up your kids from school like every other human being, because that's not following a plan so there is a potential for CHAOS.  

[Loveday]

I spent a solid 11 years dropping off and picking up my children from school (pre-k through 8th grade, private schools so no transportation other than clearly inadequate me). I so wish I'd had Erika to tell me how to do it from her five months' vast experience--I could have done it so much more purposefully! And healthfully!  And educationally! (oh, the shame of all those trashy FICTION novels I read while waiting in the line-up!  )

[Koala]

Well thank God Erika weighed in.  Now people can start picking their kids up from school the correct way!   Can you imagine how glad all of the other moms must be to have her around to lead by example?!?

[Mr. Pink]

1 hour ago, JillyO said:

Interesting. Are you friends with her, or did she post this in the FLOP group? Cause I'm not seeing it on her personal FB page and I'm curious.

It's in the FLoP group (which I just remembered is private! Am I breaking TOS by divulging that info?)

[Howl]

58 minutes ago, FunFunFundie said:

So you don't just go pick up your kids from school like every other human being, because that's not following a plan so there is a potential for CHAOS.  

It occurred to me that Erika lives in constant terror of losing control.  She may have no conscious awareness of this, but when you are THAT organized, there has to be an abiding concern that if the schedule doesn't predetermine every activity for every moment of the day, well who knows what could happen.  So if she's not there waiting for 30 minutes, forces beyond her control might come into play and....and....well, you just don't take chances.  One of the kids might eat a cupcake, another kid might make a friend who a soul-sucking heathen.  Seriously, ya gotta be on top of it every second. 

[elliha]

Guys relax, don't you know that when Erika waits she is waiting ON PURPOSE and not mindlessly waiting like the rest of you heathens. That is why it is different. 

[BlessingsVonFundiePants]

2 hours ago, usmcmom said:

Why am I not surprised?!?  I wonder what qualifies as "dire."  

Whitewalkers

[Hisey]

2 hours ago, FunFunFundie said:

Her kids aren't allowed to eat in the car, except for in dire situations. *beam*

But it's OK for her to eat in the car? I'm sure the kids love that hypocrisy. 

I wonder if Erika is afraid of her kids making too many friends at school. Look at the way she picks them up the instant they are dismissed. There's no time for them to linger and talk to their classmates.  If I understand correctly, they have to then wait 20 minutes for the middle school to dismiss, so they won't be rushing home anyway. Little kids like Lacey and Lilly are usually ready to burst after a whole day of being "good" at school, and really benefit from being able to run around on the playground.

Also it puzzles me that she's not volunteering in the classroom. With kids in K, 1, 2, and 3, there are so many opportunities! Doesn't she want to see how they function in the classroom? It really helped me understand my kids' day when I spent an hour in the classroom. I learned the classroom language a bit, and could understand my kids' (otherwise baffling) stories about school events.

Maybe she doesn't want to be in a situation where she is not the one in control. I can see her grimacing as the teacher passes out snack and gives Tyler five small cookies instead of the one he is used to. Or worse, offering him a choice between two different snacks! I used to do that when I passed out snack as a volunteer. I'm afraid I did not realize the damage I was doing.

The way she talks about having her kids "back in my arms again" at dismissal, and helping them to "transition" back to her dictatorship (heh). Transition? Really? Is that an issue for some kids, where they need help with the transition from school to home? 

In any event, I wonder if she is having more trouble with this change than the kids are. 

[mango_fandango]

Oh absolutely she's having trouble. She's spent the majority of motherhood schooling her kids at home. Her oldest two have graduated. Suddenly, due to circumstances beyond her control, she's had to put them in public school. She doesn't have them under her feet 24/7 anymore. 

[Anonymousguest]

4 hours ago, JillyO said:

Interesting. Are you friends with her, or did she post this in the FLOP group? Cause I'm not seeing it on her personal FB page and I'm curious.

She posted in the FLOP page. I didn't think the wording was vague, it seemed clear to me she was saying they have a child with aspergers.

[Hisey]

Actually, it seems I misread what she wrote about dismissal times. On most days, Brandon's school gets out 1.5 hours before the elementary. That seems odd. It also must  means that his school must start much earlier than the elementary school. I wonder what she does with the six younger ones while taking Brandon to school? Maybe Melanie is still at home?

Interesting that she does the same 30-minute-wait-and-read for Brandon. That's a whole hour in the car waiting and reading! 

[Chevreuil]

Erika would do better to make her blog diary style than advice, she doesnt really have the experience to give advice like she did with homeschooling. I'm happy the kids are in school anyway, it must be so exciting for those kids to have friends that arent related to them.

[Clementine]

I read her latest blog post and the way to pick up the kids from school, on purpose, is to: be there early, bring a snack and keep a book in the car to read while waiting for the kids.

Gee, nobody would ever have figured it out themselves, without reading Erika's 1300 word post first. 

If she's hoping to make money from sharing this kind of "advice", I think she's going to be sorely disappointed.
 

[FunFunFundie]

I wonder how long it took to diagnose her child with Aspergers and get them help. How many years of no doctor intervention, fervent belief that God and schedules and spanking are the answers to any childhood "disobedience," locking kids in their room or high chair or small square of blanket to train them into being good citizens. 

I commend her for making big and difficult changes but autism is one of those things where early intervention matters, and this system of beliefs is damaging to so many people but the damage here is concrete and tangible.

[Koala]

14 minutes ago, FunFunFundie said:

I wonder how long it took to diagnose her child with Aspergers and get them help. How many years of no doctor intervention, fervent belief that God and schedules and spanking are the answers to any childhood "disobedience," locking kids in their room or high chair or small square of blanket to train them into being good citizens. 

I commend her for making big and difficult changes but autism is one of those things where early intervention matters, and this system of beliefs is damaging to so many people but the damage here is concrete and tangible.

I was actually wondering the same thing.  The years pre-diagnosis had to have been an absolute nightmare for that child.  Can you imagine Erika's reaction to a child who wouldn't/couldn't conform?

 

 

[crawfishgirl]

I live in a large school district, and most of the elementary schools start over an hour later than the middle and high schools.  It's due to bus scheduling - the buses handle the older kids first, and then they run their second morning route by picking up the elementary kids.  Same with the afternoon schedule.  When I still had a child in the lower grades, the later dismissal could be inconvenient, but it was better than them spending money to double the number of buses instead of spending the money on academics.  

[Flossie]

I don't see Erika self-diagnosing a child with Aspergers and then following up to have the diagnosis confirmed.  Even if she did, I don't see her putting all of the kids in public school as a result.  I imagine her trying to homeschool the child, but with the new information, trying to make up her own IEP, and failing miserably.

No, I think that some outside force intervened, because Erika seems like the type to toot her own horn if she realized something was wrong and did something about it.  Maybe someone from her church recognized the symptoms in the child, and then talked to her about it, but I bet she still either ignored the problem or tried to handle it herself until something happened to bring her to the attention of CSD.  Maybe the child acted out in a very public way after being stressed.

Whatever happened, I believe that either her husband or someone with legal authority not only forced Erika to have the child diagnosed, but also forced her to put that child and their siblings in public school.  Now the kids are out of the home for a few hours a day.  They're mixing with kids Erika wouldn't let them talk to if she could prevent it.  They're getting a better education, and probably being monitored to ensure that they're progressing.  That's a huge thing for the entire family.

Erika might be having trouble letting go, as she's a very controlling person, but I think that the new blog is actually a good sign.  She's accepting the new normal (at least for now) and trying to deal with it in her own way - by blogging.  She's admitted that something outside of her control has forced this change, but since it probably doesn't make her look good, she'll probably never share the details.  

Instead, she's been scurrying around looking for things that she thinks makes her  look good.  She figured out a way to pick up her kids from school in a way that she thinks makes her better than the other parents, so she posts it.  The fact that her way is good for her but not the best way for everyone, or even possible for everyone, is not relevant to her.  Erika needs outside validation that she's the first parent to figure out how to properly pick up her kids from school.  The best thing for those kids is probably a few kudo's to her for her improved method of getting her kids home after school, with a few very subtle mentions about how it's not possible for every parent to do the same, and then another tongue bath to Erika about how now she can help all the other ignorant parents learn from her wisdom.

Because in the end it's all about Erika.

[Hisey]

1 hour ago, Flossie said:

 

Instead, she's been scurrying around looking for things that she thinks makes her  look good.  She figured out a way to pick up her kids from school in a way that she thinks makes her better than the other parents, so she posts it.  The fact that her way is good for her but not the best way for everyone, or even possible for everyone, is not relevant to her.  Erika needs outside validation that she's the first parent to figure out how to properly pick up her kids from school.  The best thing for those kids is probably a few kudo's to her for her improved method of getting her kids home after school, with a few very subtle mentions about how it's not possible for every parent to do the same, and then another tongue bath to Erika about how now she can help all the other ignorant parents learn from her wisdom.

Because in the end it's all about Erika.

This. Excellent points. 

I agree that (if she'd allow comments) the best thing for the kids would be for readers to stroke Erika's ego.

It's hard to believe that she doesn't realize--on her own--that not every parent has an entire hour to sit in the car in the middle of the day drinking tea (she does the same routine for Brandon's pickup). 

I have noticed Asperger's is used as a catch-all diagnosis a lot. It is seen as a less stigmatizing diagnosis. Child not reading and writing at age 12? It's Aspergers. Child having daily temper tantrums and punching walls? Aspergers. I don't think Erika would accept a diagnosis for a child if there were only mild behavioral or learning struggles. No, I think she'd just ignore those things or deal with them privately, to protect her brand and her image. So I worry that the child with Asbergers is actually displaying quite serious behavioral or learning problems, forcing her to accept a "label."

3 hours ago, crawfishgirl said:

I live in a large school district, and most of the elementary schools start over an hour later than the middle and high schools.  It's due to bus scheduling - the buses handle the older kids first, and then they run their second morning route by picking up the elementary kids.  Same with the afternoon schedule.  When I still had a child in the lower grades, the later dismissal could be inconvenient, but it was better than them spending money to double the number of buses instead of spending the money on academics.  

Yes, I know that school start times are staggered. It's just that in our school district, it is the younger ones who get out very early, so I was surprised (not sure why I was surprised) that it was the exact opposite in Erika's part of the woods.

[Howl]

1 hour ago, Flossie said:

 She's admitted that something outside of her control has forced this change, but since it probably doesn't make her look good, she'll probably never share the details.   Instead, she's been scurrying around looking for things that she thinks makes her  look good.

This is something that drives me nucking futz.  Some shit happens where the blogger has to do a 180 on their previously stated, set-in-stone god jesus bible patriarchy beliefs.  And yet, there is no insight (none, zip, zero, nada) offered about how one deals with this type of change, despite how a forced change in direction and how one successfully copes with that is so useful. They don't even bother to truly recognize that there has been a drastic change, ESPECIALLY with super high control OCD types, like Erika here and I'm talking about you, Lisa Pennington.  And yes, damn it, I'm doing an armchair OCD diagnosis. 

"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."  RIP John Lennon

[mango_fandango]

Aspergers can take long enough to diagnose in a child from a non-religious non-homeschooling family, let alone in a fundie homeschool one.

Also, Aspergers doesn't usually hamper intelligence in the same way autism does. They can do pretty well in school if given support. I've long suspected I was on the spectrum, and I did OK in school. I found things like English literature difficult because I'm not much good at reading between the lines/working out the author's intentions etc, and even today I still have issues with essays, although how far that is to do with AS is debatable. 

[usmcmom]

These last few (excellent) comments have made me wonder just how much pressure the Shupe kids live with to validate their mother. I wonder if Erika has constantly reminded them of all she does for them and how they should be grateful and "thank mommy."  Does she show them her amazing schedules and hint that they need to tell Mommy what a good job she does taking care of all of them? 

I might be projecting because I was raised by a mother who insisted on constant validation and IT. IS. EXHAUSTING. Even now, when she has us over for dinner, she will actually say "Tell me how good it is."  "Aren't the potatoes good?"  "I think the meat is really tender. Don't you?"  

I think the kids are going to find public school to be a place of liberation and peace. I really feel bad that the two oldest girls were robbed of the experience to be out from under their mother's thumb.