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Buffy's Commentary

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About this blog

Because I don't opine nearly enough elsewhere.  Actually this is a weird little repository for things that amuse me...which don't always amuse other people but I'm okay with that.

Entries in this blog


A paranormal podcast needs to cover this...

I was reorganizing my bookshelves after taking down my Christmas stuff and I found something unexplained.

A bible.

I know what you're thinking.  "So?  Buffy, you're a lapsed Catholic, you come from a religious family of course you'd have a bible or two around the house."

Because of course you all know my religious background well enough to mock my incredulity.

And you'd be right...I have plenty of bibles around here.  The big family one my mom gave me when I married, a bunch of daily driver bibles (three kids, 24 collective years of CCD and they collect.)  But none of them are NKJV.

Catholics don't do the New Kings James Version.  Ever.  It's not recognized as a legitimate version by the Vatican.

I can hear you now.  "Silly Buffy....your mom was fundy lite after being excommunicated for divorcing your dad.  Surely she didn't use the Catholic bible.  Don't bother Robert Stack about this."

Well, smatypantses....my mom went to some church called Evangelical Free and they used some user friendly version with modern language.  She wasn't a King James Fan.  And her bible was well used from being read daily and well marked and is in a drawer at my sisters house.  I've never seen this bible before.

It looks new, no wear whatsoever.  It was printed the year I was first married so I didn't live at home...I was married to my then husband who was a non-bible collecting Catholic.

It's bound in black leatherish material, gold letters on the cover and spine, slightly larger than an iPhone 6+.

How did it get here?  None of my kids have even veered toward fundyism.

Don't you feel bad for doubting me?  Robert Stack should be all over this unsolved mystery.



My Delusions > Exended Family Every Time

I haven't had any contact with my mom's family since she died in the mid-90s, unless you count getting Happy Insert Holiday here message from her sister and my liking it when I eventually log in if I see it.

But aside from that deep bond, nothing.  Every so often some busybody part of my brain nudges me to send a note to her brother and his wife.  They were the closest to my mom and sometimes I have this annoying longing for contact with people who knew and loved her.

I'm usually pretty good at ignoring the Gladys Kravitz part of my interfering psyche and eventually it shuts up until next time.  But this time I took it a step further and asked professor google if they were still alive and if so where would one send a note if one were so inclined.  

Gladys ran with the leeway and found the info...but I slammed the door shut again so there will be no cute Thinking of You card with a cute dog and fun font making it's way to them.

Because of the usual reasons of common sense and well developed introversion?  Nah...

My cousin closest to me in age looks way better than I, and I don't need that kind of aggravation.  I'm so glad she documented her perfect life on Facebook as it stopped me from opening a door that should stay nailed shut.



And I am nothing if not insightful...



I'm way too okay with this part of me.





I've spent a lot of time lately being grateful I wasn't a member of the Donner party.  In my attempts to embrace stoicism I've been trying to truncate my self pity by thinking of how any given situation could be worse.  And freezing cold, in isolation with other people not of my choosing, and dining on the aforementioned other people is always worse than whatever I'm complaining about.

I won't even eat licorice...do you think I'm going to have some person for lunch?  Honestly, Heinz wouldn't even start bottling ketchup for another 30 years.  I'm not relying on some strangers homemade ketchup recipe.  I'm not an animal, ffs.

So as bad as all the frostbite and cannibalism was, the real tragedy wasn't in the struggle against death and the proof that starvation and survival instinct will override societies most deeply held taboos.

It was the hair.

There is just no excuse for that.






Doesn't Margaret Reed look a lot like character actor William Shallart?  







Pop-Tarts and the Legacy of a Monster

I was listening to a podcast about John Kellogg and learned he was an advocate of marriage in the friendzone.

He had what they call a chaste marriage and felt sex was "barely acceptable even within marriage, and then very infrequently."

Apparently Seventh Day Adventists, of which he was one of the devout, have a slightly different take on maritial shenanigans than fundies of the Duggar and Batesesses variety.  In fact when it came to sex Dr. Kellogg...

"He personally abstained from it, and never consummated his marriage (and may have actually spent his honeymoon working on one of his anti-sex books). He and his wife kept separate bedrooms and adopted all of their children"

In fact the title of this article is true...Cornflakes were invented as a part of an anti-masturbation crusade.


(Bloggers note:  I am of the philosophy that if you have time to crusade against masturbation you have way too much fucking time on your hands.  Write your own hands/self pleasure joke here.)

So in order to keep America's hands out of our collective pants (because that was his business) he wanted to change our diets.  

"He thought that meat and certain flavorful or seasoned foods increased sexual desire, and that plainer food, especially cereals and nuts, could curb it."

To that end he invented cornflakes, a type of granola, and advocated daily plain yogurt enemas.  Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

Yes, Dr. MartialSexIsASin advocated daily yogurt enemas.  Make of that what you will.

And was so anti-masturbation he advocated genital mutilation when necessary to prevent it - recommending applying carbolic acid to the clitoris and circumcision without anesthetic.  Also threading silver wire through the foreskin to prevent erections and cause irritation.  He also felt it was a parents duty to monitor their children constantly as privacy led to the "abomination of self-pollution"

He seems to have some serious problems respecting boundaries and definite opinions on what one should and shouldn't do with one's nether regions.

Not evil enough for you?  Also a huge proponent of eugenics, even for his time.

This is the tip of the craziness iceberg,  Google him, but I warn you there are articles made of nightmares out there.

So what does this have to do with Pop-Tarts?  Well he hated his awesome brother Will who we can thank for the non-insane inventions like Pop-Tarts and Frosted Flakes and even Corn Flakes as cereal sans any kind of lunatic sexual agenda.

Does anyone else think Steve Maxwell would have loved this guy?  At least until he disagreed about something trivial and then banished his name and breakfast products from his house.







Exposition:  I've had a very rough year and I've got some very bad patterns when it comes to men and I thought a little professional help to get some tools so I can stop falling on emotional landmines of my own design might be a good idea.  

So I asked the p-doc I see once every 3 months for my ADHD scripts  for a referral to a therapist. I've been going to her for ~4 years - 15 min appointment, rarely in there more than 5 unless she's particularly chatty about her life.

Even as it was happening I was thinking, "this sounds like a "that happened"...one of those times you wish someone was there to share your absolute what-the-fuckness...

Me:   I've been trying to work on myself and wanted to try therapy with someone who is familiar with my type of relationship problems.

Her: Let me ask you, how many men do you have in your life for support?

Me: Uh....I love my sons and my brothers but I don't go to them for support about this stuff.

Her: No male friends?

Me: Not any who like me enough to want to hear about my issues with relationships (self conscious laugh because ...what the hell?)

Her: Yeah - they always want to be more than friends, don't they? (so not what I said) This is where a pastor can be wonderful!! They're men and can give you a male perspective but won't ever think of you "that" way.

Me: What?!

Her: My church we have a wonderful pastor and associate pastor and it's wonderful to get their perspective on relationship issues.

Me: I'm a lapsed Catholic...I was hoping to find a therapist to do that.

Her: Catholic? Then I don't know what you could do....

Me: I was hoping to find a therapist who had experience with co-dependence and (insert my specific relationship issues.)

Her: Oh honey, you're not co-dependent. You're FINE! You've just had a string of bad luck with men.

Me: In my entire life every man I've ever loved has been cluster B.  I'd like to figure out why I choose badly.

Her: Oh, that just happens. You just need to go out there and find someone healthy and you'll be fine. You know what not to look for now.

Me: Uhhhh....I did that last time and married someone who wasn't BPD-NPD and the marriage was much worse...I didn't know how to screen against his dysfunction so I was thinking a therapist...

Her: But you left...if you were co-dependent you wouldn't have left him so you're fine. You're problem with men is going to be your career.

Me: (having given up and just waiting for her to finish writing my scripts so I could go) Huh?

Her: What do you do again?

Me: Remind her of my job which is the reason I need the ADHD meds which is the only reason I see her...

Her: Right, I knew it was something like that. Men find that offputting. You'd be a great catch if you were a man, but as a woman it's going to be hard for you to find any man who won't be threatened by that. Men want to take care of you and if you don't need them financially they won't know how to do that. Unless you find a man who is comfortable taking a back seat and letting you take care of them.

Me: (Now so far down the rabbit hole I'm looking for the Cheshire cat...) Laughs...I'm more than needy enough emotionally, that's why I wanted a therapist.

Her: Men don't want you to need them emotionally, you have to need them in the ways they need to be needed. My pastor explains it so well...

Me: Ok. Wow you're writing a lot of prescriptions there...

Her: Oh, yes! I'm retiring at the end of the year so I'm giving you 6 months this time. Next time you'll have to see Dr. X or Dr. Y.

Me: Ok. Which do you recommend?

Her: (looking at me like that was a stupid question) it doesn't matter...either one of them will continue your prescriptions.

Me: (biting my tongue so I don't make a joke about wanting a doctor more than a dealer) Fine. Congratulations on retiring.

Her: Thank you!! It's going to be so wonderful, my husband is so excited we're going to travel and (whatever the hell else she said as I kind of stopped listening)...I have been so blessed to have found the perfect man for me. But then we grew up together and got married as teenagers so we're celebrating our 104th anniversary next year. That's what you need to do.

Me: What? Go back to junior high and find someone to marry as a teenager? It's a little late for that now...

Her: You're so FUNNY!!! No, silly...just find someone who is right for you and will make you happy!

Me: OH! Why didn't I think of that? (sardonic laughter) Actually I was hoping to get to the place where I'd be okay being alone.

Her: Sure. Some people don't need anyone!  Just be happy that way!

(got scripts and got the fuck out of there...checked my phone...elapsed time 12 minutes.)

If she ever had any fucks to give she had clearly run out...first time she mentioned anything about religion. Never got a referral.

She's always been irritating, rambling on about her husband, kids, grandkids...in snippets over the last 4+ years I can tell you her husbands health problems and her daughter's financial troubles but everytime she saw me it was groundhog's day.

Although this year she had been calling me by the right name almost half the time, so that was something.

TLDR: I have it on official authority that I'm "FINE" and have no issues with relationships other than a string of bad luck and apparently a job which will scare men away except the super special one made just for me that I just have to go out and find because I didn't marry him in junior high. Or something. 



Last one...for now

This is my approach today...I'm feeling it...



And how will I look doing it?



And why?






And if people (one person) doesn't appreciate my efforts perhaps he should know that...



what should happen as the result of my epic courage?



Why should this happen?



If it doesn't happen?




And why not just go through with your faux engagement to @Destiny ?



@clueliss was totally right, my brain was getting dangerously pintresty and version of me can kick no ass...I gave the cryBuffy part of my brain some icecream and told her to sit this one out.

How do I really feel?







I need some good thoughts sent my way...

I need you guys to be with me in spirit today...I'm about to do the riskiest thing I've ever done (and I've had sex on a second floor window ledge, so that's saying something)...just wish me luck that I can handle the repercussions, whatever they might be.






Even though...



which it totally could.  But...



and I need to be free from the torture of what ifs...my brain will stay itchy until it's resolved and this seems less risky that opening up my skull to pour calamine lotion in there.



So no matter how this shakes out the fact that I'm even considering this is so much braver than I ever thought I could be...



So why I am doing something I'm likely to regret?  Not sure I thought this through.



That's my way...doesn't mean I don't need some handholding in spirit, though...

And so you don't think I'm about to leave my job to join a circus as the chick who gets the knives tossed at her...I'm not.  I'm answering a message...



Because that.  and this...



and this...to an obnoxious degree








well...he was...not that I don't think you guys are right up there, though!  And if this is a really bad idea?  Well...



And if it blows up in my face I've got some love and self loathing at home in the freezer.






Catching up - kinda

So I've not been around due to dealing with real life and so after a few minutes of trying to catch up...

Anna makes my life choices look great.  She's as selfish and stupid as he is.

JInger has knees...who knew?

Is it too soon to hope this is the finale of the shitshow known as poopistan.  Fwiw based on nothing I'd bet real money against any of the anti-poop people suddenly developing a moral compass but as long as they're going to stfu who cares what the catalyst was.

I'm not touching politics.  I don't do it elsewhere, I won't do it here.  

I've got a splitting headache and now have to get back to work where I'm sure someone will make it worse within minutes.

Miss you guys.




Stages of life...

Am I the first one to tag a post drunk sex?  Hope so.

So I've worked through the grieving and the guilt, logistics are moving as expected...I'm now entering the vodka and men phase of my healing.  

Tbh the vodka isn't necessary.  

So how does this work?   Have men changed since I've been out of the game?  Can I assume all of the equipment is still in the same general area as I remember?  Same triggers activate the usual launch sequence?

You should be able to place and order for a commitment phobic but sexually obsessive guy with compatible prurient interests for a friends with benefits situation...

And no, not a dating site...that still requires screening and speaking to people.  I'm talking about straight up conjuring.  

That is not too much to ask.  This would be so much easier if it didn't entail getting to know people...stupid process. 






Life recap

Just checking in.  Have been crazy busy for the last month or so.  Doing what? (Asks no one...)

  • working long hours on the biggest project of my career.
  • dealing with the logistics of my divorce including now having to pump my own gas, which is ridiculous.
  • keeping a low profile so until I'm capable of communicating without bleeding my barely contained messy psyche over even innocuous comments.  (You're welcome)
  • coming to grips with my full blown Cinderella complex which is an affliction I've always had, but completely forgot about until it flared up and took over my life
  • getting slapped in the face with shitty messages from the universe which are crystal clear and unambiguous and even I can only ignore for so long before I need to accept.  And respond...






I hate finding cute things I can't do...

I was just using the books to visualize levels but I kind of love this.  Old books and some of my favorite tiaras...

But I'd never be able to sleep nights if I stored books improperly so alas only temporary. 

Oh and  apparently the only maker of tiara displays and plinths for the home are in the U.K. and don't ship to the US.  That's some discriminatory shit right there.




In funnier news...

So in my desperate need for shiny distractions I went digging through the wayback machine and found some remnants of my first website.  Built it, with a great partner, from scratch and had a forum, chat, AOL Buddy Icons and everything!  This was 2001-2004.  

If ive said it once I've said it a million times - I wouldn't be @Curious for anything.  Being the owner is hard.  And as often as I've said that I've made it known I'm much better being @Destiny 's sidekick because I'm a lot less diligent about making sure every user has an optimal experience.  This is a message from 2003 after a server crash.  Name of site redacted because I don't want to be mobbed by fans...but if you were a former member of that site because the odd are probably an whopping .0001% of that happening then PM me right now!

Finding this made me stupid happy...


Thank you to all who've hung in while this very frustrated and weary webmaster unexpectedly took time off. And thanks also to all those with no patience whatsoever...your e-mails telling me I suck just warmed my heart. Since I have a sense of humor, I'll take it all as a sign you're all *** junkies who desperately need me and this site. I love you all, too. 

To the message board folks who've just completely made it a great community, THANK YOU.

Amazing how things pile up like a landfill in one's absence. There's too much e-mail for me to even begin to catch up on so if you've e-mailed me and haven't gotten a response, I am truly sorry. Much of my e-mail was dumped by my server so submissions, questions, etc can be resent if you've the inclination to do so.

The guestbook is a pile of crap as is the chatroom. For that I apologize and as I collect myself here those things will come to fruition. ********* ****** has unfortunately been eaten up and swallowed by my previous server and it looks like those 1000 or so photos in the gallery are gone. I'm most sorry about this since a good number of them were sent in by all of you. Hopefully at some point I'll get the photo gallery rebuilt.

As you can see, I've had to really slim down the layout here out of necessity. I rather prefer a quick-loading slick site as opposed to a graphic-intensive dinosaur. And since I run the place, I'm going with it. Not to mention most of my software was blown to hell when the old Gateway crashed. Mostly all the old content is here with the exception of ******** ***** which is on the back burner until the main site is back on track. Some of the sections have yet to be rebuilt. It's a bitch I don't have a photographic memory and can't rewrite a few hundred pages of content off the top of my head. It would be SO much easier that way.

For anyone who read all the way down to here, you rock.  :)


Divorce - - not just a Tammy Wynette song

There won't be anything juicy to blog because he's a good person and we all know I'm delightful...not everything is forever.  He's fine, I'm fine and once the process is over I can get on with the business of living with the shame of my second failure at this marriage thing.





$50 my ass

I read an article today that the average cost of Thanksgiving to feed 10 people is just over $50.  In what universe?

Here's my list of non-negotiable stuff or there is no holiday.  Granted some stuff I already have but in my quest to have one freaking holiday where I don't need to send someone to the store I make the entire list and go from there.

Notice no beverages except milk  that's a different list.  

And not doing crab puffs this time because man-child the younger went vegetarian and he loved them so because I'm a decent person I killed it from the menu.  

This is pretty basic.  Two kinds of stuffing, cranberries, potatoes...nothing fancy.  If others can do similar for $50 then please post and show me your ways.  Otherwise I'm just going to do what I do every year and throw away the receipts.


  • Turkey
  • Ham
  • Brown Sugar
  • Honey
  • Cloves
  • Poultry seasoning
  • Ginger
  • Nutmeg
  • Oranges – seedless
  • Bread for stuffing
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Celery
  • Mild breakfast sausage
  • Onions
  • Breadcrumbs – plain (2)
  • Lots of eggs
  • Chicken broth
  • Chicken livers
  • Periogi
  • Crescent rolls
  • Yams
  • Potatoes
  • Gravy
  • Cranberry jelly cans – not whole
  • Fresh cranberries
  • Orange juice
  • Flour
  • Butter
  • Butter shaped like a cow 
  • Imperial
  • Cream cheese
  • Vegetable oil
  • Half and half
  • Asparagus – canned
  • Cauliflour whole/fresh
  • Cocktail rye
  • Liverwurst
  • Chicken in a biscuit crackers
  • Other crackers
  • Cheese if you want it
  • Spinach (2 frozen boxes)
  • Sour cream
  • Greek yogurt plain
  • Mayo
  • Parm cheese
  • Shallots
  • Garlic
  • Canned pumpkin – or just get a pumkin pie
  • Pie crusts – Pillsbury refrig section if you ger the ones in tins precooked I’m going on strike
  • Other pie – cherry, dutch apple, or blueberry – nothing creative
  • Cocoa powder
  • Coconut
  • Sugar
  • Milk






Been in a weird place in my head lately...I've been fine with having no real friends irl for ages...it was actually really freeing when I realized I didn't have to put up with all the superficial crap I hate to hang out with people who I didn't like all that much anyway.  But lately I've been thinking about people who used to mean a lot to me.  Friends I loved at one point.

Some of them I think about and wonder why I don't miss them.  I should - they didn't do anything wrong...I just drifted.  I loved them once and now? I hope they are doing well, but not enough to find out.  This isn't normal.  People who manage to have lasting friendships for decades ...lifetimes...I'm in awe of that in a way.  Because it's something i can't understand and is so beyond my capabilities it might as well be wizardry.

One of those friends once told me, back when we were close, that my ability to be just be done with people scared her.  I've been thinking about that a lot lately - trying to see a pattern.  I can't find one.  I've walked away from extended family for reasons, final conversation in one case but in the rest just done.  No drama, no rehashing, no forwarding address.  I've done it with friends my whole life...some I didn't like enough from the start to be worth the maintenance, some who needed more from me than I was capable of giving, but mostly just drift.  I've got a way of closing chapters of my life like books I won't read again.  I can remember the plot and many characters, some fondly some not, but they're on the shelf neatly put away.  They have nothing to do with the chapter I'm working on now.

The flip side is I have deep and real love for some people I don't want to speak to.  Some family...a couple others from the past.  The thought of a conversation or re connection fills me with dread or annoyance (depending on the person.)   Anxiety even when history proves meetings are pleasant.  These are people I would give large sums of money without a second thought, if I had it and they needed it.  People who can have any of my organs should the need arise.  People from whom I would take their pain and personal struggles onto myself if I could - so they could be happy. People who could live in my house if they needed a place to stay.  People who I have and will drop what I'm doing for as long as it takes if they have a crisis and need practical assistance.

But hanging out or just talking without a project, a goal, task oriented urgency?  It's physically painful before and after...even when it was just lovely.

I know my distance is painful for some of them, but I don't know how to be any other way.   I have letters to them in my safe, with the insurance papers and pics of Jani Lane wearing my panties around his neck (don't ask - it only sounds dirty) letters telling them how much I love them - what they've given me and how much they meant to me.  So as long as I go first I'm all set.  

The ones who find it painful hide behind humor.  How hard I am to get a hold of how I forget to return texts and emails - chalking it up to another one of my quirks like how I'm always late and can't ever find my sunglasses.  But I know these people.  They know calling me on it will send me running in my head so even though the amount of contact may not change the distance will increase.  At some point I think some are just grateful I'm around at all - even tangentially - and it's too risky to address it.

I keep these people whom I love so much from criticizing me by threatening them with the loss of contact.  It's unspoken but I know I'm doing it.  I need to control the depth of my relationships so much that as despicable as it is I can live with my actions.  Some people control others with drama or abuse...I've always patted myself on the back for not being one of those people.  I'm not going to get angry or make a scene...I'm just going to remove myself. I'm coming to realize that doesn't make me a better person than the yelling people...it makes me a quiet bully.  And not for nothing but I'm well aware you can demand someone stop yelling at you but you can't demand someone spend time with you or care about you without seeming like you're the problem.  

Idk - just trying to get in my own head and figure out why I'm so fucked up ...a little late in life ....too late for it to matter.  But I'm bored and it's a puzzle I'd like to solve.

I just find it fascinating and highly irritating that in my brain doors to my past ...long since closed and nailed shut and painted over...are flinging open forcing things to the fore of my consciousness that I'd long since declared complete.  And this internal struggle to figure out what's wrong with me is quite unwelcome.  At this stage in life a sudden overwhelming need to become self aware is really inconvenient...and it's fucking painful.  

Visceral pain from desperately missing someone I haven't seen in 30 years.  Someone who, if I saw irl, I'd tell was mistaken if he recognized me.  Not her - sorry.  Anger at a sibling having some kind of epiphany about neglecting relationships and now wants to get together more often.  Anger that they need something from me I don't want to give and anger that they are daring to suggest changing the paradigm now.  Anger that they are so understanding about not pushing it I can't justify cutting off completely.

Anger at my own psyche for changing the game on me.  

My kids are the only people I have never distanced.  The only people for whom affection is easy and comfortable...love openly expressed and my attachment is sacred and overrides everything.  They are coming into their own and breaking away which is healthy and important and I'm so proud of them....but I'm grateful for the time they can spare for their old mom and ridiculously happy when they want me to make them something to eat or need a favor.  I would never want them to curtail their independence because mommy is lonely and kind of crazy...I love that they are having their own lives and adventures ...seeing the results of some pretty okay parenting come to fruition is nice.  Just odd that I can't conceive of being distant emotionally from them...I'm an open book (heart and wound at various times as well) with them in a way I've never been able to be with anyone else.  I'd chalk it up to material instinct but plenty of parents are emotionally distant.  Ask me how I know :) 

I'm aware this isn't a normal thought process...I'm working on it.  

So person I haven't seen in forever and will never see again and whose letter isn't in the safe but in my heart because it's too personal and important to be seen by even my family after I die...have a quote image from an anonymous screen name on a website I'm sure you've never heard of.  







So when I get hit by that bus...

My youngest man-child is a legal adult, yet not old enough to fully appreciate how awesome I am so i would like a favor in case I get hit by the proverbial bus* before he has an epiphany of how very lucky he was to have me for a mom.

*such a stupid euphemism...like I'm busy dodging busses.  I rarely even see them.

Someone form a committee to send him annoyingly frequent messages reminding him I learned to cook tofu for him.  No one else here eats it but yet here I am after finding yet another recipe that will make the cut as his picky eating is rivaled only by my own...because I support him no matter how inconvenient he decides to be and as long as I'm around I'm going to make sure he eats something besides those godawful veggie burgers that leave a weird smell in my kitchen for a good 20 minutes.

And I've never complained about that...and I didn't make pouty faces about how he was hiding his perfect face behind the scruff of facial hair that made him look like a cross between a random bearded white guy on a 70's album cover and white Jesus.

Okay he was still a ridiculously goodlooking white Jesus...but I didn't make him so pretty so he could go around impersonating Eric Clapton circa 1974. Who also bore a striking resemblance to a good looking white Jesus.

Dont hide the handsome...but did I complain?  No. His face, his choice...besides nothing makes him as happy as annoying me so if I whined about it he'd never have shaved it. :) 

I would never post his pic without his consent and since that will never happen here's Eric Clapton.  Who, ftr, is not my son. 


Also, he's still alive even though he STILL complains all the time about some imaginary problem where he thinks his orthodontist didn't line up his canine tooth on one side just right.  This is one of those magical imperfections no one can see but him.  

If he has nothing to bitch about he will invent something;  Im considering imposing a fine so he's got to pay me every time he wants to talk about how the orthodontist was a hack and should have spent a little less time playing golf and a little more time not ruining his life.

if I charge him $1 a complaint I can at least recoup the almost $9k those straight teeth set me back by next Tuesday.

so tldr:  if I get hit by a bus bombard my youngest with messages reminding him:

- I'm a saint for the tofu thing.

- I allowed him to make his own choices even when it meant looking like like he fell through a time portal.

- My remarkable restraint in listening to his fictional complaints is unparalleled in the mortal realm.  Also see his demands to see a dermatologist in high school for 'acne' you could only see when he pointed it out under bright lighting when the moon was full.

And I wouldn't change one thing about the adorable little pain in the ass...although it's been pointed out to me on many an occasion that I probably wouldn't find this stuff so charming if he didn't get all this stuff from me.  Ahhhh...overt and unapologetic whining and entitlement is a lost art and I've done my duty to make sure it's going to passed on to the next generation.

You're welcome.  And to his future wife...I'm sorry I never taught him how to clean.  Or cook.  Or allow himself an unexpressed thought.  Or walk up the stairs without soundimg like Bruce Banner when he's angry.





Life update...

The only thing wrong with life atm is not being able to keep FJ open in my head in some kind of virtual browser.  Miss you guys! 

So almost a month into the new gig...


after a much needed (modified)


from my old circle of hell...

Although there is some stupid sports thing called the World Series that someone's pact with the devil got the Cubs into which prompted my dogs to ask me to post this for them...


and I had a weird dream which made me look up sappy quotes...apropos of nothing.  Who knew Rashida Jones was so wise? 



This just happened....

Was just out with one of the man-boys - he was driving,. As we pass a neighbors house I say, "Oh, cute cat!" In response to something similar to this*


His reply?  "You know that's not a real cat, right?"   Not snarky - tone was rather concerned for my well being.

i didn't meet him last Tuesday.  I've been his mother since I pushed his giant head into the world about 20 years ago but he questions whether I know the difference between real cats (which we have had his entire life) and the 9' inflatable type wearing a purple witches hat and bow tie.

the second I stop drawing a paycheck he's going to have me committed.  Just watch.

(*but was wearing a hat and not posed like it was humping a pumpkin.  Rule #34 strikes again)




This is brilliant!  How have I never thought of this!


although you know my dumb ass will put clean clothes on top and have to re-wash.

and dorky as it is this...


made me think of the Nauglers.  I've got no business complaining about having to clean my house.


Kitty manicure time...

Two of the kitties were due for a mani-pedi today.  

This was Griffin's response - as always.



and Sham-Wow's - as always



if he'd just cooperate we'd be done by now.  And I wouldn't have a cat scratch dead center in my top pinky knuckle which hurts way more than you'd think.




 Why won't he just...





Yes, I'm looking down my nose at you...

But don't take it personally...I just got my first pair of bifocals and I'm just trying to see the screen.  

between my normal rbf and fairly aloof demeanor this haughty pose to try and see is not going to help my rep and a cuddle bunny.

i put it off way too long and I'm enjoying my new found clarity of vision except in the mirror.  My natural 20:100 and 20:200 blur takes years off my face and being able to see put them right back.

i long for the days where life was boring ...I miss boring.  The kidney stone which tried to kill me two weeks ago (one week before my sons appendix made a break for it) has been vascilating between lying dormant and waging war on my ureter.  It is so tiny so why it's taking so long is beyond me but im waging a counter attach with water, lemon juice, and Norco tonight and I will not be defeated.  Sure, I was in so much pain in the grocery store Mr. Buffy gave me my juice and told me to sit in the car ...


(actual juice)

But I'm home and I'm hydrating and I'm very medicated so victory will be mine!  





Happy update

I love you guys and miss FJ!  Sleep and kidney stones alternately took up all of Sunday and new job started yesterday so I've been scarce but wanted to pop in and say how well my son is doing.  You wouldn't know what he went through if you saw him...walking around without pain and back eating horribly spicy foods and anxious to get back to work and school.  

Throughout the week that passage from Beverly Cleary's YA book Fifteen kept coming back to me, where she said Stan looked pale under his tan.  It was his appendix, too.  My son has no tan as he's got my Irish complexion but it was surprising he could get more pale...but his color is back even though no one brought him homegrown crysanthmums whilst he was in.  Got some cards and balloons, though,. But no garden flowers.

That book is permanently lodged in my psyche which is weird since the protagonist was so irritating.   Weren't we supposed to like Jane?  Relate to her?  I just wanted to smack her - such drama over the stupidest stuff.  If I were Stan I'd have gone Marcy...not for the cashmere sweaters, hair tosses, and "Hi there!" But because she seemed like she'd be more fun and less maintenance than Jane was kind of a sourpuss.

DIGRESSION! to steal from another book of ,youth engraved upon my heart.  I love you, JD Salinger.

Tired and punchy - just ignore me.  

(Oh, new job is going okay.  Office had a huge window to outside instead of into the factory so that's a nice change.  And it has a walk in closet!  Idk what for, but I'm looking forward to the time I'm comfortable enough to hide in it.  Ha.  And the only item left in my empty office was an unopened packet of fish hooks.  No, nothing to do with the company and no one knows from whence they came.  I'm saving them as a weird little talisman I don't yet understand.

i can't thank you all enough for the kind thoughts ...your comments helped in a way I can't describe even when I couldn't respond.  It's amazing how just knowing people out there care and wish this shitty thing didn't happen to him makes me feel less alone and it's easier to bear.  I'm crying again, relief and happiness this time...I love you guys.


The small and not so small stuff...

I'm okay in a crisis.  What will break me immediately is the small stuff.

I'm sure it goes without saying that last week nothing mattered to me except my son's medical crisis.  Heck I let my daughter borrow ,u car for two days and forgot about it which ...if you knew how attached I am to my car you'd know how significant that is.

mini-Buffy is another one who deserves not only a diamond house but her own private island filled with animals and happiness ...she was so amazing I don't know what I'd have done without her.

So...the small stuff...

Last Wednesday was to be my last day at work.  I notified them of course, but I obviously didn't make it in.  Text after text badgering me about not calling to speak to the owner personally if I'm not coming back after all these years, etc., they deserve the courtesy of a conversation.  They were in the text where I notified work I wasn't coming in and why.  That I was hounded for being rude about not giving a fuck about how they felt about my missing my last three days is sociopathic to me.  They then needed all my stuff back immediately so my husband took time to drive down with everything - phone, keys, docks, credit card, etc.  

keep in mind I've worked there for almost a decade and they've met my son on numerous occasions,

Hounded me for not returning the iPad.  The one that was not work issue and was given to me specicifxally as a bonus/thank you by one owner who told me not to tell the other one.  I replied why it wasn't returned but fine - will send it back fed ex in next few days but not that day as my husband was needed at the hospital with us and wasn't going home until late.  More texts about they're all concerned about my son but they need to get things wrapped up.

because multimillionaires couldn't wait another couple days to get back a 2 year old iPad with a cracked screen which legally is mine to keep but they don't remember that conversation and I don't give a fuck.  And I was to call and discuss it - yeah - every fucking text ended with 'I really think you should call her personally.'

This woman has rarely treated me with anything but contempt in the last 18 months or so and I don't need it. 

Not to mention stress of starting a new job Monday.  When new boss called and I told him I couldn't talk as I was in hospital with my son he said he totally understood and just to let him know if I need to change my start date.  Then didn't bother me about anything else.  So...hopefull indication that I might be working for humans and not narscisistic monsters this time?

im not usually this bitter and can typically see good with bad but honestly - it was all I could do to hold it together for my son and I did not have it in me to go Into the hall and have some stupid conversation to assuage the ego of my former boss.  It's not like I was refusing to out of spite - I couldn't.  I didn't have it in me.  I felt like I was getting beaten up by text and couldn't face it.

thing was I planned in sending an email when he was okay and dust settled to say goodbye and sorry for the unavoidable early exit but now I have nothing civil to say.  (I gave 2 months notice and extended twice at their request.  But apparently those last 3 days an an old iPad were critical for some reason known only to the voices in their heads.)

I was able to hold it together for my son, dealt with my former in laws and ex like a champ (they were fine - but it's always awkward), but this had me so angry I didn't know how to process it.  Why care?  I don't give a shit - I dont work there anymore and my final check cleared so why does it matter?  It doesn't but that anger was from somewhere.  Just like they thought their trivial bullshit even merited a conversation when my son was sick?  Years of having to walk on eggshells, being told how the person who only took one day off when their spouse had a leg amputated was a hell of an employee and so dedicated, like employees aren't even real people and how dare we put put families ahead of their whims.  

Due to my own oddly workaholic nature at times I've given so much of my own time - unpaid - over the years that I couldn't begin to calculate it.  I cared about doing a good job and going above and beyond.  When I gave notice one boss said that when I'm on my game there is no one better.  They wanted me to get over my burn out and stay...but the thing is I got over my burn out the second I gave notice.  I was energized again in giving a clean transition and moving  forward ...if I'd stayed in the environment I'd have remained broken and who know how long until I wouldn't have been able to bounce back?  I joked about having been in an abusive relationship with my emolyer and finally found the strength to leave...(not to anyone there) and you know...it does feel like that.  Treated me like a worthless piece of shit much of the time, but angry that I dared leave.  My perspective.  And when I was presented with crazy ass complaints about not smiling enough or pretending not to fix stuff on purpose because I don't like them (yeah, because prolonging the tech support super fun for me) I woudl refute it.  The response was always "that's my perspective and it's your job to manage people's perspective of you."

Well, this is my perspective - as hard as last week was and it was...at least I didn't have to worry about losing my job as I would have if I'd still been working there.  

Guess I purged that abscess.


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