Me-ternity leave?

[Walking Cat Bed]

3 minutes ago, EyeQueue said:

Incidentally, the sabbaticals in the two industries I am familiar with (academia and the high-tech sector) are generally paid. I haven't even heard of other industries offering such a thing.

 

I know a woman (former coworker of an ex) who started her maternity leave as full time off and, by three months, was working from home half-time (half off). By six months? Working from home half time, in the office half time. But she (and ex) are in educational software design, and she lives close enough to her family that the baby spent work hours with grandma. And she was very lucky -- to have family around for childcare and to have a job where she could keep working and still have a job after her maternity leave ended.

 

I'm just about done with my first master's, and I've realized that women who don't have their PhDs are assumed to not take academia seriously. Even if they do. *Especially* if they try to schedule time off when there are classes to teach or meetings to attend. One took a research/writing sabbatical for this semester -- after having several years of teaching and researching and advising and and and. 

 

And, especially in academia, everyone talks about "self care" but if someone practices it, they don't take their career seriously. I got a good scolding about a month ago because I spent a good bit of Easter weekend relaxing and wasn't a week ahead on my capstone (thesis) project. Not a week ahead of anyone else, mind you (which I have been, consistently), but a week ahead of where I was. And because I refuse to pull an all-nighter. 

[nelliebelle1197]

3 hours ago, roddma said:

 No one said caring for a baby is easy, but my friend didn't choose to have MS. Flex leave should be for all. We need a plan to keep people from losing their jobs when caring for an older relative, a family member, including kids, with extended illnesses, or workers themselves with long-term health needs. Family care extends beyond birthing babies. Anyone who plans to have kids should plan way ahead.

P.S.. Babies need tot bond with dad, too.

You really confuse me and it has nothing to do with this post.

[BackseatMom]

This is divisive click bait. She could have written about how Americans need more vacation time, or how people should try to schedule work breaks every few years. Totally valid. But to make this into a whiney diatribe about the unfairness of maternity leave is ridiculous.

Having children isn't a self gratifying or selfish act - it is a fulfillment of a basic social contract. Its not for everyone, but if enough people decide not to in any given generation, it fucks our social systems (see Japan if you are confused). We used to understand this, and value the work of child raising as a social effort. Now, it is increasingly done in isolation, and treated like a resource intensive hobby. This drives up mental health problems, abuse and neglect, and substance abuse, among other things. 

As for whoever told you that pregnancy and child birth were easy - good for them, but that hasn't been my experience or that of anyone I know.

More importantly, why blame another group of people struggling under the same work culture and lack of leave for your problems? This is a systemic issues, and this kind of infighting takes the focus off of the real issues.

Now stop whining about special treatment and do what the lady in the article says at the end - realize that most of the pressure to "pick up the slack" comes from you. 

[roddma]

I think it is fair to talk about the divide between childless and parents. Not many people ever said birthing babies was easy, but like I said you CHOOSE to have kids. I don't think it's so much a disregard for raising kids  or disrespect for family as it is child rearing is no longer seen as the ultimate selfless human sacrifice that everyone must do.

Some of us will marry/and or have kids and others not. Some are single/childless by choice. It takes all kinds to make society work, I see the issue as a lack of respect for the individual in society. It also hurts LGTB.

Child-free people are constantly berated for their choices. In any case childess/ childfree Maternity leave seems outdated as it ASSUMES every woman wants  a child. It should be called something else.

Japan is  afar different society than America. 

[SilverBeach]

14 hours ago, Walking Cat Bed said:

I'm not at "war" with anyone. 

 

I do find it frustrating when women my age and younger (early 30s and younger) who don't have children are either assumed to just be waiting to get pregnant, or that we have time to come in early or stay late or cover others' shifts -- because we're the ones without children and our time is expendable. Adding an extra shift last-minute or coming in on a day off is "easy" for us, because we don't have to worry about childcare. And I find it frustrating to perpetually be in the "last hired, first fired" tier, because as a woman without children, it's not like I'm supporting myself or anything -- surely I have parents or a boyfriend/husband paying the bills. (I'm still one more graduate degree away from being valuable based on my own merit.) And, because it comes up occasionally, I'm not there to babysit. 

 

And, yes, that's more about management than my "peers" -- most of the time. There's always the one person in any office, though, that is on the same schedule as everyone else but always ducks out early (not On Time, *early*) because their kids have karate practice. But that's one person in any given workplace, not every parent. 

Mommy wars is just a phrase. Perhaps mommy skirmishes is a better term. There is definitely conflict.

I have been on both sides, a single working woman for a decade until my kid came along. Then, I was a single working mother. When I was not a parent, I wasn't bothered by stated or unstated expectations of me because I didn't have children, I would advocate for my needs, vacation wise, etc. No one could make me work to when I thought it was unfair. But I'm assertive like that.

And do you know every arrangement an employee has with the manager? I burned up every hour of leave because I took 15 minutes here, an hour there, to make it all work as best as possible. My childless friends accumulated use and lose and were out of the office more than me! So what? They should not have been minding my business and I should not have been minding theirs.

Americans are notoriously puritanical about work, leaving accrued leave on the table every year, and coming to work when sick infecting everyone else because heaven forbid they should use an hour of precious leave. I would argue that is everybody took what was coming to them, without feeling guilty or worrying about perceptions, we would not be having this discussion. Lack of availability of time off is a straw man in many cases.

Another thing: Call yourself whatever you want, but the term childfree is off-putting to me. It's like saying you are cancer free, disease free, or debt free, something like that. I have no pets, but I would not refer to myself as pet free, as though I am passing judgement on those who have pets as being undesirable.

I am going to make popcorn for the pileon, have at it!

[SilverBeach]

10 hours ago, roddma said:

I think it is fair to talk about the divide between childless and parents. Not many people ever said birthing babies was easy, but like I said you CHOOSE to have kids. I don't think it's so much a disregard for raising kids  or disrespect for family as it is child rearing is no longer seen as the ultimate selfless human sacrifice that everyone must do.

Some of us will marry/and or have kids and others not. Some are single/childless by choice. It takes all kinds to make society work, I see the issue as a lack of respect for the individual in society. It also hurts LGTB.

Child-free people are constantly berated for their choices. In any case childess/ childfree Maternity leave seems outdated as it ASSUMES every woman wants  a child. It should be called something else.

Japan is  afar different society than America. 

And a childless person chooses not to have kids, so what?

Who berates childless folks for their choices? Before any of us were mother's we were childless. I don't care if someone has children or not. Child rearing being the ultimate sacrifice, maybe not, but I'm going to call it like I see it. Childless folks, some of them, seem laser focused on mother's and what they might or might not be getting that's more than you. Please excuse the caps, but DIFFERENT IS NOT PREFERENTIAL. If you have more than one kid, or multiple pets, you know they are different and cannot be treated exactly the same.

I cannot but hear a bit of envy or something in the protestations of childless folks. Its like white folks crying reverse discrimination when they still have every advantage. Childless people have promotional advantage in the workplace because no matter how hard a parent, especially a woman, works, she is seen as less than dedicated if she makes any efforts to balance her responsibilities. Come on, you know this is true.

I'm getting wine now for the pileon. I only ask that you read all of what I wrote and respond accordingly, not to what you think I wrote.

I suppose I am a very live and let live person, to each their own, etc. It colors my perceptions about a lot of things. I need no external validation for my life choices, several of which are not within the so-called norms (I got married for the first time at 50). It's all good.

[Walking Cat Bed]

I didn't start an argument.

 

And responding to your posts isn't "piling on" -- even if I disagree with you. 

 

Several of us have discussed our frustration at being stuck between a rock and a hard place at work -- because as women, we have to work harder than male peers to be recognized, and as women without children, we're assumed to have time to stay late or come in early or give up weekends because we don't have the responsibility of children.

 

Everywhere I've worked -- several different places, including retail, office, and the military -- the low ranking people are expendable. Low ranking people with kids get a tiny bit more of a break -- if, for example, management needs someone to cover a shift last-minute, guess who's going to get more of a lecture about being a "team player" if they don't break existing plans. And not being a team player means that, when it's promotion time, you're not on the list. And performance awards don't go to the lower-tier employees who don't take extra duties.

 

Another few years, I'll have enough education and experience that I won't automatically be at the bottom. But I'll be thirty five. I've had to fight for a specific weekend off or for the time to take a (short, inexpensive) vacation. I'm responding based on my experiences. 

[roddma]

Iam only going to say one more thing here. Calling childless people envious is s slap in the face to infertile as well as LGTB.,BTW (CHild-free is different than childless.) Having kids isn't special. Yes SOME parents are always knocking childless childfree folsk.They jnever ocnsider anhyone's situaiton. The FUndies snarked in here are an example

[SilverBeach]

3 hours ago, Walking Cat Bed said:

I didn't start an argument.

 

And responding to your posts isn't "piling on" -- even if I disagree with you. 

 

Several of us have discussed our frustration at being stuck between a rock and a hard place at work -- because as women, we have to work harder than male peers to be recognized, and as women without children, we're assumed to have time to stay late or come in early or give up weekends because we don't have the responsibility of children.

 

Everywhere I've worked -- several different places, including retail, office, and the military -- the low ranking people are expendable. Low ranking people with kids get a tiny bit more of a break -- if, for example, management needs someone to cover a shift last-minute, guess who's going to get more of a lecture about being a "team player" if they don't break existing plans. And not being a team player means that, when it's promotion time, you're not on the list. And performance awards don't go to the lower-tier employees who don't take extra duties.

 

Another few years, I'll have enough education and experience that I won't automatically be at the bottom. But I'll be thirty five. I've had to fight for a specific weekend off or for the time to take a (short, inexpensive) vacation. I'm responding based on my experiences. 

Not arguing either. And a whole lots of posts disagreeing is piling on, not just yours and I was not just addressing you but I appear to be in the minority.

Like you, my posts reflect my opinions and life experiences. Like yours, my opinions and life experiences are neither right nor wrong, they just are.

Lest I appear to be arguing, I'll stop here.

I agree that in many cases we have to work harder as women to get the same opportunities as men. I agree that higher ranking people get advantages that others don't. I have never been higher ranked, so never received such benefits personally.

I'll say it again, if assumptions are made about your availability because you don't have children, take responsibility for correcting those assumptions. If you think it will hurt your career to do so, then that is a choice you make. 

8 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

Not arguing either. And a whole lots of posts disagreeing is piling on, not just yours and I was not just addressing you but I appear to be in the minority.

Like you, my posts reflect my opinions and life experiences. Like yours, my opinions and life experiences are neither right nor wrong, they just are.

Lest I appear to be arguing, I'll stop here.

I agree that in many cases we have to work harder as women to get the same opportunities as men. I agree that higher ranking people get advantages that others don't. I have never been higher ranked, so never received such benefits personally.

I'll say it again, if assumptions are made about your availability because you don't have children, take responsibility for correcting those assumptions. If you think it will hurt your career to do so, then that is a choice you make. Just like those who know that having children will hurt their careers. 

 

[SilverBeach]

31 minutes ago, roddma said:

Iam only going to say one more thing here. Calling childless people envious is s slap in the face to infertile as well as LGTB.,BTW (CHild-free is different than childless.) Having kids isn't special. Yes SOME parents are always knocking childless childfree folsk.They jnever ocnsider anhyone's situaiton. The FUndies snarked in here are an example

Wow, I hit a nerve. I knew it was coming. Read again. The scope of my posts are limited to comments made on this thread. I was not addressing every. single. childless person.

Not having kids isn't special either. If it is wrong for to knock those  without children, its just as wrong to knock those with them. I perceive your post as a knock.

I am as far from fundy as you can get. Show me where I ever knocked someone for not having children whether they wanted them or not.

People who knock the childless are assholes. The reverse is true also. 

I see no difference between childfree and childless, neither have children but childfree seems pejorative to me. It's a slap in the face to those of us who are not child free, like somehow being child free is a preferred state.

Words do have meaning and childless/childfree women do not have a right to disregard the feelings of women with children. It's a two way street.

[SilverBeach]

I see the term childfree as a microagression. Again, call yourself whatever you want, just dont be surprised that its not received well by all.

Interestingly, I was an unmarried single mother, professional and educated. Yet, I felt that in the workplace, school system, and other institutional settings, I was definitely second or third behind married couples, who were definitely the preferred group 30 years ago.

Just like we are not in a post racial society,apparently we are not in a post marital status or family status society either. Everybody still carries stereotypes toward everybody else. Animosity too. Sad.

[usedtobenice]

I am childFREE. I have never wanted kids, and have never once doubted my decision. I am not childless. That makes it sound like I want kids and somehow couldn't. That opens you up to a lot more questions, like "are you sure?" It sounds a lot more wishy washy. Therefore, I am happily childFREE.

[EyeQueue]

8 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

I see the term childfree as a microagression. Again, call yourself whatever you want, just dont be surprised that its not received well by all.

Interestingly, I was an unmarried single mother, professional and educated. Yet, I felt that in the workplace, school system, and other institutional settings, I was definitely second or third behind married couples, who were definitely the preferred group 30 years ago.

Just like we are not in a post racial society,apparently we are not in a post marital status or family status society either. Everybody still carries stereotypes toward everybody else. Animosity too. Sad.

This is sadly true. Even in my uber-liberal area, I get raised eyebrows when I introduce the man I've been with for 14 years as "my partner." People sometimes immediately want to know why we're not married, when we're planning on getting married, etc. etc.

And raised eyebrows when people learn that I have been previously divorced and that my partner is not my daughter's bio Dad.

"Oh, I thought your daughter was *yours* and not that you're a step-dad."

Um...she is *his* and he's spent a Hell of a lot more time raising her and being a role model to her than the man who contributed genetic material. But in society's view, the genetic contributor is *more* her Dad than my partner. smh

I would say, though, that I'm sure there are people who are either trying to have kids or who do not plan to have kids who might consider the label "childless" a microaggression toward them. So I don't know if there's any comfortable way to label or talk about those choices without pissing someone, somewhere, off.

[Maggie Mae]

This is the first time I've heard a person who isn't childfree be offended by the term. Seriously. I've heard a lot of childfree people be offended when someone calls them childless, but never the other way. 

I think this article spells it out pretty well. 

https://rewire.news/article/2014/05/08/childless-childfree-difference-matters/

I am childfree for now; I'm inclined to not want children. I don't like the assumption by people that I'm just waiting for the right person, that I'm infertile (and that it's any of their business if I am), or that I'm desperately wanting them and it's just not the right time.

[SilverBeach]

21 hours ago, EyeQueue said:

I don't think anyone here has said we want to roll it back to the 50s and have women leave the workforce. I'm not sure where you got that impression.

I posted the link to this article because this issue has come up with several people I know--people who don't intend to have children ever, and who feel some inequality in the workforce. Not just in relation to maternity leave, but in relation to some of the other issues other commenters here have brought up.

I think Ms. Foye chose an unfortunate name for her concept that does pit parents against non-parents, which is not what I want to see, nor does it seem like that's what other commenters here want to see.

Like @Walking Cat Bed acknowledges above, there's a not insignificant swathe of women and men--and this number might be increasing--who have no plans to have children, and that's fine. So, are there ways the workplace can accommodate similar needs in what seems like possibly an imbalance in the way the current system is set up?

And sometimes it's not so easy as to just go out and find a new job. Jobs are pretty hard to find right now, I think. I'm fortunate to not have had to deal with that issue since just after the recession hit, but there are probably those who are locked into jobs who don't have the luxury to just quit and find something else.

Incidentally, the sabbaticals in the two industries I am familiar with (academia and the high-tech sector) are generally paid. I haven't even heard of other industries offering such a thing.

It does appear to me that women making it hostile for mothers in the workplace would be happier if those women would go away since they are treated so much 'better".

What is the imbalance? There are benefits offered by my employer that I don't use or need but someone else surely does. Married people get preferential treatment under social security, and I cannot avail myself of such treatment. 

It is totally wrong to think that maternity leave is a special benefit. In the US federal government, if you haven't banked your own leave then you won't get paid when you are off. There is no need for a woman in the Federal service to think that an expectant mother is getting something she can't. If a person is burned out, leave can be taken pretty much whenever.

Perhaps the Federal system is not typical. I was in the private sector when I did not have a child, so I cannot compare. 

5 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

This is the first time I've heard a person who isn't childfree be offended by the term. Seriously. I've heard a lot of childfree people be offended when someone calls them childless, but never the other way. 

I think this article spells it out pretty well. 

https://rewire.news/article/2014/05/08/childless-childfree-difference-matters/

I am childfree for now; I'm inclined to not want children. I don't like the assumption by people that I'm just waiting for the right person, that I'm infertile (and that it's any of their business if I am), or that I'm desperately wanting them and it's just not the right time.

I'm unique like that! There is always a different perspective.

See, I do not understand why anybody would make any assumptions about you or anybody else's reproductive status or choices. It's nobody's business.

Childless is just a descriptor, the person has no children, not a judgement when I use it. 

[Maggie Mae]

19 hours ago, BackseatMom said:

Having children isn't a self gratifying or selfish act - it is a fulfillment of a basic social contract. Its not for everyone, but if enough people decide not to in any given generation, it fucks our social systems (see Japan if you are confused). We used to understand this, and value the work of child raising as a social effort. Now, it is increasingly done in isolation, and treated like a resource intensive hobby. This drives up mental health problems, abuse and neglect, and substance abuse, among other things. 

More importantly, why blame another group of people struggling under the same work culture and lack of leave for your problems? This is a systemic issues, and this kind of infighting takes the focus off of the real issues.

Now stop whining about special treatment and do what the lady in the article says at the end - realize that most of the pressure to "pick up the slack" comes from you. 

I think having children is an inherently selfish act. People have kids because they want to have children. (And that's the way it should be!)

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. We need the next generation to survive as a species. But the fact is that most people who have children have them because they want children. If they didn't want children and had them anyway, then we feel pity or ask "why." You said it yourself, it's treated like a hobby. Maybe if we didn't treat it as an individual hobby, people would be more willing to work flex schedules. 

Oh, and how do you know that most of the pressure comes from me? Do you know my life? Who the fuck are you to tell me where the pressure does and doesn't come from? 

[SilverBeach]

That article doesn't hold true for me. I have never given a damn whether someone wants children or not. Why would this matter to me or anybody else? How can I know that? All I know is that they do or don't have children.

I hold to my point that childfree is like saying disease free, and who the hell wants a disease? 

[snarkykitty]

Back in the dark ages (15 years ago) when I was still working, my company still offered 3-month Sabbaticals after 7 years of employment at certain levels. Of course, I got sick and had to stop working, not too far from that 7-year mark.

It certainly made me feel more loyalty - the fact that after years of my loyal work, they would reward me with time left all to myself. I am pretty sure that during the downturn in the economy they stopped offering them, but at the time, it was something amazing to look forward to - people who took them often traveled, some worked on books, and others took training courses to further themselves in their job/career. I recall that among certain departments or friend groups, people offered others the use of personal vacation homes for part of the time.

So the premise of "meternity" is not off at all.

[SilverBeach]

In the Federal service, a sabbatical is am extended approved absence (st least a month) with the express purpose of doing something different than ones regular job. It can be paid if you have enough leave to cover it. 

4 minutes ago, snarkykitty said:

Back in the dark ages (15 years ago) when I was still working, my company still offered 3-month Sabbaticals after 7 years of employment at certain levels. Of course, I got sick and had to stop working, not too far from that 7-year mark.

It certainly made me feel more loyalty - the fact that after years of my loyal work, they would reward me with time left all to myself. I am pretty sure that during the downturn in the economy they stopped offering them, but at the time, it was something amazing to look forward to - people who took them often traveled, some worked on books, and others took training courses to further themselves in their job/career. I recall that among certain departments or friend groups, people offered others the use of personal vacation homes for part of the time.

So the premise of "meternity" is not off at all.

Yeah, just subtract the baby from maternity and you have meternity. Except that maternity leave without a baby is not maternity leave. 

[EyeQueue]

The sabbaticals that I personally know of are sabbaticals that are offered in academia (if you're a tenured faculty member you usually get one year every 7 years--but that's usually used for study/research/writing).

Some high-tech companies in the 90s offered sabbaticals that were basically a year off compensated after they basically worked your ass off for the prior 6 years. I don't know if they offer these anymore, though, after the .com bust and the recession in 2008. For example, my ex-brother-in-law got a year off paid from Intel after working there for 6 years.

[SilverBeach]

19 hours ago, BackseatMom said:

This is divisive click bait. She could have written about how Americans need more vacation time, or how people should try to schedule work breaks every few years. Totally valid. But to make this into a whiney diatribe about the unfairness of maternity leave is ridiculous.

Having children isn't a self gratifying or selfish act - it is a fulfillment of a basic social contract. Its not for everyone, but if enough people decide not to in any given generation, it fucks our social systems (see Japan if you are confused). We used to understand this, and value the work of child raising as a social effort. Now, it is increasingly done in isolation, and treated like a resource intensive hobby. This drives up mental health problems, abuse and neglect, and substance abuse, among other things. 

As for whoever told you that pregnancy and child birth were easy - good for them, but that hasn't been my experience or that of anyone I know.

More importantly, why blame another group of people struggling under the same work culture and lack of leave for your problems? This is a systemic issues, and this kind of infighting takes the focus off of the real issues.

Now stop whining about special treatment and do what the lady in the article says at the end - realize that most of the pressure to "pick up the slack" comes from you. 

+1000. Well written and on point. Click bait is right, the author knew it would ignite a firestorm.

.

[meda]

Here's the thing. I've worked since I was 14. I'm several months from 40. I have worked almost 20 years full time plus, 12 moths a year in my field. I went to law school nights while working full time, I have more than pulled my weight, my co-workers weight, and occasionally my boss's weight I those year. I am very good at what I do, and my 5 month maternity leave was the first time in since undergrad That I was not working 40 plus hour weeks outside the home. If in the two years since I have returned to work from mat leave any of my colleagues are miffed that I have put in less "face time" at the office, or have chosen to attend a few fewer conferences or events, then you know what? Fuck them. I budget my time very carefully, I have a lot of accrued paid leave, and my productivity is better than many of my "child free" or close to retirement co workers. My clients are happy, my employer is happy, and any one who wants to bitch about the "special treatment" I get because I now use my contractual leave time if my kid is sick can kiss my ass.

i swear to god, I am a bi racial woman working with mostly men doing a controversial job, and I have never, ever, gotten so much shit for my life choices as I have in the past 3 years for simply getting pregnant and having a child. Are people so small minded and self absorbed that they are going to judge and bitch about everything a co worker who happens to be a parent does? It's not my problem that my co worker who is 10 years my junior only uses one week of his 3 weeks of leave time a year because he feels like he needs to prove himself by agreeing to extra work. He does need to prove himself. I don't. Because ive already paid those dues, I've earned my place, and the skill set I have is what is valued. Those are the perks of working my ass off in my 20's and early 30s and having a kid at 37. 

[polecat]

Maternity leave, for me, was medical leave. I had major abdominal surgery (as well as a serious health issue before giving birth that required bed rest), and none of that time was spent on ME but rather on not dying and then on recovering from surgery and childbirth. (eta: oh, never mind -- I suppose one could argue this is a self-imposed health issue. But by that note, we could argue that many health issues are self-imposed. But that probably would go over like a lead balloon).

My husband took two weeks of paternity leave using FMLA time to help me since, you know, I'd just had surgery. He used saved PTO days to get paid for it.

Yes, I do think that people -- everyone regardless of parenting status -- should get more vacation time and even periodic sabbaticals if at all possible, but calling it "me-ternity" leave and implying that maternity leave is special treatment for mothers or parents when it is actually a medical issue just annoys me. There's an implication of preferential treatment for parents.

Perhaps in some workplaces, there IS. And that does need to be addressed. But in my workplace, paid time off was earned. So if you didn't have PTO days or vacation saved up, your FMLA was unpaid. Too bad, so sad. Vacation went by seniority. If the single older playboy was senior, he got his pick of days off. The last-hired mom or dad with 14 kids and counting had to go to the back of the line when choosing. And that's how it should be, imo. 

 

I don't want to go back to the days where women gave birth and had to go right back to work. Or where they had to quit entirely because otherwise there was no way to juggle baby and job. I feel like making this a parent vs. nonparent issue is unfair and unjust. We need to all be treated fairly. And that means we all need ample time off to deal with health issues as well as ample time off for R&R. Regardless, a little kindness and consideration would go so, so far.

 

[louisa05]

True story...

When my dad was in hospice, my brother got an email from his HR that he could not have FMLA to be there because if dad was in a car facility he was not needed to "do anything for him" and if he did not report back to work, he would be suspended without pay for 2-4 weeks. 

I am not kidding. 

He was distraught and did not want to leave. Hospice nurses had told us dad had 36 hours at most (ended up being about 18 from the time of that email). He called a friend with more seniority who told him to post on the job board that his child was also ill and it would be approved. His kid was 20 years old and perfectly fine. His friend said, yes, but they don't know how old the kid is. So he did that and  the threat of suspension disappeared. 

There is a serious problem in many companies with how leave is apportioned and how people are treated in relation to it. Even FMLA does not guarantee that leave will be allowed or jobs will be protected. I met so many people (all women) during my dad's illness, when I could not work because of the needs of my parents, who had been through similar situations and had to leave jobs because employers do not cooperate with people trying to meet the needs of elderly or ill parents. The assumption is made that agencies and home care groups and such are available and you are just not taking advantage of it. At the same time, everyone who has been through it notes that parents are allowed off routinely in most work settings to go to programs and school activities or anything else they desire. 

And here's the thing...parents should get that time. It is important. But employees with other obligations not related to children should not have to fight (as my brother did for three years for any FMLA time) to get time to meet those obligations. That is a serious inequity that exists in many, many workplaces. 

This article from 2011 talks about the issue of family caregiving and notes the problem of lost wages and how many people ultimately have to leave work entirely due to caregiving. 

http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/ppi/ltc/i51-caregiving.pdf

We need huge changes to work leave policies for people at all stages of life, but the conversation tends to only be about maternity leave. This woman could make an impact if she talked about it from all perspectives. But coming at it from a position of "you got time off with your baby, so I want time off to do nothing" is making things worse. 

 

[meda]

just a comment on FMLA leave based on @louisa05 's story about her brother, because it's sort of in my wheelhouse and employers often screw it up:  assuming in that situation he had enough hours and time at that employer to qualify for FMLA, then in the situation described he should have been granted the leave. While FMLA is far from adequate it does cover more than people realize, and employees should have a better understanding of their leave rights, how to request leave,  and how to enforce those rights. According to the Department of Labor, "Qualifying Conditions" are:

Qualifying conditions

(Q) When can an eligible employee use FMLA leave?

A covered employer must grant an eligible employee up to a total of 12 workweeks of unpaid, job-protected leave in a 12 month period for one or more of the following reasons:

for the birth of a son or daughter, and to bond with the newborn child;

for the placement with the employee of a child for adoption or foster care, and to bond with that child;

to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent – but not a parent “in-law”) with a serious health condition;

to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition; or

for qualifying exigencies arising out of the fact that the employee’s spouse, son, daughter, or parent is on covered active duty or call to covered active duty status as a member of the National Guard, Reserves, or Regular Armed Forces.

The FMLA also allows eligible employees to take up to 26 workweeks of unpaid, job-protected leave in a “single 12-month period” to care for a covered servicemember with a serious injury or illness.

 

A Serious Condition is defined as:

(Q) What is a serious health condition?

The most common serious health conditions that qualify for FMLA leave are:

conditions requiring an overnight stay in a hospital or other medical care facility;

conditions that incapacitate you or your family member (for example, unable to work or attend school) for more than three consecutive days and have ongoing medical treatment (either multiple appointments with a health care provider, or a single appointment and follow-up care such as prescription medication);

chronic conditions that cause occasional periods when you or your family member are incapacitated and require treatment by a health care provider at least twice a year; and

pregnancy (including prenatal medical appointments, incapacity due to morning sickness, and medically required bed rest).