I listened so you don't have to: Teri Maxwell

[danvillebelle]

Teri Maxwell's Lecture "Loving Your Husband"

 

Part I

 

Teri asked the Lord how does loving her husband (from Titus 2:3-5) practically work out in her life. She feels like a big part of it is learning how to be a wife who does not try to control her husband. She says this can mean very small things, and her example is correcting Steve in something as simple as him misspeaking during a conference, saying that she was going to do a combined session when in fact she wasn’t. She thinks this would have looked terribly disrespectful to the audience and says “What does it matter?†if he makes a mistake. Another example is Steve saying to friends “We did such and such on Monday nightâ€, when it was actually Tuesday night. Teri says that her correcting this in a sweet tone, not nagging, is not reverencing her husband and therefore she no longer does it.

 

She then tells a story of being at a conference where she was sitting in the top row of the balcony with Steve. She sees a family come in and start to sit a couple of rows in front of them; the wife says to the husband no, I don’t think we’ll be able to see from there, let’s go down further, so the husband backs out and they go further. Then when they get to their row and go in, the wife asks the husband to back up so that a couple of their daughters can go in first, then the parents, then the other daughters. Teri sees this as, and I quote, “VERY DISHONORING to her husband, instead of following his leadership.â€

 

Steve has told Teri that for years he was afraid to lead family Bible Time because he felt Teri would do a better job, and when he tried, she would be there “helping†him (read: nagging and correcting). Her trying to get the children to be quiet and pay attention made a mess of family Bible Time and ruined it.

 

Teri learned some things about reverencing her husband and not being controlling when Sarah became a woman. Steve would get a phone call and Teri would ply him with questions: who was on the phone? What did they say? Sarah would do the same thing to Teri, Teri would get a little irritated, then realize that was what she did to Steve and feel guilty. Teri felt that when she asked Steve little things it was just normal, but Steve informed her that he received it as nagging.

 

She recalls a time over ten years ago when Steve informed her he wanted to have family Bible time all together in the evening, rather than the way they had been doing it, with him having it with the older children before he went to work then the younger children in the evening. Teri raised a mild objection, then the older children chimed in and agreed with her. Teri felt terrible about this and went to Steve in repentance.

[danvillebelle]

Teri Maxwell's "Loving Your Husband"

Part II

Teri asked Steve what makes him feel the most loved. He said he feels the most loved when she is supportive of his decisions and when she encourages the children in that direction. Her (sinful) tendency is that if he brings something up, she comes up with a better idea or a reason they can’t do what he says. Example: Steve says let’s invite someone over Friday night. Teri replies†honey it’s been a very busy week, I’m tired†– instead of saying “Yes dear, I’d love to do that†and looking to the Lord to give her the strength to deal with it. Steve wants, loves and desires words of affirmation from his wife. Teri must constantly be positive, encouraging and praise him.

Teri’s responses to Steve are NOT dependent on his responses to her. Teri gets emails from distressed moms who say their husbands are not being leaders in the home or the spiritual head. Teri writes back you can’t change your husband, that’s the Lord’s work. She then corrects the mom on how she’s been dealing with things in everyday life – has she been telling her husband what to do? Correcting him, nagging him? She has to stop and only encourage. She recalls that during some of the darkest days of her depression, Steve would look at her and say “Teri, no matter how hard I try, I can never please you.â€

Teri says there are four clear verses about submission. She rests her life on scripture, and she cannot get rid of these verses. Submission is not popular in this “age of independence for womenâ€, but she must follow scripture. If a husband is not living a godly life, the wife must keep quiet and submit in all things, then she can win him without a word by her chaste and submissive behavior.

She shares a letter from a mom who states she has turned all the planning and bill paying over to her husband, but he is so forgetful (because he is mentally and physically exhausted from work) that he has forgotten important things like plane reservations for a wedding or paying utility bills on time. Teri’s advice is keep quiet, let the wedding go unattended and the electricity be shut off if that’s what it takes for the husband to take responsibility. This is a much better situation than the wife nagging (reminding).

[danvillebelle]

Teri Maxwell's "Loving Your Husband"

Part III

Teri shares that a terribly hard area for her is to wait for Steve to ask for her opinion or help rather than pushing or controlling (offering advice or help). They have discussed this at length, and decided it is all right for her to ask permission to remind, as in “do you want some reminders about this issue.†Even if Steve forgets something, Teri has peace in the Lord because she was not the one there bringing it up.

Again in the past concerning family Bible Time – Steve wanted to get Joseph and John up when they were little to have Bible Time with the older children, and Teri voiced concern that they would be too tired and that school would be difficult during the day. It never happened, and she still feels grief over this.

Teri quotes the verses in 1 Timothy about having a meek and quiet spirit and Sarah obeying Abraham and calling him Lord, not being afraid with any amazement. This is her example for living. Teri is the example for her children concerning how they respond to their Daddy. Not only must she stay quiet and not say a negative word or anything that could be construed as contradiction or nagging, she says that her whole family can read her face and so that she must even LOOK happy to comply. If the children are uncooperative with schoolwork, ask questions or want to change things, it is Teri’s fault because she has set a bad example in her relationship with Steve.

Teri is Steve’s helpmeet – he is NOT hers. She struggled with this. If she were doing dishes after supper and Steve was sitting in a chair, she felt he should be helping her and felt anger and bitterness towards him. She was in the wrong. She says the Lord began to work in Steve’s life and he began to be a little more helpful around the house, but he would say to her he didn’t know what needed to be done. She claims boys do not see things around the house the same way that girls do.

She then shares a humorous anecdote where after toilet paper was purchased for the whole house, she left the TP for the downstairs bath that the teenage boys usually used right outside the door. It sat there for a week (she let it). Finally in exasperation she said to the boys “why haven’t you put the toilet paper away?†and their response was “WHAT toilet paper?†She totally accepts this and seems to find it endearing. She uses the analogy of her being in a car. She says she doesn’t feel the tires out of balance or notice that the oil needs to be changed , but Steve notices these things immediately. Eventually Steve stepped up and started putting the little boys to bed and doing the grocery shopping for the family.

[linnea27]

I think these men would be happier with a high-quality blow up doll. You know, something that is quiet during bible study, doesn't ask silly questions like who were you talking to, and spreads its legs whever you wish.

[sparkles]

I will never, in a million years, understand the mindset that tells these women to live by the idea that "I am less than nothing and that is all I deserve." And they will never, ever convince me that they really are happy this way.

Danvillebelle, I don't know how you got through this without having your brains leak out your ears.

[danvillebelle]

Teri Maxwell's "Loving Your Husband"

Part IV

To love our husbands we must forgive them so that no root of bitterness brings up. Teri can remember hurts by Steve in the early days of their marriage, some word for word, because she wasn’t forgiving him. But now she forgets everything because she forgives him.

She once got a letter from a Christian mom whose husband was an unbeliever. He did not want her to go to church on Sundays. She reverenced him and stayed home, but went to a Bible study during the week. He wanted her to sit with him while he watched TV. She didn’t want to watch TV, but she’d sit with him and read a spiritual book. Teri saw in this a sweet spirit of hope and expectation of what the Lord would someday do in her husband’s life. On a daily basis there were great hurts going on in this woman’s life between her and her husband but she forgave him so it was all OK.

She shares a letter from a woman who feels that having any “me†time or participating in church ministry outside her home was blatant sin and she is so much happier now that she is serving her husband, putting all his needs ahead of her.

Teri had to learn how Steve felt loved – again, supporting his decisions and praising and encouraging him. She says she feels loved if Steve stops on the way home and brings her home a soda with crushed ice. Steve likes for Teri to put the toothpaste on his toothbrush, so that when he comes into the bathroom to brush his teeth at night it’s all ready for him. She quotes the love chapter from 1 Corinthians.

Any words of contradiction or expressing concern to husbands is nagging and tearing down our houses and relationships, and not loving them.

The End

P.S. Steve Maxwell is an Asshat

[salex]

HOw miserable must these women and men be that they talk about their marriages in such miserable terms, and after year and years of marriage, struggle to force themselves into unnatural roles.

[Jana814]

Teri has more issues then I thought!! She is nuts why r these women asking her for advice I would be pissed if someone told me what she told these women. & I agree w/ the poster above that they would rather have a plow-up doll.

[sparkles]

Steve likes for Teri to put the toothpaste on his toothbrush, so that when he comes into the bathroom to brush his teeth at night it’s all ready for him

What? WHAT? What the ever lovin' fuck? It's a wonder he doesn't expect her to wipe his ass for him too. Or maybe he does and she just ain't sayin...

AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

ETA: I swear, there's some serious crazy going on here. It's like some of these men really get off on seeing how much they can humiliate and debase their wives and the wives get off on finding out just how much they can take before they lose it. Sick fucks.

[danvillebelle]

What? WHAT? What the ever lovin' fuck? It's a wonder he doesn't expect her to wipe his ass for him too. Or maybe he does and she just ain't sayin...

AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!

It makes him feel loved. :wtf:

He is one power trippin' dude.

[defraudingjezebel]

This is just depressing. What about the whole section of Proverbs 31 describing the noble wife? She "speaks with wisdom" and "faithful instruction is on her tongue," not to mention she is supposed to be a very shrewd and successful businesswoman. She is not some subservient little robot that doesn't ever speak her own opinion. I'm sorry to hear that Teri has resigned herself to live in such a lowly position.

This brings me to another issue: does anyone else feel like the word "nag" is used to gaslight women into thinking they're being unreasonable? I mean, gaslight in the sense that it is supposed to make women feel guilty and wrong for expressing their opinion or desires. I feel like you rarely hear about men that nag, only women. It frequently seems to be used to discount or minimize a woman's concerns and make them feel unjustified in whatever they are expressing.

[xReems]

All I got from that whole thing is that Steve has no self-esteem and uses that against Teri to make her feel guilty. He fears she's better than him, therefore, she has to be submissive to boost Steve's ego that much more so he feels better about himself?! I'm sorry but if my boyfriend is doing something wrong that is effecting me in anyway, I speak up. God gave us a brain for a reason and God gave us the ability to speak up when things are not going right. I'm sorry but God has other things to worry about than telling a husband to order pizza, book plane tickets, or pay the utility bills. Telling your husband, boyfriend, fiancé, partner, etc that they are doing something wrong does not make you controlling. How the fuck is the other person suppose to know they're doing something wrong if nobody speaks up?! I know for a fact there are times where I do things wrong that I just don't realize until someone tells me. Does it hurt me at first? Yes because nobody wants to hear they're doing something wrong but that's what ends up making you a better person.

Lets face it-the whole family is just afraid of Steve and how he'll react if someone comes up with their own opinion. It's not what the family wants-it's what Steve wants no matter how wrong he can be. It's pretty pathetic that because Steve wants to be the best at everything, it prevents Teri and the children from voicing their own opinions.

I cannot believe that some families actually buy the shit the MaxHells spew from their mouths. All I hear that the key to a happy family is to let the husband run the household, no matter how wrong he is, and to never ever correct him, no matter what he does. Uh, no, that's not a happy family-that's a cult that you're running and just obeying what the leader is saying for the fear of repercussions.

I truly worry how the family will function when Steve leaves this world.

[danvillebelle]

I would like to post one small clarification concerning my own life:

When I was into this shit, I totally went for it and brought it on myself. I was exposed to it through the homeschooling community, and having low self-esteem and suffering from depression and undiagnosed BPD, I glommed onto anything that seemed to be the "right" way to do things, or made decisions for me, or gave me rules, because sometimes I was so down I could barely function normally and I thought the structure would help. The black/white "we are right and everyone else is wrong" thinking was very appealing to me; it was the way I already thought about a lot of things (BPD).

My husband has never, ever, EVER resembled, looked like, bought into or espoused anything resembling this controlling patriarchal bullshit in any way, shape or form. He went along with whatever seemed to work for me at the time because he loves me and wants me to be happy. He is the most loving, caring, giving man I've ever known and I'm not sure what I did to deserve having him, but I thank God every day.

I couldn't bear for anyone to think my husband resembled Steve Maxwell in any single atom of his being.

That is all.

P.S. Example of something that would blow Steve and Teri's heads off: last night, me and husband in the grocery store.

Me: :::::toss a box of hair dye into the cart:::::

Husband: going all the way, huh? (jet black, my hair has always been light brown)

Me: yup!

Husband: cool!

Husband, after I came out of the bathroom with my new black hair: "You look HAWT!" :D

[nausicaa]

So for the men in these movements, a wife can never offer criticism or even reminders to her husband (to the point that the electricity could get turned off in the middle of winter because your headship is forgetful). Children should be just as obedient to their fathers.

Men should not take classes at college since the professors are evil and liberal.

Men should run their own businesses so that they do not work under another man (or worse, woman) and are their own bosses.

Men should home church, so that they are not under another man's religious authority or a denomination's rules.

Essentially, these men become their own demi-gods, never having to face anyone else's opinion. They are allowed to create their own world in which they answer to no one and have eliminated any checks and balances. There is also absolutely no measure of their performace and how well they are doing at anything. All I see is self-worship. It's just insanity to me.

[anjulibai]

Damn, what a horrible picture this paints of Steve. He can't have any challenges to him, however mild. Yikes.

[asinglevoice]

Teri Maxwell's "Loving Your Husband"

She shares a letter from a mom who states she has turned all the planning and bill paying over to her husband, but he is so forgetful (because he is mentally and physically exhausted from work) that he has forgotten important things like plane reservations for a wedding or paying utility bills on time. Teri’s advice is keep quiet, let the wedding go unattended and the electricity be shut off if that’s what it takes for the husband to take responsibility. This is a much better situation than the wife nagging (reminding).

So just let the bills go unpaid and the wedding unattended so you can have what essentially amounts to an "I told you so!" moment? Doesn't that seem a little passive-aggressive? FFS, at the very least, if the electricity is about to get shut off and you don't want to nag your husband about it - PAY IT YOURSELF. Jesus.

[singsingsing]

These people are truly disturbed. Such a shame for their children.

[anjulibai]

These people are truly disturbed. Such a shame for their children.

Indeed. If Teri isn't allowed to voice an opinion or even give a reminder, can you imagine how truly silenced the kids are.

[nellautumngirl]

So just let the bills go unpaid and the wedding unattended so you can have what essentially amounts to an "I told you so!" moment? Doesn't that seem a little passive-aggressive? FFS, at the very least, if the electricity is about to get shut off and you don't want to nag your husband about it - PAY IT YOURSELF. Jesus.

Behind your husband's back? I'm sure this gives you a ticket to hell as well.

But yeah, it's really insane. Nobody likes criticism, but good god, we all manage to deal with it without shutting the world off and enslaving our family.

[HereticHick]

If I put toothpaste on my husband's brush, he'd say "stop babying me!"

[bean]

So just let the bills go unpaid and the wedding unattended so you can have what essentially amounts to an "I told you so!" moment? Doesn't that seem a little passive-aggressive? FFS, at the very least, if the electricity is about to get shut off and you don't want to nag your husband about it - PAY IT YOURSELF. Jesus.

I don't get it - wouldn't a truly helpful wife offer to pick up the slack here vs. letting the husband continue to be overloaded? I wonder if the guy in question actually wanted the wife to turn over all the planning and bill paying over to him? Why in the world should "submission" take precedence over practicality? Makes no sense to me whatsoever. :roll:

[kpmom]

It's becoming clearer why Steve had to leave the corporate world. I feel sorry for his former bosses.

Can you imagine being this guy's co-worker?

[sparkles]

It's becoming clearer why Steve had to leave the corporate world. I feel sorry for his former bosses.

Can you imagine being this guy's co-worker?

Reading between the lines of Steve's vague (as always) description of his godly decision to "choose" to leave the corporate world and work from home, I get the distinct impression that the company bent over backwards trying to accommodate his crazy until they just had enough. In the end, I think he made his choice in much the same way his younger children chose to give up sports, his adult children chose to share bunk beds with their much younger siblings and Joseph chooses to leave his bought-in-cash home empty.

I do think the insanity will continue once Steve's gone though. The indoctrination runs deep and if not Nathan, then definitely Christopher will take on the role of dictator. I don't think either one will abandon the crazy and I certainly don't think the women would be capable of taking the reins at this point. Their will to do so has atrophied and died through lack of use, much like the body's muscles atrophy when you're confined to bed for an extended period.

[danvillebelle]

I don't get it - wouldn't a truly helpful wife offer to pick up the slack here vs. letting the husband continue to be overloaded? I wonder if the guy in question actually wanted the wife to turn over all the planning and bill paying over to him? Why in the world should "submission" take precedence over practicality? Makes no sense to me whatsoever. :roll:

That's just it - he didn't. The wife pushed it on him because that is the proper order of things. Teri did find minor fault with that, but in the end she left the responsibility for either doing it or giving it back to the wife completely on the husband.

[Mela99]

So... in order to make him feel like a man he wants her to treat him like an incapable infant....