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The Willis Family: Rape Charges Part 2


samurai_sarah

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14 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

I'm not all the way through Jessica's blog, but I have read the part where she says in April 2015, while on tour, she walks into their hotel room to find her mom and sisters crying and upset.  Jessica does not give specifics.  What happened?  She says she knew what the looks on their faces meant:  The abuse was continuing.  So did the mom know in April 2015, but did nothing and continued filming and promoting submitting to your husband?

In August 2015, Jessica writes 14 pages describing her father's abuse and has her mom read it.   Mom is outraged, dad denies, and mom does not contact the police.  Why the hell not?  14 pages of abuse, but then life goes on.

Help me understand why the mom is getting no flack for her clear knowledge of the abuse, but taking no action to contact authorities.  It was another relative who contacted the cops.  If not for them, the abuse could be going on today.

Brenda was clearly being somewhat abused (the extent of which we do not know) by him too and likewise the majority of the Willis's (dunno about Jess) seem to still be close with her.

I think another reason is that Jessica shows that Brenda did try to stand up to him, she wasn't a complete enabler. I think this quote alone is most telling of why Brenda stayed silent:

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My father lashed out at both of us with whatever threats necessary to maintain his control and began consistently threatening my mom with the lives of the entire family.

At the end of the day, Brenda messed up. She should have said something, she should have done more. But it's one of those classic situations where people stay with the people who abuse them, whether that be that they can't get out or they don't want to. The only person who knows that answer is Brenda, and she's the one who has to live with it.

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22 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

Help me understand why the mom is getting no flack for her clear knowledge of the abuse, but taking no action to contact authorities.  It was another relative who contacted the cops.  If not for them, the abuse could be going on today.

As Brenda has not been charged with abuse or neglect, my guess is that she was  deemed a victim of abuse, as well as her children, after the investigation.

@Nikedagain?, just took the words off my keyboard.  Mama Pilgrim was not charged with abuse either.  Nor (to cite another famous case) was Hedda Nussbaum.  All resistance had been beaten out of them, and the emotional abuse with the threats to kill the children were there.

Yes, Brenda will get flack.  Lots of it.  But mostly from people who do not understand the dynamics of abuse and control, the power of gaslighting, the insidious nature of denial, and the way families can appear sparkly clean to the outside world while hiding horrendous abuse.

Jessica's statement is extraordinarily powerful and her testimony, after another extended family member had reported suspicions, was undoubtedly the catalyst to get a complete investigation underway.

The family needs to process and heal.  I think it is better to focus on Brenda's cooperation with the investigation then it is to dwell on what she failed to do.  

And she will have to deal with the guilt until her dying day.

 

 

 

 

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Man I hate Toby Willis. Like really really hate him as much as you can hate a person you don't know. If some of the other family members tell their stories, I may not be able to read them. I'm seething. I'm going to be angry for the rest of the night and I don't want to take it out on my family so I may have to avoid this thread for awhile. 

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I’ve just read Jessica’s blog post.  It was a hard read. 

The extent of the abuse is staggering. Jessica hiding in the tour bus after being beaten is harrowing. Also the bit when she talks about her brother going to tell Toby about something she had/hadn’t done, so so awful. 

 

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2 hours ago, MorningMist said:
3 hours ago, Hisey said:

Their rapist father put the kids in inappropriate situations. Isolating your kids, then having teenagers dance for hours with each other? --not my idea of good parenting. Boundaries.

With that said, I'm shocked that Brenda knew--or pretty much knew--and chose to believe the rapist over her little daughter. Then, when it all came out, she pretended she had no idea. She should've protected her little girls. 

I think we can all agree that Brenda should have acted sooner but I think Jess's blog really emphasises why this didn't occur. Brenda was stuck, they all were. 

I think the point I get from it is while she did have an suspicion, she didn't know for certain nor could the girls tell/express what had happened to them either out of fear. Plus, it is likely Toby was abusing Brenda also so part of it may have been fear that the attacks would get worse if she did. When she did stand up for her children, it didnt seem like she could do much before he overpowered her both mentally and physically. Likewise, she didn't have an out, she was a stay at home mother to a lot of kids that she couldn't physically protect/remove from the house all at once, spent a lot of time pregnant (and especially later on with Jaeger and Jada I believe she had troubles which only worsened the situation), and her husband was aggressive at best. It was only really until Jess's letter that outline everything that made her confront what she knew deep down was happening and the moment she did, he threaten her children.

If she had done things differently or had a better situation, things would be much different and a lot less pain would have been caused. I'm sure this is plaguing Brenda everyday. But what matters is she is doing right by her children now, and that is all and everything she can do.

I think we need to be very careful about what we say about Brenda. I volunteer with my local Women's Legal Centre giving advice to women needing to leave abusive situations. It's important to remember that unless you have been in a situation like this one, it's impossible to fully understand what it feels like. We've all stayed silent on issues because of fear of reprisals--be they social, financial, or otherwise; and the situation Brenda found herself in was analogous to that but 1000x worse. I can't overstate the effect that long term, sustained emotional abuse can have on a person. Your sense of reality completely shifts, and a skilful abuser (which Toby clearly was) can make up seem like down, right seem like wrong. Add to this the cycle of abuse, in which the abused party is gaslighted into thinking their reaction to abuse is irrational, that the behaviour in question may not be abusive at all, and then that everything might be able to go back to 'normal' if they just behave the way the abuser wants them to. 

Brenda's behaviour since Toby's arrest tells the most important story, as far as I'm concerned. She cut of contact with Toby immediately and has, to public view at least, been incredibly supportive of the children's process of healing. 

I've added some links to articles about why abused partners stay in abusive relationships, because I think it is incredibly important that we treat Brenda with compassion as well, and that we are very careful about what we say about her actions and experiences. She is a victim as well.

http://time.com/3309687/why-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/why-do-adults-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

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Given that Toby has a background in wrestling, if anything escalates, it can get bad (not saying it never escalated based on Jessica's blog post). It would have been very difficult for anyone to speak out if they were still living in the house. Homeschooling itself is not a bad thing, but full on isolation is a huge red flag. They had church at home with only their family.

I picked up really bad vibes from the dude from watching the show. One would have to be completely oblivious to not see it. 

As mentioned likely ad nauseum, the dynamics of abuse are complicated.

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As @Palimpsest has stated, the threats to the family and Brenda were real.  Toby presents as being quite capable of killing his whole family.  

If I recall there were two shows, the Willis clan and the Willis family.  In the first show you got a glimpse of how rigid Toby was and how tightly he controlled the family.  This was altered in the second show to make him appear more loving and less controlling.

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Thank you to those who responded to my question.  I really hope this family can heal and stay close with each other.  

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2 hours ago, Plum78 said:

I’ve just read Jessica’s blog post.  It was a hard read. 

The extent of the abuse is staggering. Jessica hiding in the tour bus after being beaten is harrowing. Also the bit when she talks about her brother going to tell Toby about something she had/hadn’t done, so so awful. 

 

That part of her story really stuck out to me. She has a disagreement with Jair, who runs to tell Toby, who then beats Jessica with a belt. It would seem that, based on the dynamics Jessica described, Jair had to have known that by telling Toby he was putting Jessica in a shitty spot. I’m really angry that, with all those brothers who were state champion wrestlers in peak physical condition, they did not protect her; she was beaten with a belt at age 24!! I’m not blaming them - I understand they were likely victimized in some way, too - but still...dammit.

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29 minutes ago, Tom_Schmidt said:

That part of her story really stuck out to me. She has a disagreement with Jair, who runs to tell Toby, who then beats Jessica with a belt. It would seem that, based on the dynamics Jessica described, Jair had to have known that by telling Toby he was putting Jessica in a shitty spot. I’m really angry that, with all those brothers who were state champion wrestlers in pique physical condition, they did not protect her; she was beaten with a belt at age 24!! I’m not blaming them - I understand they were likely victimized in some way, too - but still...dammit.

This is a difficult concept for those who have not experienced it first hand but to me this describes a typical relationship between siblings who have been abused by a parent who is a malignant narcissist. The children tend to be devided into to categories by the narcissistic parent: the scapegoat - who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family life. And the Golden Child who can do no wrong. I often see this pattern within fundie blogging families and more often than not, the female children are raised as the scapegoats and the male children are raised as the golden children. Kids raised to identify within these categories from birth continue to self perpetuate these behaviours as adults - it’s a key way for the narcissistic parent to remain in control as they get older. Their abuser had programmed Jessica to submit, but Jair had also been programmed to report on his siblings if they rebelled. It’s a sick cycle of control and both kids have been damaged.

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2 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Man I hate Toby Willis. Like really really hate him as much as you can hate a person you don't know. If some of the other family members tell their stories, I may not be able to read them. I'm seething. I'm going to be angry for the rest of the night and I don't want to take it out on my family so I may have to avoid this thread for awhile. 

Right after reading Jessica's blog,  I unfairly was very cranky with my daughter.  It got me in a dark and angry place that was not my own.  

The fact that Jessica hid from the cops bloody and freshly beaten says a lot. Not one member of that family said a word at that moment on the bus.  I'd bet my life that they wish they could or did.  They were scared for their lives.  The police even took great caution arresting that monster.  I am disturbed by the mother as Jessica stated she heard her parents fight over it.  Pretty early on.  However, having never been there myself and reading so many stories with the same narrative, I withhold judgement on mom.  Don't know enough and she was a victim too. Hindsight is 20/20, that mom has been through hell and will stay in that hell for ever.   Yes, I do want to shake her and ask "why?  How could you?"  But, I have not walked in her shoes.  Pure evil.  It started when they were so little and young.  I can't imagine.  My daddy is my protector, the one who told me how guys really think when I started dating.  He gave me advice, freedom and guidance.  I can't imagine.  Jessica is a very strong woman.  I wish them all the best.

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The environment in that household must have been incredibly tense and violent.  The girls literally thought it was just themselves.  Think about that, if you dare.  They never shared any of it to eachother in any way.  Wow.  Most stories I have read, it was known other siblings were being abused.  Then, the contrast of good times playing music and whatnot.  I kinda hate to mention it but, Lori Alexander.   This is her preferred family set up to achieve godliness, yes?  No fail godliness, right Lori?  Yeah, no bitch.  It set things up for this unspeakable horror to continue for so long .  Zero safety net of school or church folks to intervene or simply the kids experiences with people outside the immediate family unit possibly leading to rescue sooner.

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Yes, Brenda will get flack.  Lots of it.  But mostly from people who do not understand the dynamics of abuse and control, the power of gaslighting, the insidious nature of denial, and the way families can appear sparkly clean to the outside world while hiding horrendous abuse.

Actually, there are abused women who DO leave their abusers, and take their kids with them. The dynamics of abuse and control does not stop every woman from protecting their kids. It is hard to know why some do, and some don't.

What amazes me is: 1. How could she live knowing her little girls were being raped in her own house, and live that way for years? and 2. how could she lie and pretend she knew nothing after Toby was arrested? The truth is, she knew her girls were being raped, and she did nothing to stop it.

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I have read and re-read Jessica's post several times now. I am overwhelmed. 

This part sticks out:

Quote

I showed the letter to my mother who was rightly outraged. My father refused to read it and accused me of lying. I had taken my first step towards speaking out, but I had shared my story with another victim trapped in the same prison as me. My father lashed out at both of us with whatever threats necessary to maintain his control and began consistently threatening my mom with the lives of the entire family. I continued to look for a way out on my own but it can seem impossible to jump off a runaway train.

There was no safe way for Brenda to do anything without risking the lives of her children. How abhorrent and sickening is that? It's one thing to make a break for it with one kid but when you have twelve, how on earth are you supposed to escape in secret? Toby had them cornered, completely. 

15 hours ago, BlessingsVonFundiePants said:

Their abuser had programmed Jessica to submit, but Jair had also been programmed to report on his siblings if they rebelled. It’s a sick cycle of control and both kids have been damaged.

I've been thinking about this a lot, especially having watched the DailyMail interview. I noticed that Jair seemed troubled and steadfast in his 'I will never have a relationship with my father'. He was forceful. I have no doubt that he likely feels a great sense of guilt having learned the true extent of everything that was happening to his sisters. But then, with therapy, he has probably come to realise that he was a victim of emotional abuse and manipulation, too. I watched the reality tv show and Jair was constantly criticised for being emotional, and he was told he needed to 'man up' and get over his problems. Yes, he has a temper... but if your example is your abusive, manipulative, belt-wielding father than subconsciously that's the behaviour you're going to learn, yeah? And you won't start to unlearn it until you receive help and realise that it's wrong, and that you can function in different ways.

17 hours ago, CurlyWurly said:

Brenda's behaviour since Toby's arrest tells the most important story, as far as I'm concerned. She cut of contact with Toby immediately and has, to public view at least, been incredibly supportive of the children's process of healing. 

I've added some links to articles about why abused partners stay in abusive relationships, because I think it is incredibly important that we treat Brenda with compassion as well, and that we are very careful about what we say about her actions and experiences. She is a victim as well.

http://time.com/3309687/why-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/why-do-adults-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

Absolutely. We cannot begin to fathom what she has experienced. 

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"That weekend, Sean sent me a message saying he thought he had “figured out what had happened in my past”. I confirmed. I remember him asking me if I was safe. I looked around and, though I didn’t voice it, I realized I was not. No one had ever told their truth."

Honestly, bless Sean so much for being the light Jessica needed. He was the catalyst for her writing the 14 page letter, for her getting out safely. He provided support and perspective and in saving Jess, he saved her family. I can't imagine what it would have been like had he not been around for her. 

Sorry for the long post, everyone. I'm a survivor, too... I've never been able to speak up to my mother or anyone else in my family, nor have I spoken with authorities. Pretty sure the statute of limitations is up in my area. But reading Jessica's story, as heartbreaking as it is, has given me some semblance of strength. Perhaps I'll be able to speak up, too. 

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7 hours ago, CurlyWurly said:

I think we need to be very careful about what we say about Brenda. I volunteer with my local Women's Legal Centre giving advice to women needing to leave abusive situations. It's important to remember that unless you have been in a situation like this one, it's impossible to fully understand what it feels like. We've all stayed silent on issues because of fear of reprisals--be they social, financial, or otherwise; and the situation Brenda found herself in was analogous to that but 1000x worse. I can't overstate the effect that long term, sustained emotional abuse can have on a person. Your sense of reality completely shifts, and a skilful abuser (which Toby clearly was) can make up seem like down, right seem like wrong. Add to this the cycle of abuse, in which the abused party is gaslighted into thinking their reaction to abuse is irrational, that the behaviour in question may not be abusive at all, and then that everything might be able to go back to 'normal' if they just behave the way the abuser wants them to. 

Brenda's behaviour since Toby's arrest tells the most important story, as far as I'm concerned. She cut of contact with Toby immediately and has, to public view at least, been incredibly supportive of the children's process of healing. 

I've added some links to articles about why abused partners stay in abusive relationships, because I think it is incredibly important that we treat Brenda with compassion as well, and that we are very careful about what we say about her actions and experiences. She is a victim as well.

http://time.com/3309687/why-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/why-do-adults-stay-in-abusive-relationships/

This is such an important statement.  Thank you.  Notice how Brenda immediately changed once her tormentor was safely apprehended.   The problem with sort of monster is that you can't just leave him.  He will come for you, relentlessly.   Kill you.  In order to do that, one would need some underground shit with tons of planning.  Does that even exist?

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2 hours ago, MorningMist said:

I think we can all agree that Brenda should have acted sooner but I think Jess's blog really emphasises why this didn't occur. Brenda was stuck, they all were. 

I don't agree. She was their mother, she had the duty to protect them. When Jessica was 9yo and Brenda found out that something was very wrong she should have done something. And with something I mean something other than birthing 5 more potential victims for the monster. In all those years she didn't look too hard to find proof didn't she? She behaved as if she lived in the middle of nowhere in 19th century with no resources. She chose to abide by patriarchy and religious bullshit and so "forgot" to teach her kids the words to identify and communicate abuse. Jessica says that the siblings talked for years without understanding that they were all talking of the same things. That's possible only if their vocabulary so poor and their ignorance about abuse was soo deep that they literally lacked the mental frame to process events and express express them in a vaguely comprehensible way. She was their educator and she did a poor job of it.

I wonder if she had grown up in a patriarchal environment, does anyone know? If she came from a normal family, went to school and knew about 21st century resources like women shelters, CPS, police, courts and still did nothing to protect her kids for 15yrs, well, no sympathy from me. She had no evidence? She had plenty of time and opportunities to gather proof in 15 years.

When this story broke it seemed like she acted as soon as she found out, Jessica account tells a wholly different truth.

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9 hours ago, CurlyWurly said:

She is a victim as well.

And an enabler. She was both. She won't heal without coming to terms with that. And most of all probably Jessica and her siblings won't heal without coming to terms with her mother's betrayal. Because that's it, if you're an abused 9yo and you tell your mom and, besides talking with your abuser and making the situation worse, she does nothing and keeps doing nothing for 15 years, that's what it is, betrayal.

I too think Brenda is a victim, but she was also an enabler. Even more so if she had a "normal" upbringing and chose patriarchy when she married Toby Willis.

As for Toby Willis, people like him make me understand why death penalty still exists somewhere.

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I understand that in a dysfunctional sick family the abuser creates a kind of reality in which each subject has a role, some are sexually and physically abused, others can only physically. The abuser does not teach children to protect their siblings o mother protect her children but uses them as control tools without them being aware of it.

Surely brenda suffered abuse from her husband and toby threatened to kill everyone or could that if she said the truth all her family would be destroyed and she felt the need to please her abuser.
But the strange thing about brenda is that we have seen her on television as manager of the band, as a modern woman, determined and with a strong personality. She traveled with Jessica and Jere to New York for her children to audition, she was not locked in the house, controled by her abuser 24 hours a day and of course, I think it is normal to feel something deceived by her and you can feel a certain indignation from Jessica to her family that she had to escape.

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Even if Brenda wanted to call the authorities, her children's lives were being threatened. From Jessica's post it sounds like those threats were very real and they knew those threats could become a reality.

Sorry, but I don't buy the 'Brenda is an enabler' thing. If she's a victim as Jessica says, then she's been manipulated and abused just as much as the girls were. And there's no way in hell that she would risk the lives of her children. 

 

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1 hour ago, Front Hugging Fiend said:

Even if Brenda wanted to call the authorities, her children's lives were being threatened. From Jessica's post it sounds like those threats were very real and they knew those threats could become a reality.

Sorry, but I don't buy the 'Brenda is an enabler' thing. If she's a victim as Jessica says, then she's been manipulated and abused just as much as the girls were. And there's no way in hell that she would risk the lives of her children. 

 

According to Jessicathe death threats started when she wrote down all the abuse, 13 years after her mother first found out.

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2 hours ago, apiscue said:

I understand that in a dysfunctional sick family the abuser creates a kind of reality in which each subject has a role, some are sexually and physically abused, others can only physically. The abuser does not teach children to protect their siblings o mother protect her children but uses them as control tools without them being aware of it.

Surely brenda suffered abuse from her husband and toby threatened to kill everyone or could that if she said the truth all her family would be destroyed and she felt the need to please her abuser.
But the strange thing about brenda is that we have seen her on television as manager of the band, as a modern woman, determined and with a strong personality. She traveled with Jessica and Jere to New York for her children to audition, she was not locked in the house, controled by her abuser 24 hours a day and of course, I think it is normal to feel something deceived by her and you can feel a certain indignation from Jessica to her family that she had to escape.

I don't believe for a second to whatever portrayal reality tv shows make of people. Once they are on tv they aren't their own selves, they are characters. That said I hardly believe that she couldn't find five minutes by herself to make an anonymous call to CPS. This doesn't make her less of a victim, you can be a victim and an enabler at the same time. Honestly the most shocking part for me is that she neglected to educate her children to the point that they didn't have the language skills to tell the abuse.

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8 hours ago, Hisey said:

Actually, there are abused women who DO leave their abusers, and take their kids with them. The dynamics of abuse and control does not stop every woman from protecting their kids. It is hard to know why some do, and some don't.

What amazes me is: 1. How could she live knowing her little girls were being raped in her own house, and live that way for years? and

It is hard to understand the dynamics of domestic violence, especially if you have never experienced abuse yourself.  Some women do manage to leave, and sometimes the abuse of their children acts as the final straw.  Many remain trapped in the dysfunction and violence.   It is a very complex psychological area and Brenda has her own story. 

The people who do manage to escape the cycle of violence, earlier rather than later, often have a resilience built up by positive childhood experiences, a very strong family or friend support system that hangs in there while they make repeated attempts to leave, and faith in law enforcement and the legal system to protect them from the abuser.  Law enforcement and legislation is improving in this area, but still has a very long way to go.  Police officers lose patience with victims who refuse to file charges, judges have historically failed to take the threats seriously, and many abusers are given what amounts to slaps on the wrist, even today.

In reality, the most dangerous time for any survivor is when they decide to leave.  That is when the abuser escalates and is most likely to become a killer.  Women have literally been gunned down on the courthouse steps. Protective orders must be enforced, abusers should be denied bail, and we need many more shelters and safe houses.

 

4 hours ago, laPapessaGiovanna said:

And an enabler. She was both. She won't heal without coming to terms with that. And most of all probably Jessica and her siblings won't heal without coming to terms with her mother's betrayal. Because that's it, if you're an abused 9yo and you tell your mom and, besides talking with your abuser and making the situation worse, she does nothing and keeps doing nothing for 15 years, that's what it is, betrayal.

I too think Brenda is a victim, but she was also an enabler. Even more so if she had a "normal" upbringing and chose patriarchy when she married Toby Willis.

Brenda does need to come to terms with the enormous damage her actions (or inactions) have caused.  She needs years of therapy. But don't jump to conclusions about what "normal" upbringings look like or how and why she failed to act.  We can acknowledge that her inaction enabled Toby Willis without blaming the victim. 

In Jessica's account, she understands that her mother was also a victim of Toby.  And also points out that the abuse escalated to "consistent" death threats.  She does not say that death threats had not been made before.  [My bolding]

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It poured out of me in terrible detail and it was the first time I felt the power of its story. I showed the letter to my mother who was rightly outraged. My father refused to read it and accused me of lying. I had taken my first step towards speaking out, but I had shared my story with another victim trapped in the same prison as me. My father lashed out at both of us with whatever threats necessary to maintain his control and began consistently threatening my mom with the lives of the entire family. I continued to look for a way out on my own but it can seem impossible to jump off a runaway train.

Jessica also does not blame her mother or her siblings.  She understands and sees them all as victims and now survivors.  She blew the whistle and is in a position to know why they did not - or could not.

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As my mom and siblings move forward with their lives, I am so grateful for the chance we have had to heal and continue to grow closer  – most recently through the process of me preparing and sharing this account. My mom and siblings each have their own powerful stories and they are all beautiful survivors. I have felt such support from them in the telling of this story and I look forward to supporting them in theirs.

Finally, a good article about how society still blames the victims - and how that victim blaming makes it even harder for people to get out.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201303/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships  

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2. how could she lie and pretend she knew nothing after Toby was arrested?

@HiseyI'm really not sure where you are getting this from.  All the articles I have seen say that Brenda cooperated fully with the investigation after Toby was arrested. 

Remember, the evil starts and ends with Toby Willis.  That is where your anger needs to be focused - not on the victims.

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4 hours ago, apiscue said:

I understand that in a dysfunctional sick family the abuser creates a kind of reality in which each subject has a role, some are sexually and physically abused, others can only physically. The abuser does not teach children to protect their siblings o mother protect her children but uses them as control tools without them being aware of it.

Surely brenda suffered abuse from her husband and toby threatened to kill everyone or could that if she said the truth all her family would be destroyed and she felt the need to please her abuser.
But the strange thing about brenda is that we have seen her on television as manager of the band, as a modern woman, determined and with a strong personality. She traveled with Jessica and Jere to New York for her children to audition, she was not locked in the house, controled by her abuser 24 hours a day and of course, I think it is normal to feel something deceived by her and you can feel a certain indignation from Jessica to her family that she had to escape.

Sorry. Snip didn't snip. I'm a Dinasaur. 

It is possible that Brenda stayed quiet once she realised that the better known the family became the more chance they had of escaping safely. Having TV crews around took the pressure of slightly. Toby would have been too clever than to issues death threats etc. He didn't want his rule to end. He is obviously devious and can no doubt turn on the charm when required. 

Also because they are now well known there was more chance of him being caught once he did a runner. (Am I correct  in thinking he was apprehended traveling by himself?)

The above sounds clumsy but hopefully the gist of my meaning is clear.

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18 hours ago, EmmieJ said:

Help me understand why the mom is getting no flack for her clear knowledge of the abuse, but taking no action to contact authorities.  It was another relative who contacted the cops.  If not for them, the abuse could be going on today.

Others have said much more, and more eloquently, but I'll reiterate: I believe Brenda herself was a victim as well. Toby controlled the money. It was his insurance payout that ran the family finances. He was in total control. If she had no resources, how could she escape?

5 hours ago, apiscue said:


But the strange thing about brenda is that we have seen her on television as manager of the band, as a modern woman, determined and with a strong personality. She traveled with Jessica and Jere to New York for her children to audition, she was not locked in the house, controled by her abuser 24 hours a day and of course, I think it is normal to feel something deceived by her and you can feel a certain indignation from Jessica to her family that she had to escape.

It's what she was permitted to do by Toby. She travelled, sure. But who could she talk to in New York who would help her? They lived in Tennessee, didn't they? And if they were followed by a camera crew, any little side trip would be recorded and noted in some way.

I hold judgment on Brenda because I believe her story is probably much more complicated than we know, just as Jessica kept saying she was only keeping to the bare bones of her story. As horrifying as it was, I'm sure that there are layers of deceit, layers of Toby's covering every aspect of this with his own strange ideas of appropriate behavior, God, sex, and male privilege.

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