Disclaimer: this chapter is all boring walls of text. I'll do my best to make it interesting, but I may not be successful.

Wine: naw, it would just make me fall asleep, cos this shit is boring.

We have another new character today! Captain Courtship, the youth pastor at Good Girl and Barren Spinster's church. Um, Barren Spinster is 32. Why does she have a youth pastor? Maybe I need some wine after all. Artist's rendition:

Back in the god damned park. I may end up becoming a full on hater of nature by the end of this clusterfuck of fail. Incidentally, the chapter illustration is a high rise. One might wonder what a high rise has to do with a park, but one would never get an answer, so moving the fuck on. Nosy Busybody is chillin' in the park and OMFG DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS? WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE PARK ALL DAY LONG? Captain Courtship is also in the park today BECAUSE REASONS AND COS FUCK ME THAT'S WHY, so he wanders over to Nosy Busybody and asks if they can talk. Captain Courtship wants to set the record straight on what courtship really means, because he feels like Good Girl and Barren Spinster did a bad job of it. Spoiler: this explanation goes on for FIFTEEN fucking pages. SEND HELP! (this is totally why this chapter has taken so long, cos it's too damned long and I'm scared.)

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Sakal: Oh? I thought they did a rather good job, between them. It was rather awkward for them, obviously.

Charles: Yes, you’re right. It is awkward for them. They aren’t really trained in those things.

Sakal: Those things?

Charles: Well, theology, and youth ministry.

Sakal: I see. I had thought maybe you meant in Bible study and doctrine.

Charles: Yes, that’s what I meant by ‘theology’.

Nosy Busybody, you arrogant motherfucker. I hate you and your condescending ass. That's what fucking theology means, you steaming pile of shit. This was the point were I took a 20 minute detour to try to determine if Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has a college education, but I was unsuccessful at doing so. I assume that he must have some sort of secondary education if he worked as a schoolteacher, but I could find nothing that says that he has a college degree. Not that I think having a degree matters all that much, but this quote definitely seems to hate on people with educations. This guy. This fucking guy. HATE.

Anyway, Captain Courtship gives the boring courtship is godly and keeps you from giving away pieces of your heart speech, and I'm just going to skip it, because, if you are on FJ, you have heard it all before and because I have blood pressure to consider. Nosy Busybody retorts that courtship really doesn't seem all that dissimilar from dating, because there are serial courters in the world. I don't entirely disagree with Nosy Busybody on this issue, but I also think the whole courtship movement is FUCKING HORSESHIT and that getting your heart broken a time or two is part of growing up. It's a shitty part, but learning what DOESN'T work for you in a relation ship helps you learn what DOES.

Nosy Busybody starts in on his spiel about how the bible doesn't say that people who marry should be able to support themselves or that they should be mature enough to make a life altering decision and omfg, I want to punch him. It breaks my heart to think of the kids this asshole has harmed. Captain Courtship and Nosy Busybody go back and forth for a while on whether courtship is Biblical, and it's boring and stupid and send help and wine!

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Sakal: Let me see if I can explain it in terms you are used to. The same author you quoted earlier, said there are five fundamental principles to what he calls ‘Scriptural romance’: piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience.lx (Footnote is a link to http://itwillpass.com/family_dating.shtml.)

God, hes' being condescending again, and I want to reach through the screen and throttle him. So fucking badly. Apparently we are going to go through all five of these points and Nosy Busybody is going to explain to us how courtship does NOT serve these goals. (Personally, I think anything that doesn't serve the goal of more patriarchy is a win, but I'm a godless heathen so what the fuck do I know?)

I'm just gonna summarise the five points, because this goes on for PAGES. Piety: courtship can't be pious because there's no one who gets married via courtship in the Bible? Uh, what the actual fuck does that have to do with piety? I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Go get the fortifying beverage of your choice before you start the next one. I did. For the record, I now have a cider next to me while I'm writing this because this one made me angry. Patriarchy: courtship allows the children to make choices with the parent's approval. The Bible doesn't talk about that.  The Bible has the parents telling the children what to do and they just do it. *vomits* Purity: the tl;dr of this argument is that Paul said it is better to marry than burn, so let's marry them off so they don't have bad thoughts about teh ebil secks. Preparedness: basically, it's they've reached sexual awakening, so they should get married and go start popping out babies. Patience: a good thing, but should not be confused with delay. The whole section was a word salad that made no sense to me.

They go back and forth on whether Rebekah consented to the marriage with Isaac for like 2 pages. Captain Courtship is team Rebekah gave consent to marrying Isaac because there is a Bible verse where she says "I will go". Nosy Busybody tries to make the case that her consent was demanded because her father had already made the agreement. Here's what it says, because it makes me too angry:

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Sakal: Exactly, so what does that do to Calvin’s argument here? Read Bethuel’s statement again, and see how much he qualifies it. Does he say, ‘If Rebecca agrees’? Does he even imply it?

Charles: Well, no, not really. It is a very strong statement. But no doubt they made strong statements in those days.

Sakal: And no doubt they meant them too. Come, you studied those cultures in seminary. How likely is it that an oriental man of his type would have really meant,”...if my daughter agrees” when taking a vow?

Charles: Well. Not very likely. Then why did they ask her?

Sakal: Gill, who still wants to find some ‘consent’ from Rebecca, says of verse fifty eight: “the question was not about her marriage of Isaac, that was agreed upon, and she had doubtless given her consent, and which she tacitly did by accepting of the presents, but about taking the journey immediately:lxxv” She had already been given to Isaac; they were having an argument about when exactly she should leave. Her mother wanted her to stay for a few days of ‘goodbyes’, and Abraham’s servant, the impatient one, wanted them to leave immediately.

Leaving out the oriental bit, which is terrible for its own reasons, WHAT THE SHIT FUCK?????????????????? This guy is fucking evil.

Moving on, we are going to go through Nosy Busybody's five principles for how to make a successful marriage. I am going to go through these tomorrow, or later tonight, because Luna should be here soon, and I don't want to be angry when she gets here. Part 2, coming soon.