Lesbian Grows Hair Out and Marries a Guy-Emily Thomes

[Jasmar]

7 hours ago, louisa05 said:

She also posted this one recently: 

Because, you know, if your marriage isn't awful, you won't become a better person. 

Worst evangelical teaching ever. 

That sounds exactly like what I used to tell myself in my 20-year marriage to an emotionally abusive jerk. For whatever that's worth in this context (meaning, I hope she's truly okay).

[louisa05]

4 minutes ago, Jasmar said:

That sounds exactly like what I used to tell myself in my 20-year marriage to an emotionally abusive jerk. For whatever that's worth in this context (meaning, I hope she's truly okay).

Someone pointed out to her in the comments that this sort of message is dangerous as it can condone abuse. She started preaching about how marriage is a covenant and divorce is never allowed under any circumstance. Pretty gross conversation ensued. Including the tidbit that if you don't believe that among other things, you may think you are a Christian but you aren't. 

I want to feel bad for her situation as it seems like she may not be living her authentic self. But she is so damn self-righteous and preachy that she turns my stomach. There is no grace or mercy in her newfound theology. 

[Jasmar]

I wish I could point her in the direction of the very Reformed folks at cryingoutforjustice.com, who debunk that myth about divorce being unbiblical.

[louisa05]

13 minutes ago, Jasmar said:

I wish I could point her in the direction of the very Reformed folks at cryingoutforjustice.com, who debunk that myth about divorce being unbiblical.

Oh, but wonderful Ben wrote an explanation of why divorce is never, ever permissible. She offered to PM it to people. He is apparently the font of all Biblical wisdom. 

[NachosFlandersStyle]

I wonder what her friends think of this transition. I can't imagine they're still in contact after she's made her 15 minutes of fame by decrying her old life. 

[Rachel333]

But... biblically, divorce is acceptable. There are two valid reasons to divorce: after infidelity or after an unbelieving spouse leaves (the Christian can't leave the unbelieving spouse, from what I understand). Even very fundamentalist churches will still accept those divorces.

It has always bothered me that "abuse" is not a valid Biblical reason for divorce.

[Jasmar]

It is. The Cry for Justice website explains in fluent christianese, but some people don't want to be taught anything that contradicts their tidy worldview or challenges the so-called wisdom of their Senior Pastor.

[smittykins]

13 hours ago, Emme said:

One of her friends says there's no need to sleep with someone before you marry them because"if you're a man and a woman, you're compatible"... 

Translation:. You have sex when the man wants it.

@Jasmar, thank you for bringing up Crying Out For Justice.  Very interesting read.

[louisa05]

This amusese a not because every one of these argents was presented to her in the thread. Her afgent comes down, in the end, to y husband said so". 

So plenty of submission here as well just to make it all more frightening. I saw a strong independent intelligent woman give up her whole identity and turn into a submissive magpie capable of only saying " my husband said so" in real life once. It is a painful thing to watch.

[habert]

14 hours ago, ntonks said:

She also just posted that she miscarried this week.  I can't imagine the changes she's had to go through in such quick succession. 

I hope she isn't internalizing her miscarriage as a "consequence" of "sin", but I can only imagine that probably she is

[ntonks]

I don't disagree that she's pretty self-righteous and exhausting in her new zeal. This said, I feel sad for her. She looks (and seems) so young, and so ideologically bought into remaining in a marriage that I worry she is already doubting. I hope she's able to find peace - whether in this relationship or not. 

[habert]

15 minutes ago, ntonks said:

I don't disagree that she's pretty self-righteous and exhausting in her new zeal. This said, I feel sad for her. She looks (and seems) so young, and so ideologically bought into remaining in a marriage that I worry she is already doubting. I hope she's able to find peace - whether in this relationship or not. 

I think what we have here is a very young impressionable young woman who lives in a culture drenched in misogyny and homophobia, and she herself is struggling with internalized misogyny and homophobia. She probably felt unhappiness because of it, turned to drugs/partying/sex whatever to deal with it, and then ended up feeling guilty. This isn't unique to people living in Christian communities, but it sure as hell compounds the feelings.

She probably felt a huge amount of pressure from her family to "repent", to be accepted back into the fold. When you live in relative isolation (small town/southern america) and are without a lot of resources (college aged woman), your family is a large part of your social network and it's very tempting to do what's necessary to keep them apart of it for survival. 

Finding God, Repenting, Starting Your Journey, probably was very tempting for the following general reasons: a purpose in life/a path to follow (most young people are at that stage anyway), a way out of her "lifestyle" (ie: partying), a way to be accepted in her community, and probably more importantly, a justifiable reason to feel guilty (ie: "I have felt unhappy and guilty because I'm not following God's path! It all makes sense now" as opposed to being critical of her community and culture that creates misogyny and homophobia).

What's more is that it's probably more appealing to her, as opposed to maybe another young lesbian living in the same community, is that for whatever reason, she's the kind of person that the attention and her now social status of being "the ultimate repentant sinner who has found happiness in marriage and church", which can give you a kind of idol status in Christian communities, gives her more satisfaction than living more authentically and having sex/connection/relationship/romance/love with woman. She's probably herald as a True Christian Believer, which is why she's not hiding her "lesbian past", and she's getting off on it at this point in her life, hence the self righteous zealot identity. That's why she found someone to marry quick, it just keeps "proving" to her and everyone that this is the right path, that this is the live she wants, this is the life everyone wants, look at me as an example of repentant sinner now complete with drug free happiness and godly husband.

It's unfortunately not that unique of a story.

[habert]

I checked in on today to see how she was doing, and this was her status on Thursday 

 

"#ayearagotoday

"I did not choose to be attracted to girls. Do you think that I'm not attracted to them anymore? I am. I struggle with attraction and lust and all sorts of other unrelated sins. I didn't choose this anymore than the violent guy chooses to get angry too quickly or the drunk chooses to crave alcohol. What I do with that is the issue. I either cave to sin and ignore God or I fight the good fight, surrender my will to His daily, carry my cross, and live for Him. Please understand this."

..Because I just commented this and I think it needs to be understood. It seems I can come off as cold or indifferent or the latest 'holier than thou' because I don't bend on what God's word says. That doesn't mean I don't struggle too. That doesn't mean that I don't have hard days or that I don't still have sin in my flesh that has to be killed daily unto the Lord. Me struggling with sin doesn't make what I struggle with no longer sinful. Even when it calls for sacrifice, and genuine Christianity always does, His word is true.

Forgive me if I've led anyone to believe that I am not just as sinful and broken and in need of the words I type daily. I'm as adamant about His word as I am because I know my fallenness. I know my brokenness and my need to be reminded daily Whose I am. The Lord promises to walk with us in this life. He changes our hearts that we want Him and love Him first; the other things can creep up, and they do, but God is first. He saved me when I didn't deserve it. He showed me my sin for what it is and gave me mercy anyway. For those in Christ, we will still struggle. Some things will be like light switches, others like pushing a parked car. But because He's saved us, because we know how wicked our sin is and how undeserving we are of the mercy He's shown us, and because our hearts have been changed from stone to flesh, we will choose Him. Daily, hourly, by the minute, we choose Him and crucify our flesh in reverence to Him. He is worthy.

#repentANDbelieve #theGOSPEL"

[MakeitSew]

Imagine the misery you must live in, to have feelings, urges, instinct, whatever, and then identify those feelings as sinful and have to learn how to kill those feelings.

To live in perpetual awareness of being a sinful sinner who sins and to be obsessed with becoming a little less sinful day by day. To have every normal feeling be told is sinful. To have your personality, your unique characteristics, all that worn away and buried under the accepted Christian-esque exterior. It's no different than the baby who cries because that is the only way he knows how to communicate, and then is beat by his mother or father for crying and not being content, so he learns to not cry and to become a perfect little robot for the glory of his parents Jesus. 

[Howl]

3 hours ago, habert said:

Daily, hourly, by the minute, we choose Him and crucify our flesh in reverence to Him.

Oh dear.  Oh sh*t, oh dear.  I bet she and her husband have had some interesting conversations. Or, at least I hope they have.....

News of her miscarriage is very, very sad. 

This whole thing made me think of Ted Haggard, a major evangelical, traditional family kinda guy who was outed by a male prostitute who at some point recognized Ted Haggard as one of his clients - a client who who liked both sex and drugs.  Ted claims to not have swallowed or inhaled. Big scandal.  Hilarity ensued (not).  Apparently he also had a relationship with a young man at his church.  Ted takes a while away, gets (maybe real) counseling and comes back and founds a new church.  Interestingly, in a subsequent interview, he openly admitted that he is bisexual, although he says he's re-committed to his wife and monogamous heterosexual sex, which he claims to enjoy very much.  He's also supports only one man/one woman marriage.  Who knows if he's managed to stay faithful to his wife?  He's still married and is now  (according to his blog) a Free Methodist. 

However, when you are referencing crucifixion of the flesh, that's a whole different ball game and reveals a certain level of desperation and suffering.  Humans can be in a monogamous relationship and still develop big attractions and crushes on someone outside the primary relationship, and decide not to act on it, for many good reasons.  However, I don't think that is what Emily is talking about. At all.  Nope, not at all. 

Edited July 2, 2016 by Howl

[AmazonGrace]

So she is clearly a troubled individual.

 

But why does a man want a wife who really wants girls but is  gritting her teeth and forcing herself to submit to the man reluctantly because some book says so?

[Cleopatra7]

6 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

So she is clearly a troubled individual.

 

But why does a man want a wife who really wants girls but is  gritting her teeth and forcing herself to submit to the man reluctantly because some book says so?

Because he's self absorbed enough to think he can "cure" her? I really hope she's not being abused , because a situation like this is ripe for it.

[EmiGirl]

As a straught woman, I'm trying to put myself in the mindset of being forced by religion to be wother another woman. I honestly don't know if I could be happy under those circumstances. I'm close to many women, but I really can't see any situation under which I could be in a romantic relationship,  much less a sexual relationship with one. I think I would feel trapped and be miserable most of the time.

[ntonks]

 It's also struck me that she posts so often about not deserving the love, grace, etc. her husband shows her.  I can't imagine operating under the premise that you deserve condemnation or unkindness from your spouse, along with of course your god and yourself.  I really feel for Emily, insufferable as she is. 

[MyMilkshake]

On 4/30/2016 at 4:00 AM, paganbaby said:

I know a few people who entered into relationships with members of the opposite sex after a same-sex relationship ended. In one case, the same-sex partner died, and a few years later my friend married someone of the opposite sex. None of them talked of being ex-gay or having some kind of epiphany that changed their orientation. They identify as bi, or may just say they dislike labels. They don't pretend the new relationship invalidates the previous one. It's not a big deal for their friends either.  Frankly, I was more floored when my daughter, who identifies as queer, started wearing dresses and skirts after an adolescence and early adulthood spent shopping in the Boys' department. (But I got over it.)

Only fundies need to make this a big freaking deal. And, sadly, their new relationships often seem inauthentic. 

One of my friends always had girlfriends and when she ended up dating a guy for awhile we were surprised! I just always saw her as 100% lesbian. She's with a woman now, and even though she's also dated men she's usually more attracted to women. My take on it is that a person can have different degrees of attraction towards the different sexes and it shouldn't matter to anyone but that person.

That the girl that married after having girlfriends is treating her past like a terrible shameful thing doesn't bode too well for her future IMO.

 

[ntonks]

I've identified as a lesbian in the past, and been in relationships with women prior to my now-spouse's gender transition. I absolutely think sex, gender, sexuality, etc. are complex and individual, and that someone could end up loving, being attracted to, and marrying someone of a different sex or gender than usual. With Emily (and others like her), though, I worry that there'll never be a free choice - just "be with this type of person, or defy God forever."

Edited July 2, 2016 by ntonks

[Howl]

Spoiler

Uck. She's going to end up as a convention speaker at some point....

 

[Emme]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

So she is clearly a troubled individual.

 

But why does a man want a wife who really wants girls but is  gritting her teeth and forcing herself to submit to the man reluctantly because some book says so?

I always wonder if the men see it as a visible sign of their faith. Like, "look at how godly we are" type shit.  Some of what "good Christians" do is for display purposes, based on what I've read from Christian bloggers. 

[countingblessings]

My cousin whom ive known to be gay since we were kids came out a year or so ago. His family did not take it well and he moved out to live with his bf. Something happened though a couple of months later and he came home repenting and saying he didnt want to be gay anymore. His family said God made him straight. I was furious when i found out. You cant take the gay away.You are either openly attracted to the same sex or youre hiding it. Theres no magical disappearance of same sex attraction . If it took prayer to do it i  would have been made straight in elementary school when i spent nights awake asking god to take the feelings away.  You cant just stop being gay even if you become saved or marry the opposite sex. That will always be part of who you are,always.That being said I think its possible to be happy with the opposite sex if youre attracted to the same sex as long as theres a open understanding about it. 

I  started dating my husband when i was 16 and before that identified as lesbian.  As a kid i wore boy clothes and can remember my first crush being a girl in elementary school .It was rough growing up. Ill never forget confiding in my childhood friend when i was 10 and she told me it was gross and that i was going to hell. When my stepdad caught me holding hands with my bestfriend  he pulled me aside and said that shit didnt fly in the south and that someone could beat me up for it. In highschool my gf and i were often gotten onto for any type of public display even if it was just sitting too close together.  My best friend was dating my hubby and i was dating a girl from my english class. They broke up and he started dating a girl that rode the same bus as my girlfriend. We both stayed after school to see them off and we became best friends. We would spend all night and day talking .Eventually i realized i could probably spend the rest of my life with him and asked him out after calling it off with my gf. (My ex and i are still friends and shes happily engaged to a wonderful woman.) i never felt uncomfortable or creeped out being with my husband like i had when other boys hugged me or tried to be close. He was one of a kind for me.

Weve been together 10years on halloween this year. Were happy but he gets i will always have an attraction to girls.he doesnt try to take that away or pretend it doesnt exist.its just not a huge factor in our relationship.  We love each other and we stay true to that. As for sex, i cringe when people make that a focal point in a relationship. Its important for sure, but its not the end all be all. My husband never pressured me into anything even as a teen and still doesnt as an adult. I actually love the intimaticy of it. I dont identify as any certain way anymore because i get tired of being told my past isnt valid. I just love my husband and thats all there is to it. Hopefully for this woman thats the case for her and she didnt get married hoping it would take away the gay cause it definitely wont.

[NachosFlandersStyle]

Her message does not seem at all to be about finding happiness. Basically it's "this sucks a lot but if the bible says I should do it, I have to obey." Kind of a similar thought process to some of the trad Catholics we talk about-- "I'm poor and sick and I can't deal with all these kids and live in fear of having another one, but I guess that just means god has called me to suffer." Of course Emily would be horrified by that comparison, as she's rabidly anti-Catholic, but the "life is pain" attitude is sort of a common thread. In some ways I respect that kind of honesty and consistency more than the people who plaster on a smile and pretend that they're just deliriously happy contorting their lives to meet the arbitrary standards of an overbearing religious movement. But on the other hand, what a terrible way to live.