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The Masons and the Taylors

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Wa-La Diner, Part One

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mango_fandango

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A while ago we came up with ideas for a potential fundie-themed restaurant. I decided to write a story featuring the Masons and a visit to said restaurant. Families are referred to, although not by name. 

“Mom. Mom. Have you seen what’s in the newspaper?”

Faye was running into the living room, waving a copy of our local paper wildly.

“No, you’ve been reading it all morning. What?”

“There’s a new restaurant opening. It’s called Wa-La Diner and it’s run by a fundamentalist Christian family. It’s their grand opening tonight and supposedly there are LOADS of fundies going. We HAVE to go.”

The paper was swooshing so fast I could feel a breeze. Faye had an excited look in her eyes. In fact, the members of Dumb Things Fundies Do had been discussing the grand opening for a long time. I knew I could score major kudos points by going. And I was seriously tempted. I’d recently bought myself a new maxi skirt… oh, who was I kidding…?
“I think we can definitely go,” I grinned. “Why don’t you invite Charlie along? We can pretend you’re courting and I’m your chaperone or something. Do you think Jessica will want to come?”

“Well, she’s not as fascinated by fundies as me, but I’m sure she’d be up for it,” Faye grinned. “HEY! JESS!”

My oldest daughter entered the room.

“D’you fancy going to Wa-La Diner?”

Jessica looked confused as an enthusiastic Faye shoved the advert under her nose.

“Oh, this sounds good…” Jessica muttered. “We don’t have a huge family, though. How can we not appear like intruders?”

“Mom figured it out,” Faye replied. “I’m inviting Charlie along- we can pretend we’re courting- and you and Mom are our chaperones.”
“I don’t really have any suitable skirts…” Jessica muttered.

“Well, we can buy you one,” Faye said breezily.

 

The skirt- a knee-length denim affair- was duly purchased. Jessica paired it with a blue paisley-patterned v-neck top underneath which she wore a white camisole for “modesty”. Faye herself was wearing a black-and-white patterned maxi dress which was modest enough without extras.

Standing in the hallway, we all laughed at each other.

“Oh my god, this is going to be soooo bizarre,” Faye said.

The doorbell rang. Charlie was looking wary.

“What is this thing we’re doing?” he asked.

“We’re visiting Wa-La Diner,” Faye said, explaining the story.
“Oh God, we’re going to be seeing freaky fundies up close?” he asked.

“Come on, it’ll be a laugh,” Faye pleaded.

“OK. As long as we don’t actually have to talk to these Jesus freaks, I’m good.”

 

Wa-La Diner was brightly lit. The front windows were interestingly decorated.

“What’s with all the pink and lace and doilies and doll tea sets?” Charlie asked.

“Oh, I know who that’ll be,” Faye said, explaining.

Charlie’s eyes shot up.

“She sounds insane,” he replied.

“All fundies are, let’s be honest,” Jessica said, putting her hands in her pockets.

 

The main dining room was noisy. As we waited for a waitress to arrive, I decided to people-watch.

“Spot anyone?” Faye asked.

“Not yet, we’re too far away,” I replied.

A young woman, dressed in a bright-pink t-shirt, frilly apron and denim maxi skirt walked over to us.
“Welcome to Wa-La Diner!” she said, in a bright voice. “My name is Grace and I will be your waitress this evening. How many of you are there?”

“Four,” I said, whilst thinking “Can you not count, dumbass?”

We were led to a small table at the side of the room. It too was covered in a pink gingham table cloth and lace doilies.

“Here are your menus!” said Grace, in the same high-pitched voice. “I will be back shortly to take your order!”
She walked over to another table.

“Big Salad?” Charlie asked.

“Oh, she’s particularly crazy,” Faye explained.

“Ooh look, Taylors,” Jessica whispered, nudging my elbow.

I whipped my head round. It looked like the entire clan had arrived. Mama Taylor and her unmarried daughters were all in the same outfit- white t-shirt, black floral-patterned skirt and pale pink cardigan. Papa Taylor and the unmarried sons were in simple white shirts and chinos. Each married son and his family had also cobbled together some kind of dress code.
“Three guesses as to what they’ll be eating,” I muttered, spotting the meatless burritos underneath the “main courses” heading.

“So, what are we all having?” Jessica asked, bringing my attention back to the table.

“Hmm… there are so many classic dishes and only four of us…” I said. “I think I’ll take the plunge and go for Tater Tot Casserole.”
“Ah yeah, I was gonna go for that…” Jessica said. “Hm. I’ll go with Chickenetti.”

I was just about to ask Faye what she wanted when a dreadful wailing began. Thinking some poor young woman had been dumped, I looked round for the source of the noise.

“It’s them!” Faye whispered. “Off the RV! No doubt trying to grift for a free meal.”

“Jesus, is that singing?” Charlie wondered. “And holy crap, they’re so skinny!”

“Not the husband though,” I muttered.

“Ooh look! Guess who’ve arrived, all the way from Washington!” Jessica said.

I looked toward the entrance and saw what Faye had seen. I recognised the mother, short hair standing out in stark contrast to the lengthy tresses all around her. The eldest daughters were looking bored, arms folded. The youngest, twins, were dressed completely identically, from the pink-and-white striped dresses to the white sandals on their feet. The only concession to individuality was that one had a pink ribbon in her hair, whilst her sister wore a purple one.

“Ah, my gateway fundies,” I said. “I thought they’d ditched the skirts-only rule?”
“They’re gonna be back in skirts to fit in at Wa-La, aren’t they?” Faye pointed out.

“True,” I replied. “Spot anyone else?”
“Yup,” she replied. “Right there, all the way from Tennessee.”

I looked. Sure enough, I recognised them. It looked like they hadn’t brought along their married children- until I remembered that the married couples all had young children or were on their honeymoon.

“Man, you are going to have to tell me about these people,” Charlie said, staring in disbelief at all the other tables.

“Oh, don’t you worry, I will,” Faye said drily.

“Hello again! What would you like to order?”

Grace’s high-pitched baby voice was starting to grate on me.

“I think we’ll start off with a bowl of Big Salad to share as well as some gloodles,” I said. Then, remembering a common fundie trick, I asked her if there was any way in which we could pray for her.


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  • Posts

    • Jucifer

      Posted

      6 hours ago, LadyCrow1313 said:

      This reminds me of a movie where a young man (early 20s-ish) kept faking his death to surprise his family in all sorts of shocking/disgusting ways, but they were wise to his shenanigans & always shrugged it off. (Can't remember the name, but the movie may have been British.)

      It's 'Harold and Maude'. One of my favorites. :)

      0
    • 2manyKidzzz

      Posted

      A fifth person has died they took a 75 year old man off of life support.

      0
    • Glasgowghirl

      Posted

      18 hours ago, Emcee said:

      Glasgow residents, do you have hate preachers using your city as a personal pulpit, too?

      Not that I'm aware of, I hope not.

      0
    • ChunkyBarbie

      Posted

      3 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

      Bestiality is actually illegal in Washington (it's not in many states), so charges would have been filed.

      That said, I predict Kelly will be married to Natty Darnell within a year. Scott will insist on it.

      If that happens, Ol Scottie needs a new picker. God forbid, he let Kelly pick her own husband. Hey Scottie, I picked my own husband and we have had 24 years and counting of wedded bliss. The kicker, my husband isn't even Christian!  

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    • Million Children For Jesus

      Posted (edited)

      42 minutes ago, singsingsing said:

      You're a perfect example of the vast limitations of these tests, and the reason why they should not be used to qualify or disqualify anyone as belonging to any particular group! It sounds like your great-great-grandpa was accepted as Apache by the Apache community, and that your great-grandma grew up in that culture. There's a reason tribes don't accept DNA results for membership. It's absolutely possible to be a member of a group via adoption, marriage, etc. rather than DNA. In fact, DNA (in the context of these tests) is just looking at patterns common to certain groups of people who inhabited certain areas at one time. It's basically telling you, "Your DNA matches about 17% with what we've discovered people from X region tend to show." 

      In the 18th and 19th century, many Irish people married French Canadians, and many more Irish orphans were adopted into French Canadian families. They were raised French, and the majority of them forgot their Irish heritage. Depending on the location

       and random chance, it's possible that a few generations later you could have French Canadians who were actually mostly of Irish descent - and yet culturally speaking, they were 100% French Canadian! 

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      ETA: You're correct about Great Grandma. Culturally, she lived 100% Apache. 

      Edited by Million Children For Jesus
      1