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Totally Not A Blog

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About this blog

Random snarking and venting about stuff happening in my life.

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Vex

I feel the need to get this off my chest, even if nobody really reads this.

Yesterday marked the end of a chapter of my life that was open for 16 years - since I was 16 myself.

When I was 16 I met someone online. We were the same age (or so I thought - years later she admitted she was actually 6 years older than me) and had similar interests and immediately clicked as friends. In fact, it turned into more than friendship and we started a long-distance relationship. I was infatuated, in love as only a 16-year-old could be.
I vividly remember our first fight. It was around the time of my 17th birthday. We had a mutual friend who was interested in a site called Furcadia. She'd invited us both to play with her but my girlfriend wasn't interested. I decided to give it a try, though. When she found out I'd been hanging out there with our friend she was furious. I was taken aback, but I placated her and it was over.

Thus began my dealings with a person suffering from psychiatrist-diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In the early years she broke up with me several time. Each time I was sobbing and heart broken. Each time I was told to get over it. At one stage I moved across the country to live with her. I had no car and no way of catching public transport so she promised to drive me around. Three days before my flight she dumped me. When I moved there, she refused to drive me around. My parents had to buy me a car and drive it cross country. Two months later she decided she didn't want to live there any more and broke the lease to move back home. I had to do the same.
She told me to move on because we were never getting back together. Eventually, I did.

I kept it from her, knowing that in spite of her telling me to move on she would be furious. I didn't lie about it, I just never mentioned it. I didn't really try to hide it. Enevitably she found out and the fallout was phenomenal. Eventually, we began talking again. She wanted to resume our relationship after mine ended, but after she had stranded me across the country without so much as a single apology for her actions I'd seen her true colours and could never feel the same about her. I was willing to be friends, but any love I'd felt had been crushed by the hurt I felt.
Despite not being in a relationship, she rewrote the history of mine. She accused me of being with him while I was still with her. She claimed that she'd never said to get over her and that she'd been trying to get back together with me while I was with him. None of that was true. After telling me so many times I had to get over things she'd done in the past, she never let go of my 'betrayal'.

Once I found out about the NPD I began to learn how to avoid the arguments and brush off the constant criticism. I was a bad friend, I made her wait too long when we talked online, my illness got in the way all the time, she made all the time in the world for me but I wasn't reciprocating. Somehow, amidst the constant barrage of criticism she kept hinting at us getting back together, but she wanted me to be the one to make the move.

That's when I realised - she didn't love me. I was her backup plan. When she had a better prospect she was happy to let me go, but when there was nobody else she wanted me. She took for granted that I'd wait around for her and ask to get back together and be grateful for the opportunity.
She was wrong.

A couple of years ago, I met someone new. Somebody whose love didn't come at the cost of my self worth. Someone who didn't complain about making endless sacrifices for me and ignore the sacrifices I made from then. In fact, I didn't need to make sacrifices for him at all.

It was a love different to any I've felt before, and the first time we met up I realised I couldn't imagine my life without him. Earlier this year, we got married and it was the best thing I've ever done. Naturally, I did not tell her.

I told him everything about her - how our relationship had started, the ways it had ended, and our continuing 'friendship'. I told him that she viewed us as being in a relationship even though I hadn't agreed to one. I was completely honest, and he was completely supportive. He encouraged me to disconnect with her, made me finally believe I didn't deserve the constant criticism, that even though I'd learned to deal with her and didn't rise to the bait it still negatively affected me. He didn't push. He just let me do it at my own pace.

Yesterday, I finally disconnected for good.

It was over something relatively minor in the scheme of our rocky relationship. I was going through something difficult and she was angry with me for being distracted by it because she was having problems too. I told her I was dealing with a potentially terminal illness in my family. Most people would at least offer some perfunctory sympathy. An 'I'm sorry', even if the next word was 'but'. But she didn't. She was just angry I wasn't asking about her issues.
And that's what did it.

I told her I had nothing more to say to her, and this time I truly meant it.

I know how different the story would be coming from her. I am a horrible person, a heartbreaker, cold and cruel. I am a cheater and a liar. I am not a saint and I know I've done things out of anger or hurt to lash out at her. I am not blameless. I feel genuinely sorry for what she's going through right now and it's very hard to not tell her so, but I can't get drawn back into contact. My words yesterday confirmed to her every bad thing she's ever thought about me and she will never forgive me. She'll hate me. I needed it to be that way. I wasn't cruel, at least I tried not to be. I wanted to say she was a narcissist and a hypocrite, but I didn't. I didn't get mad. I just said I could no longer be in contact  - but that's all it will take. Ending things myself, on my terms - that's an unforgivable sin. I still feel guilty, despite everything. I hate hurting or upsetting anyone.

But at last, I can finally breathe.

Vex

Cupcake Carnage!

Yesterday my husband and I bought some delicious red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing for dessert. I had one of the four and closed the plastic container, leaving it on the table.

Big mistake.

I woke up this morning to find the cupcakes were on the floor, covered in cat hair, except for one. One had survived the fall and was neatly sitting upright in its container...

...with a quarter of the icing licked off. Clearly, Albert had sampled the cupcake and was unimpressed by the icing offering. After all, cats can't taste sweetness so the icing was probably just very bland. The one cupcake that survived, rendered uneatable due to Albert trying it. To add insult to injury, he didn't even like what he tried. Of course he didn't try one that had been on the floor - that would be dirty.

Stupid intelligent cat.

Here are some photos of the cupcakes carnage and the thief himself, looking smug

 

 

 

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Vex

+Since Free Jinger is a snark site I feel that it's okay for me to extend the snark to my not-a-blog, although my snark topic has nothing to do with FJ or religion. In fact, it's about a different kind of fundamentalism altogether.

Let's talk about Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire theory channels on YouTube.

I am an avid reader of the books. Back in the day I was a fan of the show as well, but that's been waning since season 4 and I only continue watching because aspects of the show apart from the script and story are amazing (incredible performances, cinematography, costumes and scenery), plus of course it's my only taste of The Winds of Winter (apart from the sample chapters).

I discovered early on that I don't really fit in with the ASOIAF fandom, because I don't theorise. Theorising is a major part of the fandom for the books and the show. I will only consider theories with strong textual evidence and even then the only two major theories I've ever bought into were R+L=J (the most famous theory, about Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen being Jon Snow's parents) and Gravedigger (The Hound is alive and living as a monk in the Quiet Isles).
There are some minor theories that I think are highly probable, such as the man in Oldtown who steals the key to the Citadel being Jaqen H'Ghar and minor theories that are all but confirmed like Ser Robert Strong's identity. The show has given the answer to all but one of those two theories.
Basically, it takes a lot to convince me and the evidence must be based in the text, or something Martin has said (but text is always the most convincing since George is only human and has made mistakes that his editors and proof readers later corrected). Using one of your theories to prove another of your theories is never going to fly with me, but that's exactly what so many theorists do.

I subscribe to many Game of Thrones and ASOIAF theory channels on YouTube. One of these channels is run by a guy called Preston Jacobs who has a bit of a bum rap in the fandom for coming up with outrageous theories.
Well, the people who criticise him should see some of the smaller channels I've found, because they are so completely out there that it's insane at times.

One has become my favourite just based on the sheer intensity with which they push their theories, and because they honestly believe they're helping to 'bring clarity' to the show and books.

I want to be clear that I have nothing against the channel or the people running it, I just find their work to be outlandish and at times comically so.
For example, they've made a five part series (with each part being roughly 30 minutes) arguing that Catelyn Stark is literally the worst character in the series. Not Ramsay Bolton, who hunts girls for sport and then rapes and flays them (sometimes alive, sometimes dead depending on how good their sport was) and systematically tortured and broke down Theon, not Euron Greyjoy who cuts the tongues out of his crewmen, raped his younger brothers, tortures and mutilates people on a regular basis.
Not Littlefinger, who is responsible for starting the War of the Five Kings, framed Sansa and Tyrion for the death of Joffery, pushed Lysa Arryn out the Moon Door and then blamed Marillion the singer, who eventually died for his supposed crime, and is arguably plotting to murder Sweetrobin, who is a seven-year-old boy. There are so many horrible people, but they sincerely believe that Cat Stark is the worst of them all because she's selfish and treats Jon poorly and is totally plotting with Maester Luwin and has Southron ambitions.

They once scoffed at me in the comments for thinking Val the Wildling was just that - Val the Wildling, rather than a highborn maid from Dorne. It made my day that they replied to me!
They're definitely my favourite theory channel, I watch everything they put out. Their biggest flaw (apart from assuming they're making things clearer for their viewers) is using their arguments as evidence to prop up other arguments. For example, if they had a theory about Joffery's wedding pie being made with ravens instead of pigeon, and they had another video about the importance of ravens to the story, they would use the video about the pigeon pie being made from ravens as evidence of the importance of ravens to the story, even though it's a theory rather than a fact.
If they scaled back on the whole 'we're bringing clarity' thing and used only canon sources instead of their own theories as the basis for other theories I think they'd be quite a successful small channel. I think they stretch way too far when creating arguments, but I can't deny that their videos are interesting. I feel bad for Preston getting so much negative press in the community when other people with smaller channels are guilty of way more out there theories.


People who consider themselves GoT/ASOIAF theorists tend to fit into one of two categories: Those who see symbolism in everything and take it too far and those who take things literally and take the literalism too far.
Sometimes things ARE literal. Sometimes things ARE symbolic. It's just when people become fundamentalists about it that things fall apart.


As promised: CAT PHOTOS

 

 

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Vex

So some mentioned wedding photos and since I have one that allows us both to remain anonymous while still showing off our wedding kit I thought I'd share.

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I also thought that I'd share some photos of my cats, since pet pictures are the best kind of photos.

I don't want to give my cats' names because they could make me identifiable to people who know be IRL so I will refer to them by pseudonyms. Not paranoid at all.

Photos P1 and P2: My Seal Point Ragdoll. Let's call him Chris Redfield. He's the sweetest cat you will ever meet (never bites or scratches, gives kisses) but we think he's missing a chromosome and he appears to be special needs. He once got outside onto my next door neighbour's driveway by going through a hole in the fence and proceeded to forget how he got there and began to cry and cry and cry because he was lost and frightened. I went out to get him. He was right next to the hole.
He will let you hold him as long as you like with only mild struggles, even though he doesn't really like affection. He's kind of aloof but when he wants some affection he'll sit still while I pet him for anywhere up to half an hour. He's extremely agile and loves to be up as high as possible.

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Photos P3 and P4: My Domestic Long Hair. Let's call her Ada Wong. She's 17. She's blind and deaf but she has no trouble getting around. She ADORES my husband. She's a dedicated lap cat, who has never bitten or scratched anyone. I adopted her at the age of 10. I've never met such a snuggly cat in my life. She lives to snuggle up on people's laps, even back in the shelter she sat on my lap for a cuddle despite her being scared and in a lot of pain. She's fearful of Albert and Chris's playfulness annoys her. She has some health issues, but I'm doing my best to keep her as healthy as possible. She's a very special old lady.

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Photos P5 and P6: My Manx. I'll call him Albert Wesker. He's very smart and very dog-like. He follows me around the house, he'll go to everyone to say hello, he'll lie down wherever people are so he can hang out in your company. He knows how to open doors with handles and makes bird call noises whenever he's stalking an outdoor bird from the windowsill. In spite of that he understands my birds are part of the family and even when they escape their cage and are alone and vulnerable he just leaves them be (as does Chris, but he shows an interest in playing with them. The birds peck his paw and he stops trying to play).

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Albert is super photogenic. He'll stay perfectly still as you cram your phone/camera in his face so you can get crystal clear shots of him. Ada stays relatively still too, but she's not as expressive as Albert. Chris, despite being an absolutely stunning cat, cannot help but move as soon as you begin to take photos because he's fascinated by phone/camera. I could get him sleeping, but he has such gorgeous blue eyes that it's a waste to take sleeping pics of him.

My kitties are my kids and I absolutely adore them. I haven't lived without a cat in my life since the day I came home from the hospital when I was a baby.

 

Hope you guys enjoy!

Vex

The day is finally almost upon us. Tomorrow afternoon my fiance and I will say our vows in front of our immediate families and a small number of friends. All that's left to do is pack my overnight bag and have the shower to end all showers.

 

It's been a road fraught with anxiety but I love Mr. Vex with all my heart and even though I don't think weddings are a big deal, it means a lot to me to commit to him.  I never believed in soulmates, but I know that he's mine.

Here's hoping that it's worth missing the live airing of the new episode of The Walking Dead for (:


And ha. Beat Joy down the aisle.

Vex

RE: Resident Evil 7

I just want to preface this with the following: This game contains a literal hive vagina. My first thought was of Free Jinger (after I stopped gagging and crossing my legs).


I know this is very much not the place to make a rant about video games, but I need to get this out and it's the only blog I have. My fiance and my friends can only hear me whinge so many times.

I am a gamer. A casual gamer to be sure, but I love games.
In particular, I love a genre called 'survival horror'. Now, there are some atrocious survival horror games. There are also some outstanding games, and outstanding series.

Perhaps the best example of survival horror, in my opinion, is the Silent Hill series as made by Team Silent. That encompasses games 1-4. Silent Hill 2 in particular is an incredible piece of art. It is art. It tells a heart-wrenching story of love, hate, guilt, grief and loss. The ending of the game feels like a gut punch.

Resident Evil is another survival horror series. It predates Silent Hill by a couple of years. Although certainly atmospheric and creepy, it's much more of an action-based series. The puzzles are simplistic. Where Silent Hill demands you to sift through lengthy poems to deduce their meaning, RE asks you to find keys and solve basic visual puzzles. There are zombies - oh so many zombies - in place of Silent Hill's unique enemies, who are all conjured by the mind of the protagonist or other inhabitants of the titular town. Silent Hill has some narmy dialogue, but Resident Evil is straight up cheese, such as the infamous line "You were almost a Jill sandwich!"

They are very different, and I expect completely different things from them.

Silent Hill is grounded. It explores adult fears. It's highly psychological. It's far more concerned with story and atmosphere than combat. Its protagonists are every day people with no special skills. You play Silent Hill for the story and the journey.

Resident Evil is fantastical. It's about zombies and biological warfare. The story takes a backseat to action. The dialogue is hammy and protagonists give pithy one-liners. It has moments of fantastic atmosphere, but there are plenty of guns and the protagonists are generally elite special forces officers with army backgrounds.

They have always been two very distinct things.

 

Now Resident Evil 7 has come out, and the lines have been hopelessly blurred.

One of the main developers of RE7 came straight out of the most recent Silent Hill effort, Silent Hills. It was cancelled and they wound up on board Resident Evil 7.

And it shows. Oh, does it show.

The game feels more Silent Hill - specifically PT, the playable teaser for Silent Hills - than Resident Evil.
Gone are the things that made the series distinctive - the trained protagonist, the insane arsenal, the narmy charm and the one liners.
You still explore the halls of a mansion, but instead of hunting down its warped inhabitants, YOU are the prey. You run and hide from antagonists you cannot fight. In that way it feels more like Outlast than Resident Evil.
The puzzles retain that Resident Evil feel - they're very much in keeping with the series - but nothing else is. The save room music sounds like Silent Hill music. It's as if the game went out of its way to be as similar to Silent Hills as possible, right down to its first-person perspective and suspiciously-similar ghost girl. There's barely any hint of a connection to the wider universe of Resident Evil - it is there if you look, but I expect mostly it's hidden in the downloadable content episodes.


The worst part is the plot, because the plot has literally been taken from a Silent Hill game.

The plot of Silent Hill 2 is as follows: A man named James has received a letter from his wife, Mary, begging him to come to her in 'their special place'. The problem is that Mary has been dead for 3 years... or has she?

The plot of Resident Evil 7 is as follows: A man named Ethan has received a video tape from his wife, Mia, begging him to come to Louisiana and save her. The problem is, Mia has been dead for three years... or has she?

See the issue?

Resident Evil 7 has been met with tremendous acclaim. Much like when Resident Evil 4 was released it has revitalised the series, and for that I'm glad.
I just miss my Resident Evil. They finally listened to the fans who have been begging for a return to its horror roots, only they sacrificed everything that made Resident Evil itself to do so.


And I just can't get behind it.

Vex

Okay, so by some bizarre cosmic coincidence one of my very best friends (who happens to also be my only friend that still lives in my home town) is also getting married. She is also marrying a guy from overseas. Her fiance is also moving here. She also met her fiance online. She is also getting married rather quickly. Her fiance is also tall and skinny. They are also having a very low key registry wedding. They are also getting married very soon. They too are inviting only a handful of very close guests. It's pretty fucking weird how similar our circumstances are. However they have diverged with her unexpected announcement that she is expecting.

I'm happy for her but there's a very real and selfish part of me that feels cheated. Not long ago she and I were discussing children and how they weren't really on the cards for my fiance and I. She agreed that she had no pull towards being a parent. That made me happy because literally everyone else I grew up with except this friend has kids. It was a relief to have a close friend to navigate childlessness with. We could continue to make out plans to meet up whenever it was convenient. We'd continue our beloved traditions of trawling thrift stores and going to the market, meeting up on a whim. We could maybe sometimes do couple things and it would be great. Now that's all changing very suddenly. Mostly I feel very protective of her. She's going through some hard shit that I won't write about here, even on a totally anonymous not-a-blog. I know she won't be one of THOSE parents whose identity becomes their child. I still worry, though. I want my friend of over 20 years. I want her to be recognisable on the other side for MY sake, and for that I'm sorry.

I can't help but feel left behind.

I honestly don't know if I can ever carry a child to term, and if I did there's a strong likelihood they would be a very sickly child like I was. Still, the idea of having our kids growing up being friends the way we did is a tempting one. I have to remind myself that really isn't on the cards for me, and hey - maybe if I did have a kid our kids would hate each other.

She really needs a friend right now and I'll be there for her no matter my worries and selfish impulses. I can promise her that.
 

Wow, that got heavy. Ha ha. Wasn't expecting that because the whole point of this blog post was something a lot more light-hearted and far more frustrating: shopping for wedding clothes.

She and I went out shopping this morning at our favourite vintage store. My friend is gorgeous and very slim - even now she's pregnant - and found a billion different things to try. Sure, it was harder than usual because she had to accommodate the kid, but she managed to find this gorgeous blue dress. Good thing she did, because the wedding is about 10 days away!

I found a few things to try on but sadly vintage clothes just aren't made for busty girls. It doesn't help that the store mostly has sizes 6-10. Vintage 6-10s are even smaller than regular ones. Even in my teen years when I was a 6 I would have been too busty to find a good fit. Now that I'm a 12 it's hopeless. I tried on a 16 (and it was such a gorgeous dress!) and it was WAY too small for my chest, and swimming in other areas.
It's a shame because I LOVE vintage clothes. I have a few in my closet I could wear to her wedding but they're very much winter dresses and there's no way in hell I'm wearing anything wintery in the middle of summer.

So I'm calling bullshit on clothes shopping. I knew it would be painful. I wish I could just wear jeans and a nerd t-shirt like I usually do. Or even better, ripped jeans, my leather chucks and a flannel shirt (I'm not getting married 'til Autumn). In fact, my friend told me to go ahead and do it! But I have parents to placate and I think I'll look back with regret if I didn't dress up just a little.

I'm definitely not wearing a wedding dress, or anything white. I have ordered a dress but it's wholesale and from China and I have no expectations of it fitting in any way even though I ordered two sizes bigger than I am. It's more of a guideline for when I inevitably have to have a dress quickly made because my tits are too big, my legs too short and the rest of me too average.

It's not meant to be painful. TV and magazines say getting a wedding dress is a huge milestone in life, one to be witnessed by family and friends (and cameras!), a time when the blinders fall away and you realise in a moment from a fairytale just how beautiful you can be.

Bullshit. Not for me. I've been cheated and it's just not cricket.

Vex

Urk.

I thought it might be a good idea to have a place to write about what's going on in my life, since big things are rapidly happening.

First thing is that I'm getting married April 2016. Possibly even March. It's happened pretty fast but there's really no reason to wait since we don't want a party or a big wedding, and the sooner we're married the sooner my fiance can apply for a spouse visa and live here full time. I'm so happy and excited to marry him, I wish we could do it even sooner. I really couldn't hope to find a better partner than him <3

Second thing is that I'm disabled and live with chronic pain. I've finally managed to get in to see a pain clinic that offers comprehensive treatment. That comprehensive treatment means 5 hour sessions with everything from psychologists, psychiatrists and surgeons. Three five hour sessions. That's going to be really hard for me. I hate talking to strangers, especially strange doctors because doctors have been so fucking useless to me for the past 15 years of my life. My fiance will be able to come to my final appointment with me (thank god), and my mother will come to the first (you have to bring a relative/partner to certain appointments) but I know she's going to say stuff that will humiliate me because she has zero fucking tact.

I'm also going to have to work on fixing up my apartment that I haven't lived in for 2 years so my fiance can move into it with me. It's going to be a bit of an adjustment, going from living by myself, being on my own all day to living with a partner full time.

He has a job lined up (not that he can be paid until his spouse visa is approved) that means in a few months when his tourist visa expires he'll be out of the house most of the day. I never really saw myself as the stay at home wife type, but here I am. Hopefully we can both finish up our degrees and one day I'll be in a position to work. I don't want him to have to be the breadwinner, that's too much pressure on top of having to move half a world away. He's prepared to do it because he's wonderful, but it's not what I want.

So yeah, got to fix up the apartment. Needs tons of cleaning (which I can't do, but my family is helping). I'll have to sort a lot of my shit into boxes and put the boxes... somewhere. God knows where. It's a lot going on at once for me and it's a bit overwhelming.

On top of all that I'm really sick at the moment. Like, can't get out of bed for more than a trip to the bathroom or kitchen for a glass of water.

If anyone actually reads this (which I doubt), don't worry. I'm sure I'll be on to bitterly eviscerating episodes of A Game of Thrones in no time at all. God damn, the writing on that show...

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