Lori Alexander, 11: No Junk in Her Trunk Because She's Godly

[slp]

Ok, that thing about the ice cream cones is the stupidest thing I ever heard.  I am nearly 40.  My mother's parents were born in 1909 and 1917.  When I was a kid, they were in their 60s and 70s.    They ate ice cream cones, went to the county fair and went on all the rides and did all kinds of 'fun' things that I'm guessing would be considered 'childish'.  And every kid I knew had grandparents that were older (60s and 70s etc) and they all did fun stuff like that.   

Our preacher at our church once quoted someone (can't remember who) that said "God, save me from these sour faced christians."  I totally agree. 

 

[AmazonGrace]

6 hours ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

 

There are so, so, so, so many sins according to Lori it would be easier to do a "Not a sin" list,   I'll start the list  -- it has only 1 item:

Do everything **exactly** like Lori says, For she is a godly older woman mentor and she, and she alone, knows what God says and wants us to do.

 

 

 

 

With one exception: Lori blogs and she's an invaluable mentor. If other people blog it's a sin because it's taking precious time that they could better use cleaning their ceiling or lubricating their husband or something. 

[IrishCarrie]

Are these women so pathetically insecure and unhappy that the only way they have to feel good about themselves is by putting down people who look happy or like they're having fun??

i just re-read that sentence...the answer is obvious and it's actually totally deflated the rant I was about to go on 

As my darling mama used say "More to be pitied than blamed..."

[polecat]

8 hours ago, RosyDaisy said:

My husband is an EMT. Bodily functions don't bother him. However, the feline headship can literally clear a room with his silent, deadly farts.

 

I have a brother-in-law who is a paramedic and also emetophobic. I have no idea how that even works. 

I also used to have two cats who could clear rooms with their gas, but it turned out they had food sensitivities. Once we got that cleared up, their terrible intestinal issues also cleared up (they also had profuse diarrhea -- the gas alone wasn't really that big of an issue other than gross).

[BullyJBG]

It's almost funny. Yesterday after going swimming, I went back to my car, found my water bottle, drank a few guzzles, and within a minute I burped. It was WATER! Not pop, not any burp-able food, just the most natural drink there was. And I wondered what Lori would say; that I drank too fast? My parody of REM's Everybody Hurts may take a different spin; I always wanted to do one with all the bodily functions. I'm so glad I don't know Lori personally.

   Now that cats have been brought up, is it a sin in Lori's eyes to have a pet?

[polecat]

1 hour ago, BullyJBG said:

It's almost funny. Yesterday after going swimming, I went back to my car, found my water bottle, drank a few guzzles, and within a minute I burped. It was WATER! Not pop, not any burp-able food, just the most natural drink there was. And I wondered what Lori would say; that I drank too fast? My parody of REM's Everybody Hurts may take a different spin; I always wanted to do one with all the bodily functions. I'm so glad I don't know Lori personally.

   Now that cats have been brought up, is it a sin in Lori's eyes to have a pet?

1

I'm going to say probably not -- but only if you regularly kick it to keep it in line (Lori has a cat that she kicks, so I'm basing my answer on that). 

[IntrinsicallyDisordered]

She kicks her cat?!?  If I weren't already convinced she was evil, I would be now.  She's just plain mean.  And increasingly creepy.  I may vomit the next time I hear the word "discreet".  

[Chocolatedefrauded]

12 hours ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

More sins a la Lori.

Not be totally submissive = sin
Not respecting your hushand, no matter what he does, even if he's an abusive doosh and a jerk = sin
Not homeschooling = sin
Using birth control = sin
Working mothers/wives = sin
Not having eleventy children (unless you're Lori) = sin
Enjoying sex = sin
Showing skin (unless you're Lori of the plunging necklines) = sin
Not beating your children as discipline = sin
Spending time on the internet, unless your'e godly older woman mentor blogger Lori = sin
Being loud = prostitute = sin

There are so, so, so, so many sins according to Lori it would be easier to do a "Not a sin" list,   I'll start the list  -- it has only 1 item:

Do everything **exactly** like Lori says, For she is a godly older woman mentor and she, and she alone, knows what God says and wants us to do.

 

 

 

 

Wow, I have done almost every one of these "sins!" I work, have one kid only, slept with several men before marriage, don't homeschool & ask my husband to help clean & cook. And we have tickets to NYC Comic Con next weekend. Maybe I should walk around burning & farting at Comic Con in Lori's honor.

her life must have no joy. 

[IntrinsicallyDisordered]

Seems like a good time to share one of my all time favorite quotes.

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

― C.S. Lewis

He's a man, a Christian, but he's saying something Lori would disagree with, so I'm going to say it's a sentiment chock full of sin.  

Have fun at Comic Con, @Chocolatedefrauded!  

[AmazonGrace]

He can be forgiven for reading fairytales instead of Lori's blog because he died before the blog became available and as a male it is not intended for him anyway

[Koala]

3 hours ago, IntrinsicallyDisordered said:

She kicks her cat?!?  If I weren't already convinced she was evil, I would be now.  She's just plain mean.  And increasingly creepy.  I may vomit the next time I hear the word "discreet".  

Lori Alexander:

Quote

One early morning, I came downstairs and my cat was nipping at my feet. This wasn't a good cat. Actually, he was a mean cat so I went to kick him so he'd stop biting me. Well, he ran away and I kicked the wall instead. Oh, I was in pain. 

http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2013/01/ice-dipping-for-pain.html

[smittykins]

6 hours ago, BullyJBG said:

It's almost funny. Yesterday after going swimming, I went back to my car, found my water bottle, drank a few guzzles, and within a minute I burped. It was WATER! Not pop, not any burp-able food, just the most natural drink there was. And I wondered what Lori would say; that I drank too fast? My parody of REM's Everybody Hurts may take a different spin; I always wanted to do one with all the bodily functions. I'm so glad I don't know Lori personally.

   Now that cats have been brought up, is it a sin in Lori's eyes to have a pet?

Right now, I'm reimagining "Everybody Poops" as "Everybody Toots."

(Any of our in-house lyricists want to take a shot at it?)

 

[older than allosaurs]

21 hours ago, GeoBQn said:

My husband is one of those shorts-wearing, graphic tee-sporting, comic book lovers in his thirties.  He also works full time as an electrical engineer (at an office where he wears long pants and polo shirts), pays all of his bills on time, helps his family, and is a kind and morally upstanding person.  I think one of these sets of characteristics is a more important indicator of "acting like an adult" than the other.

I'm in my mid-60s and only recently, with regret, passed on my beloved "This shit writes itself" Shakespeare portrait t-shirt. I would have kept it if the color had suited me better.

 

 

[polecat]

1 hour ago, Koala said:

One early morning, I came downstairs and my cat was nipping at my feet. This wasn't a good cat. Actually, he was a mean cat so I went to kick him so he'd stop biting me. Well, he ran away and I kicked the wall instead. Oh, I was in pain. 

 

I actually think this was a VERY good cat. A SMART cat. He KNEW Lori Alexander was a fucking monster, and he tried to put her out of our misery. Sadly, he was attacked and kicked for his bravery, but at least she suffered for it anyway.

Good kitty. What a good, good kitty.

[Chocolatedefrauded]

3 hours ago, IntrinsicallyDisordered said:

Have fun at Comic Con, @Chocolatedefrauded!  

Thanks. My kid drags me to lots of stuff I wouldn't normally be attracted to but I love it. Being exposed to new & different things makes life fun & interesting. I do have to study superheroes this week before we go, but at least she dropped the quiz requirement....

lori lives in a box, a boring, judgemental box with no air.

[lilwriter85]

Lori lives in a San Diego suburb. I wouldn't be surprised if she does some anti-Comic Con post next year to get applause from her fangirls.

[feministxtian]

10 hours ago, polecat said:

I have a brother-in-law who is a paramedic and also emetophobic. I have no idea how that even works. 

I also used to have two cats who could clear rooms with their gas, but it turned out they had food sensitivities. Once we got that cleared up, their terrible intestinal issues also cleared up (they also had profuse diarrhea -- the gas alone wasn't really that big of an issue other than gross).

I have yet to smell a nasty cat fart from my dynamic duo...I mean, I know they fart...everything farts...but...either they do that somewhere other than on top of us or aren't that gaseous. My male cat has burped and scared himself a few times...and my female sneezes and scares the shit out of herself. But...no room clearing farts from the dynamic duo. 

[polecat]

2 hours ago, feministxtian said:

I have yet to smell a nasty cat fart from my dynamic duo...I mean, I know they fart...everything farts...but...either they do that somewhere other than on top of us or aren't that gaseous. My male cat has burped and scared himself a few times...and my female sneezes and scares the shit out of herself. But...no room clearing farts from the dynamic duo. 

 

Be thankful. Cat gas is unlike anything on heaven or earth.

We cat sat for a friend of ours once, and that cat actually had the audacity to get up on Mr. Polecat's lap and let one rip, and we nearly choked to death. And because it was an elderly cat, he couldn't really just toss the cat off his lap and run, so he had to sit there and fester under the heavy, smoldering, festering HEAT of it. 

I ran and left him there. 

Because that's true love. 

Suck on THAT, Lori.

[lilwriter85]

I just saw today's posting another bash post of divorced couples.

[feministxtian]

I think that's funny as shit...My parents were married 35 years, until my father died. I went to Catholic schools K-12. At best I'm a liberal Christian...and rarely set foot inside a church...

Lori...your hypothesis SUCKS

[alba]

Seems like a good time to share one of my all time favorite quotes.

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”


― C.S. Lewis

He's a man, a Christian, but he's saying something Lori would disagree with, so I'm going to say it's a sentiment chock full of sin.  

Have fun at Comic Con, @Chocolatedefrauded!  

You know what's funny/sad? The only part of that quotation I recognise is "When I became a man I put away childish things", which has been, Lori-style, taken out of context to mean exactly the opposite of what Lewis intended.

[AmazonGrace]

1 hour ago, alba said:

 

You know what's funny/sad? The only part of that quotation I recognise is "When I became a man I put away childish things", which has been, Lori-style, taken out of context to mean exactly the opposite of what Lewis intended.

Probably you recognize it because it's from 1 Corinthians 13.  I think Lori was quoting the Bible and not CS. Lewis.

But of course your point stands and  she's taken it totally out of context...

 

Quote

 

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become assounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. 3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

 

This passage has NOTHING to do with whether adults should stop having fun at a certain age and all about how we should be charitable and have love in our hearts. (Other translations talk about love.)

 

And it's not such a great passage for a blogger who knows it all either.

 

[alba]

24 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Probably you recognize it because it's from 1 Corinthians 13.  I think Lori was quoting the Bible and not CS. Lewis.

But of course your point stands and  she's taken it totally out of context...

 

This passage has NOTHING to do with whether adults should stop having fun at a certain age and all about how we should be charitable and have love in our hearts. (Other translations talk about love.)

 

And it's not such a great passage for a blogger who knows it all either.

 

Ahhhh, thanks for the explanation. That explains why it seemed so familiar, though not why I've seen it so often out of context (every time I've read it in the past it seems to be part of an argument like Lori's sadly).

With regards to Lori's latest bit of drivel, I'd like to introduce her to my family (well, I wouldn't really want to foist her on them, but my sisters are far better at arguing than I am, so I would love to see them go toe-to-toe with Lori, with their evil feminist and lesbian ways). My parents have been married for 31 years and a family tragedy, and yet all four of their children turned out to be atheists. I did identify as Christian for a while, but I was just as feminist and liberal as I am now, and I got into an argument with a fundie online who told me I wasn't a True Christian (TM) because I didn't agree with proselytising, so I'm not sure Lori would see much difference between Christian Alba and Atheist Alba.

Of course, I lost my faith while at that hive of scum and villainy: University. And I did it in the most stereotypically student way possible: by having intellectual discussions with friends and questioning my beliefs. I bet Lori would have a lot to say about THAT.

[lilwriter85]

13 hours ago, feministxtian said:

I think that's funny as shit...My parents were married 35 years, until my father died. I went to Catholic schools K-12. At best I'm a liberal Christian...and rarely set foot inside a church...

Lori...your hypothesis SUCKS

My parents will be celebrating their 46th wedding anniversary next month. They took my siblings and I to Mass on Sunday, CCD, and youth groups. I'm agnostic now and only one of my siblings attends Mass every week.

I know a woman whose Jewish parents divorced when she was a small child. Years later, she became and her mother joined a non-denominational Christian church and this woman in more recent years has became very conservative.

[iheartchacos]

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Transformed-Wife-Lori-Alexander/dp/099816870X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475431148&sr=1-1&keywords=the+power+of+the+transformed+wife+by+lori+alexander

http://thetransformedwife.com/welcome-to-my-new-blog/