Joy and Austin: dating with a purpose .... or something (part 4)

[Carm_88]

8 minutes ago, DaniLouisiana said:

Okay I have a question, just out of plain old cat curiousity-the ladies that it hurt the first time you did the "deed", how many of y'all are red heads? My reason for asking is this: 1-I'm studying immunology next week and my quick scan of the textbook has a section that deals with the perception of pain and 2-my fantastic lady PCP has mentioned to me on numerous visits that gingers have a higher perception of pain, followed by blondes. Brunettes/Ravens have the highest pain tolerence according to what she's studied. FYI-I'm a ginger, she's a blonde. She's fantastic in making sure that I have good pain control to the point of texting me reminders to not let the pain get ahead of me.

I'm a redhead but I have a very good pain tolerance. As do my brother who is also a redhead. I was in a serious car accident, had my shoulder crushed, and was refusing morphine the day after surgery. I was prescribed pain pills and never took them. Broken ribs? Never bothered me. I think it depends on the person more than the hair colour. 

I felt pain because I'm teeny and my boyfriend was on the larger side.  

[pamplemousse]

I was very late to the game (didn't lose my v-card until I was 33 -- and my partner was a virgin, too), but I'm glad it was with someone who, at the time, I very much loved. He had me take the lead, which probably helped. It felt good -- not mind-blowing or anything, but it was pleasurable enough. Probably my preparation I described previously helped with that. I felt afterwards like we had a bond no one else could have...you know what I mean?  Oh, it did get better, btw...at least for a while.

I remembered Dr. Ruth saying that after you had sex, you'd still be the same person and having sex wouldn't change it.  That was how I felt -- like I was still me. What did feel weird was that my parents and family were very much against having premarital sex (my oldest sister had her first child out of wedlock and my parents were way down on her for that), so whenever I went to visit my boyfriend (he lived about 700 miles away), I never told them afterwards that I'd spent nights with him (HA!).  My parents and one other sister went to their graves thinking I was still a virgin...maybe.

BTW, Dani, I'm a brunette who is a big baby when it comes to pain.

[mango_fandango]

Still a virgin here (and can imagine I will be for a while but that's another story). My friend lost her virginity a couple of years ago- I knew because we lived in the same house (second year uni students). She said it was OK, not painful (she didn't go into details about blood or anything). I don't really have any expectations about losing my v card as such. 

[feministxtian]

I bled like a stuck pig for three days after losing my v-card. Probably because it wasn't really a mutual thing, it was more of an assault. Put me right off having sex for the longest time and even now, I could happily live the rest of my life without having sex, even though I am married to a man who thinks I'm very desirable, would never hurt me and is actually pretty good in bed. It's not the action/sensations that put me off, it's the whole idea of being in that vulnerable place. 

[Smash!]

Re sex myths: I believed for a long time that sexual pleasure was harder for a women to achieve than for men and that it was completely normal not to have an orgasm while having sex with your bf. And also that is normal to have a low sex drive.
Well all this didn't good with me. I was in a relationship with a guy where I didn't feel anything during sex except the closeness between us (what I liked). Altough I knew my body pretty well and was able to give myself good O's, I believed the above and never questioned it. I just thought it was my body not responding properly to those sensations.
Until I met a guy... there was an immediate attraction between us. We fell madly in love and when we kissed, all I wanted was his hands all over my body, doing stuff with his hands and mouth *clearing throat*
It was so addictive and I desired him like crazy. Kissing him, foreplay and having sex was the best feeling in the world and yes, I had no problems having orgasms with him.
I thought my body wasn't able to experience this so I was pleasantly surprised.I realized I have a very high sex drive and how important it is to me to desire a man and that we match in the sex department.I just didn't desire my former bf sexually. I loved him, but I didn't desire him. But because of those myths I blamed my body and not the relationship itself.

[Lizzybet]

My first time was neither wonderful nor horrible. He'd had very minimal experience, and it was, literally over and done.

I was relieved, because as several here have stated, I'd been worried.

It got much better, but it took a while. Looking back, I think he was even more terrified than I, but for different reasons!

[Pukingpearl]

1 hour ago, DaniLouisiana said:

Okay I have a question, just out of plain old cat curiousity-the ladies that it hurt the first time you did the "deed", how many of y'all are red heads? My reason for asking is this: 1-I'm studying immunology next week and my quick scan of the textbook has a section that deals with the perception of pain and 2-my fantastic lady PCP has mentioned to me on numerous visits that gingers have a higher perception of pain, followed by blondes. Brunettes/Ravens have the highest pain tolerence according to what she's studied. FYI-I'm a ginger, she's a blonde. She's fantastic in making sure that I have good pain control to the point of texting me reminders to not let the pain get ahead of me.

I'm a redhead and I have a high pain tolerance. I've seen that same study but it's not my experience. I'm not a true ginger though, more of an auburn.

[VeganCupcake]

5 hours ago, Smash! said:

More TMI: As a virgin my vagina was so tight I could barely get a tampon in. I bled a lot during my first time but it wasn't painful. We didn't get along with missionaries so he put my legs on his shoulders, which was easier then for him to get in. Maybe that helped as well in terms of not being painful.
--> to all the nervous virgins: don't expect the first sex to be great - it gets a lot better!

Lol my first sex was great, probably some of the best since I was so tight haha, but I was at a more mature age than most (21) so I think I was more prepared and confident than a lot of younger people who don't really know what they're doing. Also the guy was very skilled and experienced (actually kind of a huge player haha) but patient. 

[mango_fandango]

I'm not so sure about my pain tolerance level. I'm also a redhead, not a proper-orangey-Rupert-Grint-colour ginger but an auburn, like @Pukingpearl. I feel the cold quite easily, especially on my thighs. As for the redheads having lower pain tolerance thing, there will always be exceptions to the rule.

[DaniLouisiana]

I'm an auburn to copper in the summer and have a higher pain tolerance (or at least I'm less whiny) than my raven haired husband. One raven kid-high tolerance,  2 gingery, one with very low pain tolerance and one with average tolerance. 

[CreationMuseumSeasonPass]

Again, I'm loving this thread drift. I wish I had been on here 8-9 years ago when I lost my v-card.

[Carm_88]

7 minutes ago, DaniLouisiana said:

I'm an auburn to copper in the summer and have a higher pain tolerance (or at least I'm less whiny) than my raven haired husband. One raven kid-high tolerance,  2 gingery, one with very low pain tolerance and one with average tolerance. 

My hair is orange, carrot top, same with my brother. We're both tough as nails. 

[KelseyAnn]

14 hours ago, SorenaJ said:

Just use lube for your first time. Makes everything easier. I was on my period for the first time (first time with a guy at least), and bled all over the place, not that anyone was checking that I was a virgin, since it was a tinder date, and he'd probably prefer that I wasn't. Actually there was a guy before that, but he only managed to get 1/4 of the way in. Second guy (on my period) got about ½ way in, third guy all the way in, no blood, no pain. I'm mainly into girls, so often find it hard to be sexually attracted to the guy I'm with. Poor non-straight fundies who might have to fake sexual attraction to their husband/wife   (not speculating on anyone's sexual orientation!) 

 

I WAS that poor non-straight fundie, lol. It was not pleasant. 

[MargaretElliott]

Apparently redheads have equal or higher pain tolerance in comparison to the other hair colors. They tested this on Mythbusters. Yes, I use a television show to inform my scientific opinions  But I love those guys!

Also, on the subject of sex myths, a girl I knew thought you should use both a male and a female condom at once. Despite the fact that I was still quite virginal at the time, I had to explain to her that the latex rubbing together could create tiny perforations, and increased the risk of pregnancy. Just follow the instructions on the box, that's the best way to avoid pregnancy!

I had a young, pink-haired lesbian as a sex ed teacher. She told us how to properly clean sex toys in ninth grade. She was awesome.

[Four is Enough]

I love remembering that I had my first "O" before I had penile sex...  BF didn't know what the hell was going on, and I was just making sure he wasn't going to stop what he was doing!!  I think it scared him...

[nausicaa]

2 hours ago, DaniLouisiana said:

Okay I have a question, just out of plain old cat curiousity-the ladies that it hurt the first time you did the "deed", how many of y'all are red heads? My reason for asking is this: 1-I'm studying immunology next week and my quick scan of the textbook has a section that deals with the perception of pain and 2-my fantastic lady PCP has mentioned to me on numerous visits that gingers have a higher perception of pain, followed by blondes. Brunettes/Ravens have the highest pain tolerence according to what she's studied. FYI-I'm a ginger, she's a blonde. She's fantastic in making sure that I have good pain control to the point of texting me reminders to not let the pain get ahead of me.

Naturally light brown hair. And losing my virginity hurt really badly. But again, I was stupid and really didn't understand the necessities of lube, foreplay, being comfortable. 

And my boyfriend at the time, while not mean or assaulting me in any way, was a complete and total idiot and did not understand how to make a woman more comfortable. I felt like a science experiment. (He was a virgin as well.)

[MoonFace]

On 1/16/2017 at 9:37 AM, Malizabeth said:

What on earth?!?  I would have failed that as I never bled my first time. I did use tampons though so...

I've been told that using a tampon may not break the hymen because it can stretch 

http://www.theperiodblog.com/how-to-guides/can-you-lose-your-virginity-to-a-tampon/

A hymen can break riding a bike or a horse, etc (Didn't Joy go horseback riding with MEchele in one episode?)

 

[MoonFace]

When I read the title Dating with a purpose I can only think that the purpose is to have sex and have it 'safely' in marriage. 

 

Oh, and while we are sharing TMI,

 

First time I did bleed a bit and it stung a bit but when that orgasm hit - who cared!  DAMN!   Lets do that AGAIN!   NOW!

[Diggingupdirt]

4 hours ago, DaniLouisiana said:

Okay I have a question, just out of plain old cat curiousity-the ladies that it hurt the first time you did the "deed", how many of y'all are red heads? My reason for asking is this: 1-I'm studying immunology next week and my quick scan of the textbook has a section that deals with the perception of pain and 2-my fantastic lady PCP has mentioned to me on numerous visits that gingers have a higher perception of pain, followed by blondes. Brunettes/Ravens have the highest pain tolerence according to what she's studied. FYI-I'm a ginger, she's a blonde. She's fantastic in making sure that I have good pain control to the point of texting me reminders to not let the pain get ahead of me.

I'm a dishwasher blonde.

[lumpentheologie]

7 hours ago, MargaretElliott said:

All right, this might be TMI (sorry!) but with all the advice flying everywhere, I thought I'd put in my two cents... you might want to get checked out by a doctor before. Just to make sure everything's normal down there. Long story short, I had an underlying medical condition (microperforate hymen, google it) that made sex impossible and attempting it was excruciating. Needed surgery and (as a result of post-surgical vaginismus) LOTS of pelvic floor physical therapy. So to anyone out there for whom sex is painful/impossible, you're not alone. Your first time isn't supposed to hurt. If something's wrong, go to a doctor, and tell them everything, so they can help you. I was so confused and scared, because I never knew my conditions existed. I thought I was broken. Well, I kind of was, but thanks to some fantastic doctors, things got better. It's a lot of hard work and it's emotionally draining, but you can get there 

 Yes, this!  I also had a microperforate hymen, and had to get it removed with surgery.  This happened when I was 16 and I finally worked up the nerve to complain to my mom about not being able to wear tampons (I was on a synchronized swim team and missing practice was becoming a problem). But I lost my virginity about six months later, so it was good timing.  I didn't have any vaginismus, but the thought of someone trying to have sex with me without the surgery is beyond terrifying. I have a fairly high pain tolerance (brown hair with some auburn highlights, if anyone's interested) and I made several attempts at forcing a tampon through before giving up and getting outside help. 

When I did have sex, it still hurt even without a hymen! I second (or 10th at this point?) the importance of using lube (or having your partner go down on you a lot first) -- I had no idea about that, and my boyfriend at the time was also a virgin. My skin around the outside of my lady bits tore open in a few places, and bled enough that there was blood on the toilet paper afterwards, but not on the sheets. It was raw, but not enough to keep me from wanting to try again the next day! 

[sansan]

12 hours ago, wandering woman said:

TMI, people.

Thank you thank you thank you!

 

[closetcagebaby]

9 minutes ago, sansan said:

Thank you thank you thank you!

 

Anyone is perfectly able to skip over anything they don't wish to read, but it's very obvious most people are enjoying this thread drift and it's been very helpful for some!

 

I am another high pain tolerating redhead (true bright copper red) but losing my v was terribly painful and took a lot of practice even with proper warmups!

[Audrey2]

This thread drift has given me food for thought. After reading your stories, I wondered what would happen if a Fundie (not any specific fundie) had the same issue that a couple of you mentioned, when you had the microperforated hymen or vaginismus and needed to seek medical attention to break it. Would they even be allowed to see a doctor to do this, or would their husband keep pounding away (sorry, no double meaning, but that seemed the best word) until he made it in or decided to stop. Would anyone counsel them to see a doctor; that is, would they talk to anyone about it? If the wife was supposed to be joyfully available, how would this work if she were unable to physically be available?

 

In this probably not so hypothetical situation, given how many Fundies there are, my heart would break for this woman. I can't imagine the shame and self doubt she'd face, possibly compounded by her husband. While some Fundie men would want to work with their wives, others (Michael Pearl comes to mind, only because his and Debi's honeymoon has been written about and you can find it on the Ineternet) would berate their new wife, and tell them they aren't Holy enough. 

[VeganCupcake]

2 minutes ago, Audrey2 said:

This thread drift has given me food for thought. After reading your stories, I wondered what would happen if a Fundie (not any specific fundie) had the same issue that a couple of you mentioned, when you had the microperforated hymen or vaginismus and needed to seek medical attention to break it. Would they even be allowed to see a doctor to do this, or would their husband keep pounding away (sorry, no double meaning, but that seemed the best word) until he made it in or decided to stop. Would anyone counsel them to see a doctor; that is, would they talk to anyone about it? If the wife was supposed to be joyfully available, how would this work if she were unable to physically be available?

Hmm interesting question. Do most fundies routinely visit the gynecologist? I'm sure the hymen issue would be extremely traumatizing for one of them based on how much shame and awkwardness they are made to feel about their bodies.

I remember being around 12 and throwing a tantrum when the pediatrician asked me to undress. I wasn't even raised hardcore fundie, but I internalized a lot of body issues due to my parents obsessing over modesty rules like not being allowed to wear normal bathing suits, etc. 

Fortunately I have outgrown that and have no problem stripping off for the doctors lol I'm glad I got over my shyness issues. 

[season of life]

Maybe this isn't the right place to ask, but as a virgin, I'm curious. Did anyone lose their virginity while on top of the man/boy? Did you bleed as well?

I read that this position gives women more control and may decrease a little of first-time pain. Was this your experience?