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Truly, Lawfully, Evilly Yours

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This Fucking Summer

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lawfulevil

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This fucking summer. This fucking year, really. So. My marriage, which limped along while I was super depressed because I just didn't care, is really rocky right now. I'm not sure he knows that it's total shit- I think he thinks everything is great. I mean, I finally stopped nagging him. I'm just really quiet all the time. I never ask him to do anything around the house anymore and just do it all myself. Because I'm fucking tired of having to tell a grown man, over and over and over again, that he needs to put effort into his own life outside of work. For the first time in a long time I'm thinking about the future and I'm just exhausted by the thought of however many more decades with him. I get one life and I'm not sure I want to spend it as someone's damn live-in help- there is no mystical property of a penis that prevents the owner of said genitals from cleaning the shower once in a fucking while, without being reminded six times, and without whining about it.

It all came to a head when one of his friends (who, silly me, I thought was my friend too- hahaha, no) told him that he's avoiding me on purpose (we're next door neighbors, it was getting pretty weirdly obvious) because he's got some Mike Pence flavored asshole ideas about the world. Well, the dude didn't acknowledge his own Mike Penceness, just said that he won't be alone with his friends' wives*. Like, what the fuck, dude, I'm a PERSON. I'm a PERSON. I don't BELONG to my husband, and I don't just drop my fucking pants every time I'm alone in a room with someone! As a matter of fact, the vast majority of times I have ever been alone with another human being, I was wearing my pants the whole time. The whole time!

*I'll note that this rule was clearly not in existence last year, before I lost 50 pounds.

Believe it or not I swallowed my rage (it took some serious swallowing) and did not make him eat his own mailbox. See? Agency. Choices. Not ruled by my emotions/gonads/instincts. Almost like I'm people or something.

Like, holy shit guys, I'm being treated like I'm an appliance with tits by basically all sides these days. This sucks and MANY things officially tasted better than thin feels.

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If you were in Jersey I'd happily bake  a peach tart and split it with you. Homemade vanilla ice cream on top if so desired.    Congratulations on the huge weight loss success!  

I've noticed that a HUGE number of men don't seem to give a rat's ass about cleaning since they have housekeeper (us).   I'm sorry you are going through this and that your neighbor has his head up his posterior.     

:hug:

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littlemommy

Posted

It's so troubling and baffling to me when I get hints of my husband's small streaks of misogyny. Most of the time he's very pro-women, but then there's something like watching an unmarried woman have an affair with a married man on TV and calling HER the slut. Huh??? I give him a pretty serious side-eye in those moments and feel that angry, lost at sea feeling. 

I can't imagine feeling that way all the time, like it sounds you are (or at least frequently). You shouldn't have to. Hopefully you can talk to your husband before he settles comfortably into being the next Ken Alexander, calling you "babes" and patting your head. 

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lawfulevil

Posted

My husband so rarely does anything where you can point to it, go "that, that's misogyny", and not sound crazy. It's a pattern of small choices and small exclusions, and it took me a really long time to even notice it because previous exes were... less than subtle. What you think of when you think "misogynist". Compared to them, he's a saint, and compared to my family, he's warm and affectionate. It's just that as I sort my own shit out I realize what low bars those really are...

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It's little stuff that adds up. When the best thing you can say about a relationship is "At least he doesn't beat her." It makes me sad.  Learned helplessness is incredibly common and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with it.  Maybe a clue by four will strike soon? Ticker tape parades for cleaning a toilet shouldn't be necessary. 

20170823_014935.png

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lawfulevil

Posted

There's definitely chore wars, but it's not just that- it's that my wants are always secondary to his wants, and sometimes my needs are as well. Example- the living room has a gigantic TV and he's already talking about replacing it with an EVEN BIGGER TV, but my desire to replace the crappy college-dorm-level end tables with something I trust to hold a lamp successfully... ha. It'll never happen. If he can't park his ass on it and play Fallout, it doesn't exist. My feelings on the subject are irrelevant.

He'll then point out I just bought a kitchen item, and ignore the fact that my new kitchen item cost $80 (not several thousand dollars), replaced something that was broken (not a perfectly good one), and does something that benefits everyone in the house equally (cook tasty food).

Very few things I buy are just for me, most of what he buys is just for him, and he refuses to understand the difference.

On the bright side, it looks like I have time to visit the Goodwill furniture store today. Everyone cross your fingers for me, hope I find something acceptable.

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Yes! "You just bought a toaster! I can totally buy a new gaming computer!"   Uhm, yeah. I'm extra sad that you aren't around here. I love thrift shopping and drive the Van of Doom(tm). I'd be delighted to take you to some of the many stores around in a hunt for good stuff. If you have time on weekends don't forget estate sales.   I wish I had magical words to offer that would comfort you or make you at least smile.  All I can offer really is we've got your back.

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Grimalkin

Posted

     I'm sorry. His wants coming before yours is a huge deal. More than the chores, mainly because different people are comfortable with different levels of tidiness and my husband honestly doesn't notice some things I do. Which to me is unintentional, while his stuff taking priority is more intentional. He may not realize that either. I hope you figure things out one way or another. Really sorry you had a crappy summer. I can relate. I hope you feel better.

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lawfulevil

Posted

Thanks guys. I did score a Lane end table for $20, so my thrifting hasn't been TOTAL crap this summer.

I still wish I could go with Khan though. A peach tart AND someone else driving? Heaven. I'll alternate between stuffing my face and hanging my head out the window like a dog.

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Ooh. Pics of table? Finding decent furniture is a bit of a rush for me. 

Peach tart, fresh homemade grape jam, and blackberry pie.  I've got very large dogs that would love to rest their heads on your shoulders so you look like Cerberus in my passenger seat. :hello-kitty-clap:

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church_of_dog

Posted

I am that person who goes into a "junque" store or yard sale or thrift store and says "I don't want any of those knick-knacks, but is that shelf/table they're displayed on for sale?"

I'm sorry about your fucking summer, @lawfulevil :group-hug:

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catlady

Posted

@lawfulevil, you could easily be describing Mr. CatLady.  and what is it with men and big tv's?  almost every man i know who is over age 22 thinks a tv must be the size of the largest wall in the room, and anything smaller is just crap.  don't even get me started on sound systems......

seriously though, hugs and best wishes to you. :my_heart:

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lawfulevil

Posted

Oh my god catlady, that is EXACTLY true. He asked me recently to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle with a 16:9 side ratio where the longer side is 70 inches.

I didn't think about that very well and answered him and now he wants an 80" TV.

(It's just over 70 inches between the 2 windows on that wall.)

Khan- it's not one of the really pretty Lane tables, but it matches the room well and it's quite sturdy. The finish is battered though. I'm probably going to refinish it (I think it's bad enough it doesn't have original value left).

Please excuse the dust- my baseboard cleaning time has been a little short lately.

IMG_20170823_153457.jpg.a1e4ea994b051d53700ffba619535d81.jpg

There was no end table in that corner at all before- and the other 2 are a cheap little sofa-arm one and a FILING CABINET. Wood, but, still.

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@lawfulevilI hope your weekend was ok. Refinishing stuff can be fun. I find using a sander to be quite therapeutic. Thinking happy thoughts at you.

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lawfulevil

Posted (edited)

You guys emboldened me to say "fuck it" and spend some money. One trip to the consignment store later...

zomgweasels.jpg.1c03b276f7f325e931979f1eb9df1a58.jpg

New table, cabinets (I'm going to change the stain and hardware on them- there's one on the other side of the TV too), and a giant (over 4 by 5!) leather coffee table that's a little faded but the leather is really good quality so I think it can be rescued- and I think I'll take it a little bluer while I'm at it.

So it still needs work but my God, it almost looks like ADULTS live here now. The dog toys have a home.

My husband is sort of reluctantly pleased. He didn't want to spend the money, but on the other hand he invited his friends over to see, so...

Edited by lawfulevil

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