Our Favorite Fundie Christmas Carols

[Gimme a Free RV]

 

"Let's make the rounds, with music sounds

Then we can say, 'Throw cares away!'"

Fundies are here; lo, how they cheer:

"Look what we've sold--stuff that was old."

 

Oh, how they grift, asking for gifts,

Telling their tale, making a sale.

Badly they sing, just for "cha-ching!"

Songs out of tune.  Hope they'll stop soon!

Merry, merry, merry, merry grifting!
Merry, merry, merry, merry grifting!

Give them some food, for their whole brood.

They'll give you back, one of their tracts.

Off, now they go, to the next show.

In their RV, all twenty-three.

 

CHA-CHINNNNG...CHA-CHINNNNNG!

 

 

 

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

Silent night, Zambian night.

Mommy's calm.  Dad's not bright.

Sleeping under mosquito nets.

It's so hot, they dream while they sweat.

Time to grift ceiling faaaaa....aaans.

Time to grift ceiling fans.

 

Silent night, Kafue night.

Where's the plane?  Where's the flight?

Pave those streets with your colorful tracts.

Dig for that well and don't ever look back.

These are John Shrader's dreeeee-eeeeeams.

These are John Shrader's dreams.

 

Silent night, Poor Shrader plight.

Facebook posts--John's the most.

Other Baptist folk have it all wrong.

John brings humor directing his songs.

Disillusionment rei...eigns!

Serving one's self is a shame.

 

 

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

(Apologies to "Frosty the Snowman")

 

Jessa and BinBoob

Were two happy, horny souls.

'Tho they chose to wait to copulate

There's a baby boy in tow.

 

Jessa and BinBoob

Chose a really crappy name.

Baby's not a fish 

And someday he'll wish

He could run away in shame.

 

There must've been some magic in 

That teenage boy's ball cap.

'Cause when he placed it on his head

Jessa's heart turned into sap.

 

Oh!  Jessa and BinBoob

Live a fairy tale, they say.

Neither has a job--they live off Jim Bob,

They just sit and play all day!

[princessmahina]

The Twelve Days of Griftmas. I don't have time to come up with lyrics, but it would be fun

[Gimme a Free RV]

That would be awesome, @princessmahina!  Hopefully, someone with lots of snarky talent can do that one.

(Here's my last one, for a bit.)

Said the little child to her sistermom:

"Do you hear what I hear?

In our parents' room, sistermom?

Do you hear what I hear?"

 

"A groaning sound, and squealing in the night

How it gives me such a big fright!

How it gives me such a big fright!"

 

Said the sistermom to the little child:

"Listen to what I say.

Our mom and dad are working very hard

To bring blessings into our fold,

To bring blessings into our fold."

 

Said the patriarch during breakfast time.

"Listen to what I say.

Your mother's womb, holds a precious gift.

One of you will get to raise up.

One of you will get to raise up."

 

Said the children of the father to their dad:

 

 

 

STOP ALREADY!!!!!  

 

 

 

 

[salex]

This is not grifter themed, so another version of the same song is more than welcome

ON twelth day of Christmas, Free Jinger gave to me

Twelve Rodrigui Singing

Eleven Lubed up minutes

Ten Mopping Maxwells

Nine Pining Penguins

Eight Months in Rehab

Seven Perfect Pantries

Six Rehomed Children

Five essential Oils!

Four homeschool horrors

Three Looming Lawsuits

Two Aging Botkins  

And a Never seen Zambian Airplane

[HerNameIsBuffy]

This is not grifter themed, so another version of the same song is more than welcome

ON twelth day of Christmas, Free Jinger gave to me

 

Twelve Rodrigui Singing

 

Eleven Lubed up minutes

 

Ten Mopping Maxwells

 

Nine Pining Penguins

 

Eight Months in Rehab

 

Seven Perfect Pantries

 

Six Rehomed Children

 

Five essential Oils!

 

Four homeschool horrors

 

Three Looming Lawsuits

 

Two Aging Botkins  

 

And a Never seen Zambian Airplane

 

Brava!  This was awesome.

And I had to read this twice before I realized you said "pantries" and I wondered what the heck I missed.

[Season of life...]

These are making my day! Here is my offering, a Duggar version of "Jingle Bells":

Driving through Tontitown,

paparazzi do I see

all waiting around

for Josh to be set free.

Oh, where could he be,

and Anna and the sprites?

Their house sold for a buck, oh my--

now surely that's not right?

Amy tells, In Touch sells

another expose'...

Josh is burned, but Jim Bob's learned

how to make crime pay, hey!

The Dillards grift,

it's quite a gift

to know just what to say.

Surf and sand

by donors' hands,

it's Christmas every day!!

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

Salex, that's awesome!

 

[DomWackTroll]

To the tune of “I’ll be Home for Christmas”

Pur’tan Board on Christ-MASS
You can plan on me
Please-- no snow, no mistletoe
No presents on the tree

Christ-MASS Eve will find me
Where Reformers scream
Pur’tan Board on Christ-MASS
And scotch in my bloodstream

Pur’tan Board on Christ-MASS
You can plan on me
Please have trolls, and gender roles
And bad theology

Christ-MASS Eve will find me
Where Scrooge reigns supreme
Pur’tan Board on Christ-MASS
And scotch in my bloodstream

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

John Shrader's 12 Days of Christmas would be pretty repetitive:

On the 12th day of Christmas, my dad's church gave to me,

Money for ....

On the 11th day of Christmas, my dad's church gave to me,

Money for....

(and so on)

[nastyhobbitses]

Have yourself a fundie little Christmas

Let your skirt be long

Next year we'll tell all the heathens how they're wrong

Have yourself a fundie little Christmas

Pray the gay away

Next year all our daughters will be forced to stay

Through the years we'll keep on having children

If the Lord allows

Until then we'll beg on our website somehow

So have yourself

A fundie little Christmas now

[Fascinated]

I saw Daddy dry humping Mommy

on the mini course in broad daylight.

He's really such a creep,

Doing Mom in front of me.

Did he think that we were blind and would not see?

 

Then I saw Derick kissing sister Jill

For the first time on their wedding day.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If I had done the same with Bin,

But we said 'fuck you' to all instead.

 

 

 

[nastyhobbitses]

Jim Bob got blindsided by a scandal

Going to pick Josh up for Christmas Eve

You can say there's no such thing as karma

But posters at Free Jinger sure believe

[EmCatlyn]

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat

Please do put a contract in JB's hat. 

(Duggars earn a living by not doing squat)

If there's no series, three specials will just do.

And when those are over, we'll want a series too.

(I am thinking of the traditional tune as rendered in the Wee Sing for Christmas album circa 1986.)

[nastyhobbitses]

Not exactly a Christmas-y song, but the Disney Store near me is completely festooned in Frozen merchandise, so it's been stuck in my head and it's sort of seasonally appropriate:

Do you wanna fund my mission?

It's really just a beach vacay

Deduct a nice and round amount

From your PayPal account

To fund my getaway

I swear that I'm soul-winning

Lazing on the beach

And saying the Pope's a lie

Do you wanna fund my mission?

It's not actually a mission

Get a job, Derick!

OK, bye...

[Gimme a Free RV]

(Apologies to Jeanette Isabella and her Torch)

Pretty Erin snagged a great fella,

Zach and Whit make a cute couple, too.

John thinks 'Lyssa is quite a hottie;

Brandon's engrossed with Michael's body.

Ah! Ah!  Lawson's defrauding!

Ah! Ah!  Jinger loves Tennessee.
 

[MarblesMom]

These are all fantastic!  

[Geechee Girl]

Sarah got run over by Uriah

Preaching door-to-door on Xmas eve

She warned those sinners about death and dying

As for all the Maxwells, they believe.

 

OR

Oh, Huckabee! The hateful hate was spewing.

We all know his campaign has no worth.

Then along came Trump, with talk of Muslims laughing.

We're wise to the lies he has birthed.

 

We've lost all hope, if these are all that's offered

Who will take the  caucaus in Iowa

Go! to the polls

and pray this was a big joke

O liberals unite!

On Super Tuesday morn

O liberals unite!

To send Ben Carson home.

 

 

 

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

Oh, ATI!  Oh, ATI!

How cultish are thy teachings.

Oh,  ATI!  Oh,  ATI! 

How cultish are thy teachings. 

Big Sandy trips and courting tips,

And legalistic lying lips.

Oh, ATI!   Oh, ATI! 

How cultish are thy teachings. 

 

Oh, ATI!  Oh, ATI! 

How creepy is thy leader. 

Oh, ATI!   Oh, ATI!

How creepy is thy leader. 

With wisdom straight from Gothard's brain

This crap he sells for his own gain.

Oh, ATI!   Oh, ATI! 

How creepy is thy leader.

 

Oh, ATI!   Oh, ATI! 

Thy followers are fundies.

Oh, ATI!   Oh, ATI!

They purchase thrift store undies. 

 They're birthing children left and right,

While pleasing headship every night.

Oh,  ATI!   Oh, ATI! 

Thy followers are fundies. 

 

Oh, ATI!  Oh, ATI!

How silly is thy thinking. 

Oh, ATI!  Oh, ATI!

How silly is thy thinking. 

The daughters raise the growing pack

While mom and dad roll in the sack.

Oh, ATI!  Oh, ATI!

How silly is thy thinking. 

 

[Gimme a Free RV]

(To the tune "Good King Wenceslaus")

 

Josh went looking for a dish

On a secret website.

When he didn't get his wish

He stepped out one late night.

Danica was his big thrill

'Though it cost him money.

He was smug right up until

Tabloids found it fuh-uh-nee!

 

Jim Bob's image took a hit,

The family name was tainted.

He was in a raging fit--

The "brand" no longer sainted.

He devised a cover plot

When the press went fishin'.

Josh went to a rehab camp;

The Dillards went on mi-i-shun!

 

Anna needs to leave that pig!

That is fairly certain.

Josh paid for a lap dance gig;

Now his wife is hurtin'.

My advice to his dear wife

(Caution here, to all dads.)

Make a difference in his life:

Kick him in the go-oh-nads!