I Should Be Asleep
I should be asleep. Instead I am sitting alone in my living room, crying. So freaking pathetic. I was just sitting here listening to music and staring off into space. Trying to figure out who I can talk to when I get upset like this. But I feel like I have no one. I suppose that's why I'm posting here. But it's only a matter of time until I won't feel right coming here when I'm sad either. No one wants to listen to me get upset about the same old stuff. I normally end up crying on the phone to my mom. I try not to though because it just upsets her. And I really just think she's sick of it anyway. My husband is always stressed about work and whatnot so I don't really like bugging him anymore either. And it's not like anyone can really say or do anything to make me feel better. I'm just the type of person who feels better if they can just cry and let it out to someone....anyone. So here I am.
My son has a speech delay. He turned two in September. He doesn't talk at all. He only babbles. But it's more than just not talking. He doesn't really communicate with us much at all. He also doesn't mimic actions or sounds much (though in recent months, this is improving a bit.) I've known for a very long time that he'd need extra help. He's been getting help every other week with Early Intervention. And soon he will get additional therapy elsewhere.
We also recently found out he's too far behind with gross motor skills as well and they want him to do physical therapy. I knew he'd hit all of his physical milestones late but they haven't been THAT bad so it was honestly a bit surprising that they are recommending physical therapy.
Last month, we met with a developmental pediatrician. I was worried he may be on the autism spectrum. But the doctor doesn't think so. I felt really happy to hear this news. But I still don't know....it's just....my son doesn't interact like other kids his age. It concerns me. Even if he doesn't have an actual disorder...he's just different. And it makes me so worried for him. No one wants their child to be different. Especially not on top of developmental delays. He's only 2 so thankfully he has no clue about any of it. I just hope he can catch up and whatnot before he's old enough to realize anything.
And then there's the selfish part....
Nothing is the way I expected it to be. No one plans to have a child with delays. Or a disability. Or anything. My son's "problems" are minimal compared to many children. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to come to terms with it all. I am having to completely let go of how I thought life with a child would be. It's hard to let go of all of the things I planned or expected. I love my son more than anything. And I feel guilty that sometimes I just wish he was "normal." But it's hard to see other people with kids his age (or younger.) Watching how they interact with their parents. I get jealous. I want my son to look at me the way their kids look at them. I want him to call me "mom" and run over and hug. Will I ever get that?! Does it make me an awful person or an awful mom for thinking these things? Maybe. I just can't help it sometimes.
The other day my brother and his family were in town. My niece turned 1 in October. Playing with her....it was just so different than I am used to with my son. It was "normal." It was a bit heartbreaking for me.
And then my recent RA diagnosis on top of this. It's almost too much to bear some days. This isn't the way things were supposed to be.
I know things could always be worse.
But they could always be better too.
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