Stories

[mango_fandango]

Religious weirdo scares people on a train by talking about death. I live near here. 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-41466140

[47of74]

A Wisconsin couple engaged in some back seat PDA cause Oktoberfest early Monday morning, which resulted in the cops getting called. 

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An officer responding to the call quickly located the vehicle. In addition to hearing moaning from the suspect car, the cop noted that the vehicle’s windows were fogged and that it was rocking.

The patrolman then discovered Bailey Puttkemery, 21, and Emily Scott, 20, having sex in the car’s backseat. The cop directed the naked couple to cease copulating and get dressed, as first reported by the La Crosse Tribune.

But when five minutes passed and the duo had not emerged clothed from the vehicle, the officer opened the car door and found that Puttkemery and Scott had resumed having sex.

Puttkemery was not happy to be interrupted again. He allegedly accused the officer of cockblocking him and tried to shut the car door in the cop’s face.

That's almost Florida level of PDA there. 

[47of74]

A very drunk time traveler wound up in Wyoming

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Casper Police officers say at around 10:30pm on Monday, October 2nd, they were dispatched to a residence on East 2nd Street, for a man who was stating he was from the future and he was there to help people.

They found Bryant Johnson who claimed he was from the year 2048, and was trying to warn the people of Casper that aliens were coming next year, and they should leave as soon as possible.

He added that he wanted to speak to the president of the town.

Johnson told police the only way he was able to time travel was to have aliens fill his body with alcohol and have him stand on a giant pad which transported him to 2017, but he ended up in wrong year, and was supposed to be in 2018.

 

[47of74]

Oh, deer

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A dress shop owner is cleaning up after a frantic deer went on a rampage throughout the store.

The incident is the latest evidence of an exploding deer population on Staten Island.

The city is spending millions of dollars trying to control their numbers, even giving vasectomies to male deer.

"I really feel its out of control. I mean everywhere you go there are deer and you have to be extremely careful driving," store owner Margaret Cavuoto said.

Insert your own jokes here. 

[clueliss]

Man facing $14,000 court debt allegedly robbed Overland Park bank. The haul? $615

http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/crime/article176960616.html

 

I snort laughed at the headline last night.  

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A few minutes after the robbery, Cothern was spotted by an Overland Park police sergeant. Cothern ran, but was taken into custody after a foot chase.

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Bolding mine.  

Now having lived in the area, let me do some checking.

 the U.S. Bank at 9900 West 87th Street.  Yup - this bank is 2 minutes and .9 miles from the OPPD (north patrol) and 2.6 miles (with a strange indirect route) to the Lenexa Police station on the other side of the interstate).  

[47of74]

A Pennsylvania woman is in a spot of trouble with the law for damaging her husband down there...

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Today’s “Ow! My Balls!” dispatch come from Lititz, Pennsylvania, where a newlywed stands accused of leaving her husband with “puncture marks and scratch marks” on his genitals following a 1:45 AM confrontation inside the couple’s shower.

Abigail Geiger, 22, was booked Thursday on a misdemeanor assault charge in connection with the alleged September 19 attack on her husband David. The Geigers, married since February, are parents to a four-month-old daughter.

Responding to a report of a domestic disturbance involving “screaming and banging,” police arrived at the Geiger residence and encountered Abigail, who said she had argued in the shower with her husband(who was en route to the hospital).

As alleged in a probable cause affidavit, David “received puncture marks and scratch marks to his genitals” as a result of Abigail “grabbing his genitals in an effort to stop him from leaving the shower.”

What, was it bleeding? 

[47of74]

And now one Floyd May, 61, of Moline, Illinois brought a knife to a gun fight 

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On Oct. 8th, 2017, police were called to a hospital in Silvis, Ill. where the woman was being treated for an injury related to the incident. She told police that she was in her vehicle in the 4500 block of 27th St., which is behind SouthPark Mall, when the man forced his way into the car with a knife. She said the two struggled and she received a cut to her arm. 

The suspect then made her drive him to a location in the county. When they stopped, she was able to reach her firearm and the man fled on foot while she drove herself to the hospital for treatment of the injury on her arm.

Sorry.  I couldn't resist.  

[MarblesMom]

Off the scanner: "Fire is responding to xx block of xxxx for a cat stuck in a tree. RP is advising the cat is stuck in the tree and appears to be in distress."

Our tax dollars at work, folks.

[47of74]

Pennsylvania Man feels Florida Man is getting too much attention 

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 A man allegedly urinated on numerous clothes in an Exton Square Mall store recently, causing more than $1,000 in damage, according to police. 

West Whiteland Police said at about 11:45 a.m. Wednesday, Oct. 4, a man urinated on 19 articles of clothing at the Boscov's store in the Exton Square Mall.

How full was his bladder? 

[47of74]

Thong-Clad Driver Was Covered In Vaseline

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An Oklahoma motorist was covered in Vaseline and wearing only a thong bikini when a patrolman pulled over his vehicle for speeding, according to a court filing which notes that a porno magazine was atop the passenger seat.

After initiating a vehicle stop last Sunday afternoon in Enid, a Garfield County Sheriff's Office deputy approached the car and spotted "a nearly naked white male driver" behind the wheel.

The driver, John Wayne Kellerman, 54, “had a bikini thong covering his genitals” and had Vaseline “covering his hands, upper and lower body parts,” noted Deputy Darryl Beebe. The cop also reported observing an “opened jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty” and a “pornographic magazine in the passenger seat.”

 

[clueliss]

Man charged with stealing, accused of switching price tags on items at a Camden County Walmart

Naturally, this is Missouri.  

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The associate told police Brown paid for two toilet bowl plungers and a cat bowl, but the items in his cart were a 19-inch flat screen TV, a jump-start power pack for vehicle batteries and a bottle of shampoo. 

 

http://www.abc17news.com/news/man-charged-with-stealing-accused-of-switching-price-tags-on-items-at-a-camden-county-walmart/644445839

[47of74]

Deer can't read road signs.

[Ali]

@47of74

Have you listened to this YouTube video yet? 

 

[47of74]

5 hours ago, Ali said:

@47of74

Have you listened to this YouTube video yet? 

 

@Ali Thanks for posting that.  Lol, yeah I had heard that one before tonight.  

I just thought of the old H.L. Mencken quote,

"No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby."

Well I think if he had seen stuff like this or who is in the White House now he'd say fornicate it, I was totally wrong. 

[mango_fandango]

Never forget how unbelievably dumb some people are.

[47of74]

Florida Man's cousin Wisconsin Man made the best of a bad situation.

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A 38-year-old Marshfield man who police say decided to buy beer but got locked inside a cooler is facing two citations for drinking the beer.

A manager at Kwik Trip, 101 N. Central Ave., Marshfield, reported at 6:13 a.m. Wednesday a 38-year-old man had been locked in a beer cooler all night and had drank beer while locked inside, according to a police report.

The man told police he went to Kwik Trip to buy beer and got locked inside the beer cooler when it was locked at about 11:50 p.m. Tuesday, according to the report. The man said he decided he might as well just stay inside the cooler and drink the beer, the report said. The cooler has a glass door and, if the man had knocked, employees would have heard him and let him out. 

He was in there all night, and got a retail theft citation for drinking the beer. 

[47of74]

Ooopsie.

https://twitter.com/i/moments/925108921357889536

[clueliss]

http://www.abc17news.com/news/update-suspect-in-custody-after-attempted-armed-robbery-at-osage-beach-mcdonalds/668008608

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Officers said McNally went through the drive-thru at the McDonalds, displayed a gun and demanded money from the clerk. The clerk closed the window and fled back into the store to call 911, police said.

Um, yeah because the drive through is totally the best place to hold up.  (and at Mcdonalds where they most  likely have cameras rolling).  Osage Beach - down at the Lake of the Ozarks.  

[47of74]

Criminal Claus is on Santa's naughty list

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An alleged burglar dubbed "Criminal Claus" didn't come down the chimney with a bound when he tried a Santa-like entry into a northern California business.

Turns out Jesse Berube, 32, tried to sneak into the business by sliding down the chimney, but he became lodged.

Officers and firefighters used special equipment to get Berube out of the chimney. Fortunately, he was not hurt.

He was arrested for burglary and even had his mugshot tarnished in ashes and soot.

When are people gonna learn that the chimney is not the ideal way to commit breaking and entering?

[Beermeet]

On 10/16/2017 at 6:42 PM, MarblesMom said:

Off the scanner: "Fire is responding to xx block of xxxx for a cat stuck in a tree. RP is advising the cat is stuck in the tree and appears to be in distress."

Our tax dollars at work, folks.

I'm jelly you have a scanner!  My grandparents had one and as a kid I loved listening!   A few years ago, on July 4th my friend got an app on his phone because we were lighting off mortars which are illegal here.  So, he planned ahead and got the scanning app; this way, we could know they were comimg and shut it down.   I took over listening duty and missed most of the fire works because I was happy being nosy!

I know I could get the app but, I don't trust myself to not listen All. The. Time. Hahahahaha!!!!

[47of74]

Because Florida man and woman can't have all the fun...

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Adolescent female monkeys in Japan have repeatedly engaged in sexual behaviors with sika deer, for reasons that are not yet clear, according to researchers who study macaque behavior.

The study, published in the peer-reviewed Archives of Sexual Behavior, follows up on a single report from earlier this year of a male macaque mounting a female sika deer on Yakushima Island.

That report was intriguing, but a co-author of the new study told The Guardian it was essentially anecdotal. "Even the sexual nature of this interaction was not clearly demonstrated," said Noëlle Gunst, a researcher at the University of Lethbridge in Canada. So she and her colleagues sought to nail down the nature of the mounting.

Looking at a different set of relationships — adolescent female monkeys and deer, particularly male deer, in Minoo, Japan — the researchers found interactions that definitely seemed to be sexual in nature. (The female monkeys were climbing onto the deer and grinding their genitals against the deer's backs. Yes, there's video.)

Get ready for the invasion of the Monkey-Deer.

[clueliss]

http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/crime/article190612939.html

So we have Missouri Man (Ozarks even), meth, women's clothing and a break in (oh and he's done this before).  (I'm also beginning to recognize and appreciate the name max londberg for these pieces.  

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Cross-dresser with meth breaks into Ozarks home (again) for ‘private acts,’ police say
BY MAX LONDBERG

 

A man broke into an Ozarks home in women’s clothing to “conduct personal private acts upon himself,” police said, and it wasn’t his first time.

Joshua Long, 37, wore makeup, a wig and women’s clothing Nov. 26 while breaking into an Ozark County home near the Arkansas border, according to court records.

Investigators found an unknown substance on the carpet and soiled toilet paper on the floors and in the toilet.

Numerous items were found in the handyman’s pickup that investigators believed were used in the commission of his “private acts.”

Investigators also found a small bag of methamphetamine in Long’s vehicle, police said. Long said he’d forgotten about the stash.

When asked about the women’s underwear and a women’s coat left in the home, Long admitted they were his and that he forgot to retrieve them.

He said he removed an air conditioner unit from a window to use it as “leverage during his private acts,” police said.

Long has been charged with second-degree burglary and possession of methamphetamine, both felonies that carry a maximum sentence of 10 years.

He pleaded not guilty, and his bond was set at $5,000, according to court records.

This isn’t Long’s first such run-in with the law.

The Baxter Bulletin reported Long pleaded guilty last month to breaking into an Arkansas home. A Gassville, Ark., couple returned home and found a man dressed in a wig and wearing “black women’s panties and a black bra with pink tassels, stumbling through their home,” according to The Bulletin.

Police found an iPhone registered to Long in the home.

Long’s wife contacted police to report her husband’s “suspicious behavior” three days before he broke into the Gassville home, according to The Bulletin.

Long’s wife said her husband had been acting “weird” and she had found sexual items around their home.

Among the items the wife said she found: teen deodorant, wigs, masks, women’s underwear and “sex aids too graphic to describe,” The Bulletin reported.

She also broke into his shop, which she described as a porn studio with mirrors, cameras and the sex aids.

A treehouse built for their children also contained porn and “sex aids,” the wife said.

Long was sentenced to five years of probation for the incident in Gassville, The Bulletin reported.

2

 

[47of74]

Meanwhile in Nebraska

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Approximately 60 pounds of high grade marijuana were found Tuesday, Dec. 19, during a traffic stop initiated by the York County Sheriff’s Department on Interstate 80 – and the elderly couple transporting it claimed they intended to give it away as Christmas gifts.

Taken into custody were Patrick Jiron, 80, and Barbara Jiron, 83.

Lt. Vrbka said the two elderly people indicated they were from Clearlake Oaks, Calif., and were headed for Vermont.

“They said the marijuana was for Christmas presents,” Lt. Vrbka noted.

 

[47of74]

An Erie woman got a $284 billion dollar electric bill;

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Mary Horomanski’s bill was more than the combined national debts of Hungary and South Africa.

Mary Horomanski went online earlier this month to check her electric bill.

The Erie woman was stunned to see that she owed Penelec, her electricity provider, more than $284 billion — an amount greater than the national debts of Hungary and South Africa combined.

“My eyes just about popped out of my head,” said Horomanski, 58. “We had put up Christmas lights and I wondered if we had put them up wrong.”

 

[47of74]

A couple people in South Carolina learned the hard way if you're going to dispute the amount due another person for sexual activities to not call the cops to mediate the dispute;

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As detailed in an incident report, a state trooper was flagged down at 1 AM Thursday by Kimberly Moore, 30, and Robert Sartor Jr., 65. Moore, who was standing with Sartor outside a Marathon gas station, told the trooper that Sartor “owed her money for prostitution.”

Moore later told Union County Sheriff’s Office deputies that she had earlier contacted Sartor and “asked him to come get her and get a hotel room.” Moore said that Sartor offered her $150, and that she “knew what the money was for.”

Sartor told deputies that he picked up Moore “because she was messaging him on Facebook,” and acknowledged that he “offered her $150,” was going to get a hotel room, and “bought her some new clothes at the dollar store.” Sartor added that he went to a friend’s house with Moore, and that the duo showered together (though he did not touch her). Moore, a Greenville resident, said that Sartor tried to get into the shower with her, but she denied him entry.

Sartor told deputies that his wife “didn’t know about his extra activities that he goes out and does.” When busted, Sartor was wearing gym shorts without any underwear, which an investigator noted was common “when looking for a prostitute.”

And he also had a cock ring in his pocket.  I wonder if he moved up to South Carolina from a certain state to the south?

Then there was this woman up in Connecticut;

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Meet Nicole Hunter.

While waiting to be booked for causing a disturbance on Christmas Day, the 25-year-old Connecticut resident removed some cocaine from her pocket and attempted to snort the drug inside the local police department, cops allege.

After being transported to Ledyard’s police headquarters, Hunter--who was waiting to be searched--removed a bindle of cocaine from her pocket and sought to snort the white powder. Her attempt was unsuccessful, cops say.