Jinger and the Jock- I only wanna be with you!

[alba]

I can't get over wedding registries these days. I don't think it's just a fundie gift grab anymore. Few months ago I looked at the registry for a sorority sister and it blew my mind. Three stores, over 10k worth of stuff at each one (I may or may not have done the math... DON'T JUDGE ME), AND a honeymoon fund. I just don't understand it. Who needs that much stuff? Aren't you going to wind up with a bunch of crap you don't need if you ask for everything under the sun?? 

When DH and I got married, we had one registry at Bed Bath and Beyond. And the list of what we didn't ask for was far larger than what we did ask for. Some kitchen stuff we didn't have, dishes, and a few nicer things like a breadmaker and my beloved KitchenAid. I remember the salesman kept telling us that since we expected about 110 people at the wedding we needed to register for three gifts for each person. I looked at him like he grew another head. We don't NEED all that stuff! Nobody does!

Three?! Who buys three gifts for one occasion?!

[VelociRapture]

12 hours ago, nausicaa said:

Typical etiquette states you should stay at least until the cake is cut and then you are free to leave. It's typically about two hours at a formal reception until the cake is cut, but it varies obviously. And the dancing usually picks up after the cake cutting, so if that's not your thing you can head out. Before that is toasts, dinner, and first dances, so you're sitting most of the time at least. 

It depends a lot on the Bride and Groom too I think. Some couples would throw a temper tantrum if a guest dared to even sneeze during the first dance, let alone leave a bit early. Almost everytime the subject of a former friend's wedding came up, she would find a way to bash her sister-in-law (a Bridesmaid) for leaving soon after formal photos were done.... Despite the fact that she had a cranky barely one year-old son being watched by a babysitter she didn't know (hired by Bride and Groom) in another part of the venue after he had a meltdown when he got to the altar. She took him back to their hotel room so he could sleep - which makes sense considering the ceremony didn't start until after 7:00. One of the many ridiculous moments she had regarding her wedding to be honest.

Husband and I, on the other hand, had no issues with one couple being a no show day off (they texted their apologies ahead of the ceremony) and a few guests needing to leave before the cake cutting. We were just happy the guests who made it were able to be there to celebrate with us and grateful that one couple thought to apologize ahead of time.

@KittikatzAs long as the guests are informed ahead of time about what to expect I don't see a big issue either with the actual style of the reception. If guests at Jill and Jessa's weddings knew they'd be in the parking lot eating only sugary snacks after the ceremony and they still chose to go, then that's on them not the couple.

If they didn't know what to expect that's a different story. I think any couple should try and let guests know ahead of time just for planning purposes - that way you know if you should eat a meal right before going or not.

[VelociRapture]

37 minutes ago, Mela99 said:

I can't get over wedding registries these days. I don't think it's just a fundie gift grab anymore. Few months ago I looked at the registry for a sorority sister and it blew my mind. Three stores, over 10k worth of stuff at each one (I may or may not have done the math... DON'T JUDGE ME), AND a honeymoon fund. I just don't understand it. Who needs that much stuff? Aren't you going to wind up with a bunch of crap you don't need if you ask for everything under the sun?? 

When DH and I got married, we had one registry at Bed Bath and Beyond. And the list of what we didn't ask for was far larger than what we did ask for. Some kitchen stuff we didn't have, dishes, and a few nicer things like a breadmaker and my beloved KitchenAid. I remember the salesman kept telling us that since we expected about 110 people at the wedding we needed to register for three gifts for each person. I looked at him like he grew another head. We don't NEED all that stuff! Nobody does!

The former friend I mentioned registered at two stores for a huge amount of stuff. I doubt they've actually used half of it - and they'll be married three years this winter.

And in a total BEC moment, their home constantly looked like a disaster because they didn't have room for all the stuff they have. 

(And I feel I'm entitled to being a bit bitchy about them because she had the nerve to complain about her in-laws planning their honeymoon for them... Their $10,000.00 honeymoon, which her in-laws generously paid for in full. Or complaining about her parents who let them rent part of their home for a severely discounted rate for their first year of marriage so they could save money - they built a small wall and door in between the two parts of the house, so it basically became an in-law suite. )

[Four is Enough]

Since I'm a huge proponent of "have the wedding/honeymoon that you can afford" I would DEFINITELY not contribute to a honey moon fund!! Of course, I buy the gift I can afford for the couple; I don't "pay for my own plate", either!

[alba]

Since I'm a huge proponent of "have the wedding/honeymoon that you can afford" I would DEFINITELY not contribute to a honey moon fund!! Of course, I buy the gift I can afford for the couple; I don't "pay for my own plate", either!

I wouldn't mind contributing to a honeymoon fund or getting something off a honeymoon registry AS a gift, as I'm a firm believer in getting people gifts they'll appreciate, and if that's a gondola trip on their Venetian honeymoon instead of a dining set I'm not bothered. But I think it's harder to do that as a couple compared to an ordinary registry, as many people prefer to get something physical and persistent and perceive monetary gifts (which a honeymoon registry where you pay for a gondola ride or meal at a fancy restaurant essentially is) as uncouth.

[nst]

i would just send the bride a massage gift certificate.  It will cure all 

[December]

9 minutes ago, alba said:

But I think it's harder to do that as a couple compared to an ordinary registry, as many people prefer to get something physical and persistent and perceive monetary gifts (which a honeymoon registry where you pay for a gondola ride or meal at a fancy restaurant essentially is) as uncouth.

 

I think that's why honeymoon registries and similar things are so popular. Because someone's gifting an "experience" they don't have to feel like they're breaking the social taboo against just handing the newlyweds a check. I don't understand the stigma against gifts of money in the first place, though... 

31 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

Since I'm a huge proponent of "have the wedding/honeymoon that you can afford" I would DEFINITELY not contribute to a honey moon fund!!

Are they all to cover the base cost of the honeymoon? I was under the impression at least some services are to pay for (for lack of a better word) upgrades to the vacation. Either way, I agree that people should have the wedding they can afford. I've known more than one couple who spent thousands of dollars on a wedding, and were depending on their registries to cover all the absolute basics for a new home, like plates and bedsheets. 

[nausicaa]

14 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

I think there's a place for the cake, punch, mints reception anywhere you go. It's not mandatory to have a big blow out just because Brides Magazine says you should.

However, when my sister had a cake punch mints reception, she only invited as many people as would fit into my parents' house ! She didn't expect them to stand in a parking lot in november!

I didn't mean to come off as anti-small reception, just that I don't think it's the same across the South.

I actually wouldn't be bothered at all to attend a small cake and punch reception at someone's home if I knew ahead of time to eat and there were enough room to sit comfortably.

(The Duggar's 50 degree parking lot cattle call on the other hand...)

[HarleyQuinn]

I would never imagine asking someone to foot the bill or even contribute for my honeymoon. They're not required and I think that should be up to the bride/groom to pay for themselves. The only talk of it at our wedding was when we did the garder (which I didn't even want to do but our DJ insisted on it) and people called that "for the honeymoon." 

I feel embarrassed enough that I got a toaster oven from our registry and have used it only a handful of times. 

[justmy2cents]

3 hours ago, alba said:

 

Three?! Who buys three gifts for one occasion?!

 

I'm guessing you register for 3 gifts to give your guests a choice, not because you should expect 3 gifts from every guest.

[Mela99]

21 minutes ago, justmy2cents said:

I'm guessing you register for 3 gifts to give your guests a choice, not because you should expect 3 gifts from every guest.

I think that was the idea but still.... Why would we register for 330 things that we didn't need? I think we had under 50 items on ours. We made sure to have a variety of prices for things and include small and inexpensive items - a handful of candles, coffee, kitchen towels and oven mitts and various small kitchen tools - but I refused to put anything on that list that wasn't a NEED or a reasonable want. Okay, maybe I didn't NEED the KitchenAid or the breadmaker, but I use both of them all the time.  I think the only things I would say we needed were an actual set of dishes and some bakeware and pyrex that wasn't from the 1960's or rusted to all hell. 

I don't have an easy time asking for things and I would have felt like the world's biggest ass if I had a list with 300+ items...

[OldFadedStar]

I know when I got married, I had some people get me like 5-6 of the smaller things on my list. They only spent like 30-40 dollars on the gifts but maybe something like that is where the thought of 3 gifts per guest? 

So that way a guest isnt stuck between buying a $200 mixer or giving nothing.

[alba]

I'm guessing you register for 3 gifts to give your guests a choice, not because you should expect 3 gifts from every guest.

Ooh, okay, that makes more sense

That being said, I would still think one gift per guest would be plenty, as some people will choose something that's not on the registry, some will give money (at least, here money isn't uncommon), and some won't be in the kind of financial circumstances to get a gift at all.

[Four is Enough]

I would think of a range of differently priced gifts would help everyone choose something within their budget. It would still be difficult for me to choose a wide range of things. When Mr. Four and I got married, we'd both had a home of our own. We really didn't need much. So we did one of those, "your presence is present enough" and we still got gifts. When we got money for a gift, we pooled it, and on our honeymoon in Bermuda, bought ourselves some gorgeous china. We told our friends that on the thank you cards, too. But we sure as hell didn't ask for money!

[drunk fundies]

I always thought you registered for 3 gifts per guest because most weddings I go to, they'll tend to have smaller things on there maybe like a salad bowl and or a throw pillow and I feel kinda weird just getting them that, so I add a couple other smaller things to it, or if you go to the shower you can grab a few smaller gifts and then go for a big one at the ceremony. I dunno, I like having options but I also like when the couple doesn't go overboard and a poor college student can't afford a single thing on the registry. 

[Ralar]

3 hours ago, alba said:

 

I wouldn't mind contributing to a honeymoon fund or getting something off a honeymoon registry AS a gift, as I'm a firm believer in getting people gifts they'll appreciate, and if that's a gondola trip on their Venetian honeymoon instead of a dining set I'm not bothered. But I think it's harder to do that as a couple compared to an ordinary registry, as many people prefer to get something physical and persistent and perceive monetary gifts (which a honeymoon registry where you pay for a gondola ride or meal at a fancy restaurant essentially is) as uncouth.

 

My family and friends (upper middle class to 1%-ers)  generally give money for wedding gifts. When I got married to my now ex-husband, we received 4 or 5 gifts from our registry. The remainder of the gifts were cash, the wedding (my parents) and honeymoon (his parents).

[devoutjedi]

My side typically gives money. The "honeymoon fund" was just an easy way to manage monetary gifts. We did register for physical gifts (amazon & bed bath and beyond) because my MIL's friends kept asking us. We were planning on moving out of state nearly immediately after the wedding and everyone knew our plans so most people gave us money.  

[season of life]

In our culture, you get cash. No wedding registry, but you can definitely get one. I think registries are a good idea, but I would choose affordable items to put on the registry. No expensive crap you honestly don't need. I stumbled upon this couple's baby registry and there are so many pricey high-end items on there. They  have around 100 items on there. Nuts.

[nastyhobbitses]

4 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

It depends a lot on the Bride and Groom too I think. Some couples would throw a temper tantrum if a guest dared to even sneeze during the first dance, let alone leave a bit early. Almost everytime the subject of a former friend's wedding came up, she would find a way to bash her sister-in-law (a Bridesmaid) for leaving soon after formal photos were done.... Despite the fact that she had a cranky barely one year-old son being watched by a babysitter she didn't know (hired by Bride and Groom) in another part of the venue after he had a meltdown when he got to the altar. She took him back to their hotel room so he could sleep - which makes sense considering the ceremony didn't start until after 7:00. One of the many ridiculous moments she had regarding her wedding to be honest.

Husband and I, on the other hand, had no issues with one couple being a no show day off (they texted their apologies ahead of the ceremony) and a few guests needing to leave before the cake cutting. We were just happy the guests who made it were able to be there to celebrate with us and grateful that one couple thought to apologize ahead of time.

@KittikatzAs long as the guests are informed ahead of time about what to expect I don't see a big issue either with the actual style of the reception. If guests at Jill and Jessa's weddings knew they'd be in the parking lot eating only sugary snacks after the ceremony and they still chose to go, then that's on them not the couple.

If they didn't know what to expect that's a different story. I think any couple should try and let guests know ahead of time just for planning purposes - that way you know if you should eat a meal right before going or not.

You're much more patient than I would be about day-of no-shows. Though if the catered food were buffet-style rather than plated meals, I don't think I'd get hugely bothered, especially if it were an emergency, since it's not like one or two people would really affect buffet supply. But if my party included plated meals AND the day-of no-show was not due to an emergency AND they didn't call sufficiently ahead of time to cancel their meal, I'd be pissed.

[VelociRapture]

20 minutes ago, nastyhobbitses said:

You're much more patient than I would be about day-of no-shows. Though if the catered food were buffet-style rather than plated meals, I don't think I'd get hugely bothered, especially if it were an emergency, since it's not like one or two people would really affect buffet supply. But if my party included plated meals AND the day-of no-show was not due to an emergency AND they didn't call sufficiently ahead of time to cancel their meal, I'd be pissed.

Lol! It wasn't a big deal for us. We had a plated dinner - but about half the people we had invited RSVP'd no ahead of time, meaning we didn't hit the 100 person minimum (wound up closer to 80 people.) We were already paying for those extra meals, so two more wasn't a huge deal - the venue felt bad and cut us a deal on the price of hor d'oeuvres though, which was really nice of them (and we got to take home the no show couple's meals too.)

We also understood their reasoning. The husband had recently left my husband's firm and he would have felt really uncomfortable being there around the bosses. We had already swapped them to another table, but they didn't know that. They still sent a nice card and a thoughtful gift, which was really sweet of them to do.

[JesSky03]

We live in WI and we received mostly cash gifts the day of the wedding- which was incredibly handy to have on our honeymoon. We had two registries but didn't go crazy with them and most of that stuff was given to me at the bridal shower. One of the store's registry apparently kept glitching out and was not taking items off the registry so we ended up with like 5 cakepans. I don't even really like baking so I had to really fake the enthusiasm after opening like the 3rd one and sort of turn it into a running joke. 

[Karma]

When my BIL and SIL got married, they didn't gave a registry, but instead asked for money towards their honeymoon, including a note with that poem about toasters breaking after a year, but memories lasting a lifetime.  Problem is, they actually had very little in the way of eg kitchenware (literally two op shop plates), and for the first years of their marriage asked to borrow cake plates, saucepans, steak knives, etc from us whenever they had family dinners at their place.  You know, all that stuff we'd got as wedding presents.  We've given these things to them as birthday and Christmas gifts for 9 years now, and they're nearly set up.  

[montyollie]

On 2016-09-13 at 7:51 PM, Showtunesgirl said:

Duggar logic of course.

Speaking of, what exactly does Ben do all day to actually support his family?

http://www.duggarfamilyblog.com/2015/09/update-on-ben-seewalds-career.html

Apparently he works for Jim Bob.  Jeez.  Plus they have TLC income.

[CorruptionInc.]

8 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

Since I'm a huge proponent of "have the wedding/honeymoon that you can afford" I would DEFINITELY not contribute to a honey moon fund!! Of course, I buy the gift I can afford for the couple; I don't "pay for my own plate", either!

Agreed.

I may work full time, however, I am chronically ill, which means pretty much every single spare cent goes on that. 

Seriously, one of the gifts on the registry was an $800 AUD barbeque.

Buy your own f-ing BBQ if you want one, god damn it!!!

(We've been using two second hand BBQ's for years, they do fine)...

[Georgiana]

I'm OK with honeymoon funds.  

The truth is, it's more and more common that by the time a couple is married, they aren't "starting out" anymore.  They may already have most, if not all, of the "stuff" they need for their homes.  Several of my friends' weddings have specifically requested no gifts, and asked guests to contribute to a honeymoon/house fund for the couple if they REALLY felt the need.  

I've owned a house for 5 years now, and it's not just sitting empty waiting for a diamond ring.  The only things left that I would ask for are either really expensive like dining/living room sets or like a few minor things that would never make up an entire registry.  And I know I would have a lot of guests that INSIST on giving gifts because they are wonderfully kind people.  

Funds can be a great way to bridge the gap between guests who want to give and a couple who already has what they need.